Welcome to Sex and Style, where we pick up where sex-ed left off. Written by Certified Sexologist Sarah Ward, this newsletter delivers weekly tips on embodied erotic reclamation, nervous system attunement, and the healing power of pleasure — straight to your inbox.
Tomorrow (July 31) is National Orgasm Day and this is always a good opportunity to:
Have an orgasm (or more)
Look back at how orgasmic you’ve been in the last year
I personally love tracking my pleasure — because what’s measured gets managed.
If your goal is to have more orgasms, you first need to know where you’re at so you can chart a path to where you’re going. One of the members inside of my Portal membership even tracks his masturbation and his partnered sex orgasms.
Who said statistics can’t be sexy? 📊
Now, I want to level set to say that orgasm isn’t the only benefit from a sexy romp in the hay, nor is it the only thing that merits whether sex was enjoyable.
There’s plenty of other tangible benefits from an intimate encounter with a lover that don’t include crossing a finish line.
Benefits like:
That said, the research that shows the relationship of orgasms with sexual orientation and gender is startling:
95% of heterosexual men always or usually orgasm during sex
89% of gay men always or usually orgasm during sex
86% of lesbian women always or usually orgasm during sex
65% of heterosexual women always or usually orgasm orgasm during sex
This, my friends, is the orgasm gap.
Culturally, there is a huge focus on p-in-v penetration. In case you needed proof, even the term “foreplay” suggests that everything that comes before penetration is just an prelude before the main event.
Except that penetration isn’t how every body orgasms.
The majority of men can achieve orgasm through penetration.
But only 18.4% of women can cum this way.
When men start to see the performative vaginal orgasms in porn as gospel truth — instead of entertainment — they can begin to believe that there’s something wrong with their lover’s body for not behaving the way the actors’ do in porn.
After all:
“The guys are convinced they are doing everything correctly because, after all, they learned it from the videos and they studied the “plays” over and over again.”
— Aaron Spitz, MD, Author of The Penis Book
Queer women — who have all the same parts as hetero women — are 21% more orgasmic than their hetero counterparts during partnered sex. This leads us to believe that it isn’t the plumbing that’s getting in the way, but the sex acts that they are engaging in, and if they’re integrating different toys and positions.
The clitoris, the organ responsible for female orgasm, wasn’t a central part of sex education until recently. The 1995 edition of Gray’s Anatomy — the classic anatomy textbook used by medical doctors — called the clitoris a little penis.
In 2005, Australian Urologist Helen O’Connell published her findings after mapping the clitoral erectile tissue and nerve structure.
It wasn’t until 2008 that the clitoris was fully labeled and included in Gray’s Anatomy.
When you’re with a lover, how often do you orgasm?
Is it less than when you self pleasure?
Or about the same?
I created a free quiz that you can take that tells you where you land. Click the link below, it’s just five questions and you’ll get a breakdown of where you are, plus one actionable tip from your very own Sexologist to help close the gap.
Here’s some upcoming events that I’m hosting in the month of August. These will be taught live, and even if you can’t make it the day of, a recording will be shared.
The clitoris wasn’t mapped until 2005. As a result, most of us have only passing knowledge about the organ that exists for pleasure alone.
In this free Masterclass, I’m teaching cliteracy — what the clitoris is, how there’s more to it than meets the eye, and why anatomy is only half the equation when it comes to lasting pleasure.
The other half? Safety. Even if you have flawless technique, the truth is a body that doesn’t feel safe won’t open. Join me and let’s get cliterate!
Sex and Style is a love letter to the body, written by Sarah Ward, Certified Sexologist, Somatic Sex Coach & Wardrobe Stylist. She helps people reclaim pleasure, presence, and style — fully clothed and beyond. Based in Albuquerque, NM, she works with clients worldwide.
Let’s get you dressed. And undressed.
If you’ve been looking for ways to experience more pleasure or feel more connection with your partner, reach out! I’d love to support you in your expansion.
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