Mrs Know-It-All — Still Gets It Wrong

I fell asleep at 3 a.m. yesterday.

Which is unusual because I’m an early riser.

The thoughts were just eating me alive.

And somewhere between staring at my ceiling and replaying every bad decision I’ve made in the last few months, I started wondering if self-awareness is a bit of a scam.

Not because it isn’t useful.

It is.

But I think I’ve spent years treating self-awareness like some sort of protective shield.

Like if I could identify my patterns, I’d never repeat them.

Like if I understood myself enough, I’d never end up in situations that embarrassed me.

But lately I’m starting to wonder if that’s just ego.

Because why was I actually upset?

Was I upset because I got hurt?

Or was I upset because I knew better but felt hurt anyway?

There’s a difference.

I think a lot of my guilt comes from believing I should be above certain experiences.

Above getting played.

Above falling for the wrong person.

Above losing myself in someone.

As if self-awareness was supposed to stop me from being human.

And maybe that’s why the curiosity to love to obsession pipeline feels so insane.

Not because it’s unique.

But because every single time it happens, I’m shocked it happened to me.

As though women haven’t been writing albums about this exact experience for decades.

As though every girl before me hasn’t looked at a man she swore she’d never take seriously and somehow ended up in love with him.

The embarrassing part isn’t even getting caught up.

It’s realizing you thought you were above getting caught up in the first place.

Maybe that’s what kept me awake.

Just the uncomfortable realization that self-awareness doesn’t exempt you from life. You can know exactly whats going on and still willingly choose wrong.

and that guilt will still eat you alive.