They say that the most important relationship you’ll ever have in life is with yourself. I’ve heard this probably one hundred times (and rolled my eyes at it 101 times…) Needless to say, I never really took it seriously until recently. Since exiting a year-long slump, I’ve made it my mission to prioritize my relationship with myself above most things in my life. Yes, the lady that has historically put quite literally every single thing before herself has taken 500 steps back and is now working on not doing that. Applause!
It hasn’t been easy or fun at all really. It’s actually the most arduous and un-fun, least sexy thing I’ve ever done. It can be incredibly painful to put yourself first. At least it is for me. But now that I’m older and wiser (31 soon although I’ve felt that age my whole life), I know beyond a shadow of a donut now that it’s a serious investment that needs to be made. I also do not take for granted that being selfish at this point in my life is a privilege. Having the opportunity to put me first is my reality right now, but it likely will not be forever. Read on for the 7 ways in which I am intentionally nurturing my relationship with myself.
I’m far from perfect, but I’m here and trying.
It’s taken me some time to learn that some amount of friction is absolutely necessary in order for me to be my best self. I’m simply not a happy person when I’m not being challenged in the right ways. This friction can take many forms, but my favorite kind of friction is the physical kind. I absolutely love doing hard things physically and it makes me feel really good. I love big goals like running every single day for a year or running 30 miles for my 30th birthday last year. (Note: this is coming from a previously inathletic theatre kid who found running post-graduating college about 9 years ago). So that’s saying a lot. Movement has allowed me to become the best version of myself and I stand behind that ten toes down. Running has made me endlessly more resilient and able to actually deal with life instead of feeling like it was coming at me.
But friction can also look like cooking myself a healthy meal when I don’t want to but I know it will make me feel better. Or intentionally going to a new coffee shop to break myself out of my routine. Or complimenting a stranger randomly on the street because I have free will and it’s just a nice thing to do, although slightly uncomfortable. Showing up for myself means choosing friction frequently. It’s what truly feeds my growth as a person. It’s not always easy to do, but it is always worth it.
I lived so many years of my life not fully feeling my feelings. I didn’t even really realize I was doing that until I truly found meditation and journaling in a meaningful way last year while trying to exit my year-long slump. Doing that created space for me to observe myself without judgement. Somewhere along the way I got sneakily good at bottling my emotions and storing them away, using work as a distraction, and not expressing myself as a coping mechanism. Zoinks!
I decided that I truly cannot do that anymore. Now, I do my best to feel things as they come instead of ignoring them. The good! The bad! The ugly! It is all felt now, in all of its complicated, messy glory. It is not easy to feel it all, but for me there is no alternative. Doing so has also allowed me to realize that I don’t need to grasp on to every single thing I feel. “Feelings are not final” – is a thought that I came across that helps me to think of my feelings as soft passing clouds. The sky is always changing, and so am I.
So long as we reject the parts of ourselves that we do not like, so we will continue to abandon ourselves. This is a tough one. I’m still working on it. Maybe it’s a forever thing to work on, who knows. But it’s been a critical part of my journey back to myself. I realized that every time I refused to accept some part of myself that is ugly and undesirable, I reject myself.
Identifying what those sticky things are and looking at them… really looking at them and saying “okay, I accept you” – it’s what we all deserve. We all deserve radical, whole-hearted acceptance of ourselves. Every single part. Even the most embarrassing or shameful or gnarly things that you don’t even want to say out loud. That is the shit you have to look at and say YUP! I see you! I love you too! It’s the only way to embrace your true authenticity. It’s the only way to fully step into your power. Because the stories you’re telling yourself about XYZ are not even… really real anyway? Bring it all into the light. You aren’t the story attached to it, you are the light.
Okay wait, maybe I lied… THIS part is fun. Remembering my younger self has been such a tender way to reconnect with the little me within me. I’ve been working on giving shape to the versions of myself that I’ve forgotten. I have a Pinterest board filled with things that speak to my younger self. It’s just silly old posters, stickers she used to collect, toys she used to have, scenes from shows she used to watch, images from books she used to read. Her favorite Nintendog. Anything that speaks to her really. I add to it whenever I come across something that makes her smile. I also have a Spotify playlist with all of her favorite songs. OMG, do I love that playlist.
I also recently came across my old Tumblr, my old journals from high school and my old essays from my favorite English class. Remembering all of these things and moments from another version of myself has been truly cathartic. It’s allowed me to fully see who I was, where I came from and draw a clear line that connects to who I am now. I love her and all of her messiness and angst and big feelings. She got through it! Now I get to make her proud.
Life is far too precious to deny myself every possible joy. Yes, I’ll take the hour long walk with my dog! Yes, I’ll take two scoops, thank you very much! Yes, I will read in the sun this afternoon. Yes, I am going to wear the dress again and again. And yes, I am most certainly buying the damn farmer’s market berries. The peaches too. And why yes, I will absolutely eat it over my kitchen sink, juice running to my elbows.
Experiencing joyful things is a pleasure that I will never deny myself. Within reason of course, but more often than not – I’m doing the thing that brings me joy just because I’m here and I can. Notice your joy and choose it all the time. Frequently, abundantly, unapologetically. Feeling and enjoying good things will only ever bring you more good things. Joy can be present in every moment, so long as you make the space to experience it.
Ugh, she’s writing about meditating again! Sorry! But being still is the absolute best thing that I do to prioritize my relationship with myself. It’s never something I want to do. It’ll only ever be something I must do.
The space that it creates inside myself is priceless. The healing and growth that I’ve been able to accomplish as a result, also priceless. Actually free! Although I do use Open almost daily. But it can be free, I’ve also used many Youtube videos.
Regardless, being still is the most important thing on this list I think. It brings me closer to the version of myself that I dream of being. It allows me to tune out the nonsense and focus on what really matters. It helps me to remember that I am not the noise. I’m the calm clear consciousness underneath. When I lose sight of that, I lose my true self.
I’ve kept a journal for as long as I can remember. I haven’t always been consistent, but I have always had one. Since I picked it back up last year, I don’t think I’ll ever have a meaningful break from it again. I’m working on building out a full journaling ecosystem that really feels like a comprehensive space for self-reflection, goal-setting, dreaming, feeling, being.
Anyway, returning to my journaling practice has allowed me to identify unfavorable patterns, air-out thoughts that loop in my mind, and proactively direct my focus towards what I truly want in my life. It is deep and meaningful work that often looks like unfocused rambling pages. It is also often work that I don’t want to do either. But in the end, getting my thoughts on paper and out of my head will always be one of the most productive things that I can do to make sense of it all.
Quick overview on my 7 habits (screenshot this & journal about what your lineup could look like too!):
Choosing friction
Fully feeling my feelings
Accepting every ugly part
Remembering my younger self
Never denying myself joy
Being still
Writing about it
I appreciate you so much. If you enjoyed this post, send to a friend! New letters every Wednesday.
Until then, you can find me on Strava, Instagram, TikTok, and LinkedIn. Join my Hudson Valley RUN CLUB! Shop my favorites here and here. For collaborations, partnerships or to work together, send me a note at kristinearocho@gmail.com.
And since you made it this far, congrats! You win a recent Otis photo below. See you next week!
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