In the midst of war, Trump talks marble, flagpoles, and grass

Wednesday August 19, 2026

Humiliatingly flailing for an off ramp and with geopolitical flop sweat pouring off him since he can’t find a way out or anyone else to blame, Trump is once again shifting gears on his idiotic war of choice in Iran. After repeated threats to bomb them back to the stone age and end their civilization didn’t work, he’s now trotting out economic sanctions, a variation of which have been in place against Iran for decades but whatevs – surely they’ve never been so strong, or so powerful, or had big strong men talking about them with tears in their eyes before.

Actually, Trump’s really are unprecedented (just ask him) because, as he writes tonight on his dumb personal social media site where apparently Natalie Harp thumbs out global policy: “Today, I am announcing the MOST CRUSHING ECONOMIC OPERATION EVER TAKEN AGAINST ANY COUNTRY! This will be Economic Warfare and Isolation on an unprecedented scale.” Yup, got it Skipper. Seriously, does this clown say his dump was the greatest one ever every damn time he takes a shit? It is so freaking tedious. Anyway, he continues: “This will be an ECONOMIC D-DAY, and we need all of our Allies to stand with the United States of America to isolate, and defeat, the Iran threat. These maniacs are on the ropes, and these HISTORIC MEASURES will cripple them and their ability to project terror worldwide.” Oy vey – and also, do we even have any allies anymore???

Gramps is obviously big mad because the Iranian mullahs are just as freaking nuts as he is, similarly caring only about their own power and not giving a rat’s ass about the welfare of their citizens. We’ll see how this latest gambit goes. Let’s give it about 2 weeks, what do you think?

Maybe he can discuss Iranian strategy with his human adhesive Natalie, especially now that she has a security clearance. MS NOW reports tonight that Trump recently told Harp to submit her forms and get a clearance after White House lawyers and security officials raised hell since she’d been working there for more than a year without a clearance. Officials told MS NOW that “Harp declined multiple times to seek a routine security clearance normally obtained by West Wing staffers.” She is really special huh?

To get his mind off his Middle East failures, Trump began the day by inviting reporters to come check out his new helipad. No, really. There was so much crazy it’s hard to know where to start: Ranting like a whack job about the stone he installed on the path to the helipad, he claims “It’s got a million-year life. It will never break. It will never leak. (Hmmm, that rings a bell…isn’t that what they said about the surface of the nonReflecting Pool?) It’s graded a million year plus, that means it’s got a million-year life, can you imagine that?” Well actually, no. No, we can’t because it is absolutely moronic.

Waddling around like the hospitality manager at the Des Moines Marriott, he declares himself “very good at flagpoles,” (you can’t make this shit up) brags on the topsoil noting that “if you’re grass, you’re very happy,” (I can feel my brain cells dying typing this), and gives a plug to Scotts Miracle-Gro, which he notes also contributed to his campaign. What the hell, why not mix in a little emoluments clause violation as long as you’re at it, right?

Once again calling his abomination that will cover the gaping hole he created by illegally demolishing the East Wing the “ballroom and military complex,” he repeats the lie that after he knocked down the East Wing and started the ballroom “the military came to me and said ‘sir’ we have an opportunity to do something incredible here and we’ve been trying to do it for a 100 years.” For sure, because I remember reading in American history how the Army was lobbying to get that drone port built at the White House back in 1926. LOLOLOL It’s all so stupid.

Later, after keeping assorted tech a-holes cooling their heels standing around with cameras on them for over half an hour, Trump strolls in to talk about how important it is to ensure “that America remains the undisputed leader not only in Bitcoin and crypto, but also technologies like prediction markets, and artificial intelligence,” surely just coincidentally all the industries he and his crime family and dipping their beaks into.

He notes that “One year ago this summer, I signed landmark legislation known as The Genius Act. I named it after myself. I didn’t want to use my name so I just called it the Genius Act.” Oh gag me. All the middle-aged rich white guys laugh and laugh.

He lets a couple of them step up to the mic so they can shine him on. While they’re blabbing for a minute or so, he can barely keep his eyes open and he looks like he’s sleeping standing up like a horse. Paging Natalie!!! Your man needs a chair STAT.

When it’s time to take questions from reporters, he repeats the lunacy about the need to cut back on military exercise with South Korea, which has been a close ally for more than 70 years because, according to Trump, the exercises might hurt the fee-fees of his pal Kim Jong Un.

"I felt that to do a massive war exercise...I thought that was very insulting to somebody that, frankly, has been, during my term at least, very well behaved," Trump said. He, once again, preposterously bragged about his “relationship” with the murderous dictator: “I do have a good relationship with Kim Jong Un, as you know, you've seen. He didn't like Biden. He didn't like Obama. He didn't like anybody, but he likes me and I like—I just get along with him.” This is absolute madness!!! Is there truly not a single Republican member of the Senate who will call this out FFS??? Okay, sadly, that’s a rhetorical question at this point.

He rails about interest rates, saying "I almost like to hear bad numbers. I'm saying, 'I hope we had bad numbers so the interest rates will go down.'" Wheeee!!!!

“They should drop interest rates because it means we have a strong country and it's all based on credit, meaning good credit, and we have the best credit and we'd pay off the debt very easily, very quickly.” Huh. Guy who bankrupted 5 casinos lecturing about credit really just sums up this freak show we’re living through doesn’t it? "When our country is strong, interest rates should go down. When our country is weak, frankly they should go up,” Trump says. WTAF?? At this point, the rich guys look like they don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Join the club.

Meanwhile, the vile Melania, who has not been seen publicly for about a month now (toooootally normal for a “First Lady”) is, the Daily Beast reports, expected to leave her coven and appear with her loathsome fake husband tomorrow for an event in the now-rose-less Rose Garden. They are hosting an event, the publication explains, to launch a “groundbreaking alliance” (are there any other kind with this crew?) with Mel’s (do her closest friends call her Mel? Yeah, I bet not) “Fostering the Future” initiative, which I’m sure is a real banger, probably right up there with “Be Best.” The fact that every reporter in DC will be checking out the placement of Mel and Natalie Harp at the event is awesome.

Extra Credit:

Just when you thought you’d seen it all - what with Jesse Freaking Watters telling Republicans they were full of shit for their faux outrage over Georgia Senator Jon Ossoff’s name-dropping of Trump’s traveling tramp Natalie Harp – he was at it again! Today on his show, “The Five,” Watters was talking about how Ossoff is “great with voters” and how when someone emails or calls he gets right back to them “and that goes a long way.” This is so bananas that it’s either some galaxy brained MAGA psyops action, or proof that even a demented squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. Stay tuned.

Thanks so much for reading and stay safe and healthy everyone!! Remember we are not the crazy ones!!!