Do you secretly enjoy heartbreak?

(Listen + read)

Think about it.

Is heartbreak something that you secretly enjoy?

Does the feeling of uncertainty and desperation of being so consumed by love that it dooms you feel gratifying in a certain way?

Thinking about all the ways I could hold back my feelings, I also think about all the ways love teaches me something new when I give it my all and part of me gets let down.

I also think it makes me feel alive.

Falling so deeply and losing feels like a great loss, but an even greater sense of direction. It makes me feel like I tried. Even if it was embarrassing. Even if it was stupid.

It also makes me wonder...

Do you feel like you’ve created situationships?

Do you think you might’ve been part of the reason things changed? That things became so nonchalant, so unintentional, so misaligned?

I was venting to my friend about how confused I was that a girl like me kept attracting men who were nonchalant and had no real intentions.

She stopped me and asked, “Do you think you’re the one creating these situations?”

At first, I was confused. What could she possibly mean?

But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

You can tell yourself over and over what you don’t want. You can set your intentions. You can know your standards.

And still get caught up.

I think that’s what she meant.

I was standing there complaining about everything he wasn’t.

He wasn’t intentional.
He wasn’t consistent.
He wasn’t giving me what I wanted.

But if I knew all of that... what exactly was I confused about?

If I could never accept those things, why was I still choosing them?

Why was I questioning everything if I didn’t even want to be there?

Maybe all I needed to do was walk away.

The signs were there.

They usually are.

It made me realize that maybe the better question isn’t, “Why does this keep happening to me?”

Maybe it’s, “Why do I keep staying once I know?”

At some point, you have to stop crying over spaces you hate being in.

Stop asking why your relationships aren’t working.

Stop wondering why life isn’t going the way you hoped.

And start asking harder questions.

Are your boundaries actually strong enough?

Do you secretly enjoy the tension of almost-love, heartbreak, and emotional chaos because it’s familiar?

Are you mistaking potential for reality?

And are you sure you’re not the one creating the very situations you’re trying so desperately to escape?