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I wrote myself a note on my whiteboard 6 months ago, and it has carried me through the most intense production phase of my career to date (including starting a business, publishing a book, and 3 years at Harvard).

This is the note:

You definitely can’t if you don’t try.

There’s a difference between the word can’t and the word aren’t. They feel very similar, in that we express them when we feel stuck and our goals are not being met.

Can’t means you are literally unable to do it. Note: As harsh as it might sound -- with exception of legitimate physical and mental disabilities -- this is hardly ever 100% true, as long as you’re willing to add to it.

Let me show you, based on some personal life examples:

I can’t play a song on the piano (add: without lessons and practice)
I can’t build a website (add: without more training)
I can’t finish a Harvard degree with a newborn and 3 other kids during a global pandemic (add: without caregiving support, lots of prayers, and working closely with my professors to achieve success)
I can’t raise kids well when I lost my own mother and don’t have a clue what I’m doing (add: without mentors, mistakes, and partnership with God through the Spirit)

There are always limitations. We just have to be open to receiving support and working creatively to navigate through, over, and around them.

Aren’t means you are not doing it. This is usually 100% true (sometimes we actually are doing it, but just don’t realize or acknowledge it -- because our pace is slow, we’re comparing our progress to someone else’s, or our expectations are unreasonable).

While different in meaning, can’t and aren’t are similar in that they are pretty straightforward to solve for when we take an honest look at them. They might require major effort, but the clarity sets us on the path.

To solve for can’t:

Identify what’s impossible for you and why
Be brutally honest. This can be painful. Push through with courage.
Reach out and get the help you need.
If you can’t find it, get the help you need to find it.
Humbly accept assistance and move forward with courageous, supported action.
This might be the hardest step. Take your time and love your way through it.

To solve for aren’t:

Define what it is you aren’t doing
Take an honest look and see if there are parts of it you are doing without realization or acknowledgment
Identify what is blocking you from doing it
Again, practice radical honesty here. What is actually blocking you, and what do you perceive as blocking you?
Use creativity to brainstorm possible alternatives for reaching your goal.
This might mean borrowing solution steps 1-3 from can’t.

When we’re honest with ourselves about what’s actually going on, what our limitations actually are, and what resources we actually have available, there’s a whole lot more we can do. Yes, it’s challenging. So is everything that helps us grow. The resulting peace, calm, and confidence as we move forward are 100% worth it.

Can't vs aren't

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