Growing Pains on the Path of Yoga

When I was 9 years old I woke up one day with aching knees. I didn’t injure myself, but I felt something was off and was frustrated there was nothing “wrong” with me. The pain bugged me for weeks. I turned to my parents for comfort…

Dad offered his sense of humor: “Say hi to your knee!” I fell for it – Heinie! Giggles evaporated my pain instantly, but it was temporary.

Mom offered what I accepted as a perfectly reasonable explanation: “It’s Growing Pains. It will pass.” With that in mind, I didn’t worry so much, and I looked forward to getting taller. Turns out, she was right – it did pass, and my pants turned into highwaters!

There are many Growing Pains on the path of yoga. I can’t recall anyone ever warning me about this, or maybe I wasn’t paying attention — when I first stepped onto my mat over 25 years ago I was just there to work out and feel good, after all. I’ve had to learn a lot the hard way which is part of why I share the story of my journey, in hopes of saving other people from experiencing the same fate. Or perhaps if they fall down the same hole I did, they can look to me as proof they’ll find their way through it, too.

We were never meant to walk the path alone. There are many sources of comfort to be found in the company of skilled teachers, fellow yogis, and Kalyanamitras. Maybe a whole Sangha or Kula, if you’re lucky. Some receive the grace of a living or mystical guru and feel wholly supported by the invisible hand of the Divine without question. (I envy them.)

If everything about your life is going exactly as you want it to, don’t do yoga. Yoga will change things.

It often starts in the physical body and sends slow motion shockwaves out to all the aspects of your life. Perhaps these effects even ripple beyond your life, to ancestors that came before you, and onward to future generations. To all beings, everywhere.

Yoga will change you, and then you will need to change the yoga that you do. Recognizing the transformation is occurring and deciding whether or not to nurture it is a personal decision.

Some people grow and change with little pain and struggle. Perhaps they are especially resilient or blessed. I don’t think that’s the case for most, and certainly not for me. Swami Kripalu even warned yoga students that many will quit when exactly the right things happen.

A seed cannot sprout unless it cracks open. Ouch!

A caterpillar cannot transform to a butterfly without first marinating in its own goo. Eww!

After years of contemplating a big decision, today I am announcing that I’m taking a leap of faith enrolling at Kripalu to become a practitioner of yoga therapy and Ayurvedic medicine. I never imagined I’d be going back to school at 40. I feel simultaneously like a complete utter failure and a courageous success story. It’s terrifying to me – but I’ve been trying to think of the terror like what you feel on a rollercoaster – it’s a thrilling ride and I’m learning to trust the support that holds me. (Yoga helps!)

I am so fortunate and feel the deepest gratitude for all of the support I receive from God, my family, friends, colleagues, teachers, doctors, and healing artists. It’s remarkable. I could not do it without the proverbial village, that’s for sure.

One member of that village is a distant teacher in the Kripalu lineage who has no idea who I even am! I read Todd Norian’s book recently and one passage that really stuck with me is when he said that following your own heart means you will break the hearts of other people. It was a relief to hear the truth of that statement and learning about his yoga journey made something click for me to begin taking steps to make peace with disappointing people in pursuit of not disappointing myself any longer. It was reassuring to know his path was not all “love and light” and it is the dark side he experienced that helps him shine even brighter in his teachings today. He reassures the reader that from a Tantric perspective, everything is happening for your awakening. Don’t push any of it away — especially the “bad” Growing Pains felt in body, mind, and spirit.

When I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor when I grew up, but nothing worked out the way I planned. Yoga helped my inner compass come back online to guide me back to the healing work I always wanted to do, but in a way I never could have imagined. It’s scary and a sacrifice, but I’m willing to take the chance so I can live the Pranakriya mantra: Become More Fully Alive.

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