Re-enchanté

So much of our relationships are determined by the circumstances under whence they commenced. We see people through a certain lens, dictated by the circumstances of how you got to know each other. Others, meeting the same person in different circumstances would see a completely different side to that person, and perhaps be enchanted by them in a way that you have never been.

How different could our relationships be if we were to meet them in different circumstances? Someone who is your colleague could’ve been our best friend if you met at the local soccer club instead of at work. Someone you’ve known since high school might’ve astounded you with their wisdom if you hadn’t known them as a goofy little kid.

There is so much wonder that lies within everyone and often we don’t see it because of the preconceptions we have of others. Breaking free of those requires us meeting them again for the first time.

A re-enchanté.

I came up with this term since I couldn’t find any existing names for this concept. Taken from the french word enchanté, meaning pleased to meet you.

I think of how in the past year I’ve had many amazing connections with people, and a large part of that is due to how I’ve changed as a person. I’m sure many of the people I’ve met in the past have also had similar amazing connections with others, which makes me think that if the circumstances were different, if I were to meet them for the first time now, the way we view each other might be greatly different.

It takes almost a forgiveness to see someone in a new light. A humility on your part to be able to say “I don’t know who you are”. You need to give them the grace and space to reinvent themselves, without having your preconceptions crowd their brilliance.

This is fundamentally counter to how humans behave, as Jesus puts:

“A prophet is not without honour except in his own town and in his own home.” - Matthew 13:57 (NIV)

Those whom a prophet knew in their past life are closed off to the possibility that someone they grew up with could take on such glory.

Importantly, having the skill to be reenchanted with someone, to meet them for the first time again, is vital to marriage. Marriage is intended to last for the span of a human life and in order for it to survive, you must continue to meet each other through every transformation that occurs throughout your lives. Unless you can do this, you will be left holding onto a person that no longer exists.

Putting it into practice

Ok so how do you actually meet someone again for the first time? It requires a well thought out strategy because you’re fighting an uphill battle against human nature.

Disclaimer: I haven’t actually attempted this yet but here are my initial ideas. I will keep this section updated if I discover new tactics or try them out myself.

1. Roleplay - it seems kind of silly but pretending you’re actually meeting for the first time will help you to ask the questions that you would when first meeting them, and it is likely that some of those answers would have changed since you originally met.

2. Join a gathering with their other friends - It’s commonly known that people behave differently around different groups of people. How being with your high school friends takes you into the same mode of behaviour as when you were in high school. So by seeing how someone interacts with friends from a different context to you, you will discover a new part to them. It’s more effective if you meet their newer friends, because that is likely to be a closer representation to who they are now.

3. Ask them what one of their recent conversations with a new person was like - This approach is inferior since you’re still relating with them as you usually would, but at least you can still get a glimpse of how they relate to others differently.

4. Play one of those conversation games - There are many games that exist that help you with conversation by giving you questions to explore, and these are typically questions that won’t come up in your usual way of relating. I won’t explicitly name one but you can find plenty available if you search online.

5. Make a fake account and slide into their dms - Now I don’t recommend this for obvious reasons, but I do believe it to be highly effective. Use at your own risk. This also has the downside of being onesided since they will not learn anything about you.

Besides these tactics, the main meta skill is to believe that others have the ability to reinvent themselves, and to have the humility to see it. Also, like most relationships, it helps if you are the first one to initiate because it’ll likely be reciprocated. So if you are active in trying to share new sides of you, then they might also share new sides of them.

Leave a comment below with your thoughts on this idea of re-enchanté! I’m curious to hear what you think, and also if you attempt this with anyone you know.