Different people have difficulties with different situations. What you don’t even pay attention to can be highly problematic or worrisome to someone else, and vice versa.
Here are five everyday social behaviors and situations that people with social anxiety often struggle with.
People-pleasing is one of the more common struggles among people with social anxiety.
Those who suffer from social anxiety are often overly sensitive to rejection or conflict, and it can be tremendously hard for them to assert themselves and their personal boundaries.
To deal with the inner pain that this situation creates, people tend to comply and sacrifice themselves in the process, or over-apologize as if they are doing something wrong, or engage in passive-aggressive behavior like just agreeing, procrastinating, or acting helpless.
All of this is unnecessary and can be avoided.
Reminder
It’s okay to say no. You don’t have to be aggressive or inconsiderate, but you don’t have to please others, either.
It’s okay to not do things you don’t want to do, whatever your reason is.
Socially anxious people find expressing a need, a desire, or a preference to be quite stressful.
This is because in the past, self-assertiveness and self-interest were punished or resulted in ridicule, dismissal, denial, or invalidation. The person learned that it is not safe to make a request or even show that you want something.
Therefore, asking for help can be extremely painful because it puts you in a vulnerable position, and vulnerability is associated with being hurt.
Not only that, the person may even believe that wanting or asking something is bad in itself since they were raised to be self-less and sacrifice themselves for the sake of other people’s needs, wants, and preferences.
As a result, many people grow up to believe that asking for help or showing any kind of weakness is shameful or dangerous. They also learn to distrust others and to do everything by themselves.
Reminder
It’s completely okay to make a request. You don’t have to do everything by yourself. The other person might say no, but there’s nothing wrong with asking.
It’s okay to be who you are, to have wants, needs, preferences, and feelings.
Some people might not like it, but, as long as you’re not objectively harming or mistreating them, it’s their problem.
Many socially anxious people concentrate on others.
They may perceive other people’s behavior as dangerous, or they may just be used to living vicariously through others, but this often stems from poor boundaries and a lack of a strong sense of individuality.
It is important to understand that your life is your life and other people have their own feelings, wants, drives, and goals. People will do what they will do, and you can do what you can do.
In order to manage their inner pain, some socially anxious people try to control others and otherwise affect other people’s lives, sometimes by means that are invasive, disrespectful, or downright aggressive.
What such a person often doesn’t realize is that this obsession is never-ending and keeps them mentally dependent on others.
But such behavior, however unproductive, can let you avoid introspection and protect you from the inner pain that might arise when you have to face dissatisfaction with your own life or yourself.
Reminder
Unless someone is directly affecting your life, let others live their lives and concentrate on yours.
You can’t change others.
Let others be incorrect, different, ineffective, stupid, or whatever you perceive their behavior as.
Instead, concentrate on who you are and what you can do to improve your own life today.
Many socially anxious people come from controlling upbringings where, as a survival mechanism, they have developed strong perfectionistic tendencies.
Being imperfect, again, leaves you vulnerable and is, therefore, perceived as dangerous.
To protect themselves from this real or perceived danger, the person hides their flaws, pretends to be who they are not, shifts responsibility, denies, or is prone to feelings of toxic guilt, shame, and unjust responsibility.
When socializing, such a person often feels stuck in their head, thinking about how others perceive them and worrying about appearing stupid, ugly, boring, mean, awkward, weird, or otherwise unlikeable.
Such overthinking paralyzes action and creates mental fog, which, by extension, leads to a lack of focus and poor communication.
Reminder
It’s okay to be imperfect.
Sometimes we all say or do things that may appear silly, weird, quirky, or otherwise “suboptimal.”
Perfection is an unattainable standard that keeps you in a cycle of unrealistic expectations and self-attack.
Aim to let go of your perfectionistic tendencies.
People who are terrified of rejection and respond to it with acute inner pain have a tough time when someone dislikes them.
However, people have different preferences, interests, and values.
Trying to be liked by everybody—or feeling upset if somebody dislikes you—is a futile task. It is also not healthy, and therefore not worth pursuing.
Some people will like you, some won’t. Some reasons for that are valid, and some aren’t. With some people you can be friends, with others you can’t.
But if you simply push others away while fearing that they will push you away, then you are only creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Reminder
Even if somebody dislikes or downright hates you, you can endure it.
You are not a child anymore, so not being accepted is not vital anymore. Try to build greater tolerance for rejection.
Do you struggle with social anxiety and have similar tendencies?
Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments section, or write about them in your personal journal.
My book: Human Development and Trauma: How Childhood Shapes Us into Who We Are as Adults
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