Today’s piece is from my new “Advice” column, Dear (Zio) Aunt Sally. Agony Aunt Sally is my alter ego, here to help with your most pressing concerns and worries. Please read and enjoy.
Note: This is purely for entertainment purposes. A little light relief in the midst of all the fuckery.
Wednesday stories (8 pm UK time) are by Sally Prag. Sunday stories (at the same time) feature the work of a range of writers. With the gradual evolution of the JPF, I am keeping all regular posts free but will be introducing a new column for paying subscribers called Book Talk — all about books relevant to Jewish life and literature. Watch this space! For now, if you would like to support me with a one-time donation, click here.
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Welcome to my new Zio agony aunt column, where you can ask questions directly to my alter ego, Zio Aunt Sally, and get your most pressing issues off your chest. If you have any questions, feel free to email them to auntsally777@gmail.com.
Otherwise, take your time to read and digest the wisdom of Zio Aunt Sally. Perhaps her sage advice will be of use in your own predicaments. At the very least, hopefully it can help us navigate the next two thousand years of the same old nonsense.
To open our new column, this week’s questions come from Yossi, Hannah, David, Rebecca, Leah and Rachel.
Dear Aunt Sally,
I’m feeling really stuck. I went with all of my friends to a local pro-Palestine march and held a big sign up saying “Israel doesn’t hate Palestinians. Jews stand with Palestinians and love Palestine and Israel.” I just wanted to show that Israelis and Jews do care about Palestinians, but no one would believe me. They called me a child murderer, even though not only I would never hurt a child but would do anything to protect a child in danger. I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?
Yossi
Dear Yossi,
I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. The good news is that I and most of my readers will also have been called child murderers and genocide supporters too, and I for one could never even think of hurting a child, nor desire to see the end of an ethnic group of any kind.
What we do want to see is the end of Jews being targeted by Jihadists in Israel and globally. And we want to end jihadist doctrine in order to pave the way for Israelis and Palestinians to one day coexist.
We also want to see the end of bigotry and stupidity in our own communities, among people who literally have no clue what in the virgin-laden hell they are talking about, and that’s where we find ourselves up against a big wall. A big wall made entirely from bigotry and stupidity. We point out that we’re decent people who desperately want peace for all, and it hits the brick wall of stupidity. We say we care about all lives — both Palestinians and Israelis — and we hit the brick wall of bigotry.
If we expand the analogy of the brick wall, it becomes easier to understand how everything we say will bounce back at us. But if, then, we were to hold a mirror up to reflect the responses, we could show the brick wall the stupidity and bigotry with which it resists us. And we could show it its ugly, flat, boring, repetitive face in all its unimaginative uniformity.
I mean, it’s a great analogy, right? I don’t really know how that translates back into practice, but I’ll let you figure that part out. And keep me posted how it goes.
Aunt Sally
Dear Aunt Sally,
I happened to mention in passing to some friends that my uncle works for the BBC and now they all think that he controls all of the media and that I am in on it too. How can I persuade them otherwise?
Hannah
Dear Hannah,
Don’t worry, you’re good. My sister works for the UK government’s weather forecasting department, so apparently I control the weather. When I go on a date with a creep, it always helps to mention it. I follow it up with, “I can arrange for you to see the space laser if you want,” to which their eyes light up before I mention that they have to be circumcised to be allowed near it, and they go running for the hills. It never fails.
In other words, don’t try to persuade them otherwise. Use it as your Jewish superpower in any way possible.
Best,
Aunt Sally
Dear Aunt Sally,
I’ve been told that Jews are all white European colonisers. This is quite surprising to me since my grandmother came from Iraq, my cousin’s family came from Morocco, and my neighbour came from Ethiopia. Should I tell them?
David
Dear David,
Absolutely not. Imagine the confusion!
Your grandmother has spent eighty years remembering Baghdad. Your Moroccan relatives have been making couscous that would reduce me to tears. Ethiopian Jews spent centuries believing they were descendants of ancient Israel.
The last thing they need is some nineteen-year-old sociology student explaining that they’re actually Polish.
Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is let people enjoy their own history uninterrupted by some insignificant random telling them otherwise.
Love,
Aunt Sally
Dear Aunt Sally,
Someone told me Zionists think they’re God’s chosen people and therefore believe everyone else is inferior. Is this true?
Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
No.
Being Jewish generally involves spending several thousand years asking questions, arguing with your family and offending someone by not accounting for their dietary requirements with the cake you contributed for Shabbat.
If we really believed we were superior, we’d surely be considerably less chaotic as a nation by now, wouldn’t we?
Also, if you ever attend a synagogue committee meeting you’ll quickly discover that the only thing Jews unanimously believe is that the synagogue committee could be run better.
Yours,
Aunt Sally
Dear Aunt Sally,
My university society has informed me that antizionism has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with Jews.
Coincidentally, they only ever seem to shout at Jews.
Is this just very bad luck?
Leah
Dear Leah,
It sounds like extraordinary bad luck.
Rather like joining a birdwatching club whose members spend every weekend throwing stones at sparrows while insisting they have absolutely nothing against sparrows.
I’m sure it’s just an unfortunate statistical anomaly.
Keep counting.
Love,
Aunt Sally
Dear Aunt Sally,
Someone told me that Jews should simply “go back where they came from.”
I’m not sure where that is anymore.
Rachel
Dear Rachel,
This is a fascinating topic.
If you were born in London, they’ll tell you to go ‘back’ to Israel. If your family migrated from Ukraine to the USA, they’ll tell you to go ‘back’ to Israel. If your family came from Iraq, Yemen, Libya, Egypt or Syria, they’ll tell you to go ‘back’ to Israel.
Then, once you get to Israel, someone on the internet tells you to go ‘back’ to Poland.
Eventually you realise they don’t actually care where you go.
They’d just rather you weren’t wherever they happen to be standing.
Best,
Aunt Sally
PS. It’s nothing new! It has been happening for thousands of years. That’s why our predecessors created modern Israel — so that we could go back to where we came from, finally.
That’s all for now! Don’t forget to email me with your own questions at auntsally777@gmail.com.
Do subscribe and support my work.
Or make a one-off donation to help Zio Aunt Sally keep spreading her words of wisdom!
(On a serious note, any support, including sharing my work, helps me to keep elevating Jewish voices and concerns)
With love, Aunt Sally 💙
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