Stop Letting it Slide

When we don’t speak up, we hurt ourselves twice.

Once from the silence of self-betrayal

and then again from watching others suffer

because we didn’t have the courage to speak up when it was necessary.

They ignored the crack in the wing of the plane because they didn’t want to be perceived as an alarmist. The plane crashed, the “alarmist” lived and nearly everyone else died. All because one person was too afraid to speak up and be chastised for doing so.

They ignored their gut feeling that told them not to go to the party. They didn’t want to be rude, or ridiculed again for being protective parents, or offend a potential, much needed benefactor, by declining the pressured invitation.

The boy harmed the girl at the party. Now they live with the guilt of that choice, the aftermath of the trauma, and the determination to never ignore their intuition again.

She doesn’t speak up anymore when she smells smoke because she is tired of being ridiculed by the man who says, “It’s nothing.” He was in denial from the first fire that place had, which he also ignored. Had he not dismissed the smoke, there never would have been a fire.

Sometimes trauma makes us more aware of threat so that we might avoid experiencing pain again. Other times, trauma buries us in denial so that we never have to face the pain of what could have been prevented, if only we’d had the courage to confront it at the time and not let it slide by arrogantly minimizing the situation and cowardly dismissing the justified concern.

What does it mean to “Let it slide?” It means we ignore, dismiss, or overlook something that ruffles our feathers, triggers our instincts as being “off,” or catches our moral or ethical conscience.

There are legitimate times when it’s appropriate to let it slide:

1. When the mistake doesn’t harm anyone.

2. When the person recognizes their misstep themselves and demonstrates accountability while offering repair.

3. When the mistake is made by someone who is mentally disabled, a toddler, or senile (your political party opponent doesn’t count).

4. When it’s beyond your control, but that’s a trick philosophical question because there are only three things anyone can control on their own (thoughts, words, deeds) and what we add to the conversation impacts that- so very little is actually beyond our control to some extent. Our voice, when we have the courage to speak, always makes a difference.

Aside from these primary exceptions (I’m sure there are a few noteworthy others that I’m missing), a choice to let it slide is often a cowardly choice disguised as grace. It’s a choice to be part of the problem instead of the solution because the path of least resistance is easiest. When we don’t speak out we miss the opportunity and responsibility to shape a safer and more just world.

We’re taught as a society that “letting it slide” is for minor offenses (an off-handed remark, a small mistake, questionable or bad behavior).

The problem with that is, we perform as we practice.

Encouragement when we’re young, to “let it slide” for minor infractions,

becomes conditioning as an adult, to “let it slide” for major infractions.

Here’s a perfect example of what it means to let it slide, especially with grace.

There are times when we are called on to be soft, compassionate, and merciful with the mistakes of others. Then there are times when we are called to be strong, decisive, and act with conviction to correct the mistakes of others, not with shame but with solutions. We are not one dimensional creatures limited to only being shy or bold. Every person is capable of being either based on what the situation requires for us to survive, for that’s how DNA is programmed-for our survival.

We were designed with every quality of character available to us. We were indoctrinated to believe that we are limited in our character traits by what we inherit or were conditioned to perform by gender or cultural identity. The truth is that all humans are called to integrate all human characteristics. This is wholeness. This is integrity. Only being “one type of person” is a lie and a choice and it’s not serving the self or humanity.

We are not taught as a culture how to have the courage to address issues when they are manageable, in fact, we are discouraged from doing so. In this way, we end up living with unmanageable conditions that require more care and courage as they grow because addressing them has become something we fear and avoid. Eventually, we are left with situations we can no longer manage, that feel beyond our control, and can result in serious harm.

As someone who has known more trauma than most, I’ve had to learn how to take my power back and utilize it to co-create the world I want to live in—by not letting things slide. To stop being victimized by myself or others, I had to stop complaining as if that solved the problem alone. I refused to swallow the injustice in silence, and deny the impact it was having. I began to calmly call the behavior out, with as much diplomacy as possible, and call the problem into a right action with an achievable solution. In doing so, every area of my life improved and in some cases I was even able to improve the lives of others.

I drew toward me those who honor truth and courage and I repelled from me those who are cowardly and superficial. This is an important distinction. The people who are drawn to honesty, are usually those who are honest themselves. They feel most safe and protected around other honest people. However, those who wear social masks too often, or lack authenticity, or have something to hide, tend to fear being around those who are honest. It feels too uncomfortable to be seen for who they truly are and what they wish to hide.

When you ask people what three qualities they most respect and look for in a relationship (be in romantic, family, work, etc.) they often say: Kindness, a sense of humor, and honesty. Kind people tend to let it slide more than most. Honest people tend to call it out more than most. Funny people try to do both with a sense of playfulness and humor. We need more people who have the courage to integrate all three qualities of character: honest, kind, and playful. For just one of those qualities without the others creates imbalance. Kindness on its own can be too permissive, honesty without kindness can feel too harsh, and playfulness without honesty and kindness is often too dismissive. It’s not an easy combination to achieve being honest, kind, and playful, but it’s possible with practice, and a desire to do better, be better.

There is an art to diplomacy. If not careful it can come across at patronizing or condescending. Done right, however, and every side feels heard and seen and that’s what’s required to create change. The greatest barrier to change is denial that change is even required. Most every terrible thing that happens in life can be traced to a moment where we denied the red flag, denied our intuition, or put off saying something before it was too late. The problem then snowballs because we’ve been taught to let it slide without kind intervention.

The antidote to being victimized is having the courage to speak up and speak out with both diplomacy and calm confidence that knows humility. Not one of us is without fault. When we call something out, we have to tap into our empathy and remember times when we have faltered and needed kindness to call us out and not let our mistake slide. None of us are superior or inferior to each other. We are all students and teachers learning from each other through life experiences. This is not about punishment but rather, alignment.

There’s a better way that protects everyone and it strengthens the muscle of courage each time we use it. Confronting an issue does not have to be thought of as pugnacious belligerence or aggression. When we speak with calm confidence, we can address a situation without engaging in conflict.

At the end of this piece, you will have 12 diplomatic phrases to confront sticky situations without letting it slide. Memorize them. Put them in a note app on your phone for easy access. Practice them in small situations so that you will have the confidence to use them in larger situations.