There is nothing more frustrating (or common!) than standing in our own way. Being our own greatest obstacle to living the life we want, or being the person we know we can be. In psychology, we call this self-sabotage: a pattern of actions and choices that take us farther away from where we want to go. This often happens without us even realizing it.
Throughout my work with clients, and by just reading too many Dostoevsky novels, I’ve narrowed it down to five reasons why humans do this. They are not mutually exclusive and most of us recognize ourselves in more than one.
We don’t believe we deserve better.
Most of us will only act, ask, and behave in a way that leads us towards what we think we deserve. If we don’t think we are worthy of love, we will choose people who can’t offer it. We will behave in a way that doesn’t allow us to cultivate it. If we don’t think we deserve the promotion, we will sabotage the interview. When we don’t believe we deserve to be happy, we will find ways, consciously or not, to ensure we aren’t. Believing that we deserve good things is half the battle of actually having them. Our beliefs set an internal ceiling on everything we allow ourselves to reach for.
We struggle to understand what we need (or want).
When we lack self-awareness or self-attunement, it’s difficult to make the right decision for ourselves. And by that, a decision aligned with who we are and who we want to become. We often sabotage our own chances of success or joy because we don’t have enough information. It’s not malicious. It’s ignorance. One of my favorite quotes is by Carl Jung who wrote: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Sometimes the sabotage is well intentioned, like trying to make a cake without having the recipe (or the skillset required to do something like that. Speaking from personal experience!)
We focus on instant gratification.
Sometimes we undermine our goals, growth or healing because we are focused on feeling good right now. We reach for what will give us immediate relief from the anxiety or the numbness, a dopamine hit, without considering how the decision takes us further away from the outcome we genuinely desire. The short-term and the long-term are constantly in negotiation, and the short-term seems to have a significant advantage: it is immediate, certain, and available. I get it. But don’t fill up on roadside snacks when there is a feast waiting for you at home. (This is my second food analogy. I might be hungry).
We are afraid of rejection or failure that may come from trying.
When people call something cringey, what they are really saying is: it’s embarrassing to watch someone try this hard, or fail this publicly. But there is nothing cringey about going after what you want. There is, in fact, a large population of people who are so afraid of rejection and failure that they would rather never try. The irony is that not trying lands you in the same place as trying and failing. Except without the experience, the data, or the knowledge that you showed up for yourself. Trying is the best shot you got. It’s the only shot you have.
We feel more in ‘control’ when engaging with familiar patterns, even if they are harmful. '
The brain loves the familiar. It will often choose a familiar pain over an unfamiliar opportunity. As Joseph Campbell wrote, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” We often sabotage because we are avoiding the uncomfortable and the different, not realizing that discomfort is not a signal to retreat. It is usually a signal that something worth having is on the other side. Growth does not live in the places that feel easy. It lives precisely in places that don’t.
Self-sabotage often goes unidentified. That’s because it’s pretty hard to pin down what’s really happening. It looks like procrastination, like settling, like negative self-talk, like picking the fight that ends your relationship before it can end on its own terms. It’s choosing comfort over growth, familiarity over possibility, the known pain over the unknown goodness.
I want to see how good life can get. I think you do too. Part of that journey is learning to get out of your own way. To be the stepping stone, not a stumbling block in your own life.
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