This newsletter was originally published on British Vogue.
Another month, another round of deranged relationship discourse – this time relating to being unfaithful. And no, it’s not about whether it’s okay to cheat. It’s about whether you should cut off a friend (read: never speak to them again) if you found out they’d cheated. While my immediate answer would be “no, obviously”, a surprising amount of people on TikTok believe that people who cheat don’t deserve friends. But why is this? And what does it say about where Gen Z – a generation I’m part of – are at, culturally?
The general argument seems to be that cheating isn’t aligned with some individuals’ own moral code – as if infidelity is some kind of indefensible trump card of evil – and they therefore don’t want to be associated with someone who has stooped to such lows. “If a girl is willing to cheat on a guy that she is committed to, what on earth makes you think she wouldn’t do you dirty somehow?” asks one TikToker. “Do you really want to be friends with someone who has morals like those?” “It shows they have no emotional intelligence, and no sense of loyalty,” claims another.
While I get the logic, in a roundabout way, I also can’t say that I agree. I’ll admit, cheating isn’t great behaviour. But, like everything else, infidelity can occur in context – sometimes, it’s a way of expressing more general dissatisfaction, other times it’s a way of regaining autonomy amid a controlling relationship, other times it’s simply a poor decision (something many of us can relate to). There are endless reasons, not all of them unforgivable, and certainly not enough to nix an entire friendship over.
Helen Mayor, a psychotherapist and co-founder of The Thought House Partnership, believes that this visceral anti-cheating rhetoric can sometimes be projection – a fear that you might be swayed to cheat if you acknowledge or forgive someone else’s infidelity. “One person being unfaithful might trigger others to think about behaving in the same way, and to be dissatisfied, or question their own relationships,” she says. Essentially, other people cheating can feel destabilising, even triggering, which in turn might cause a person to react in outsized ways.
For Mayor, there’s also an element of intolerance at play. “Right now there is such low tolerance for an alternate view. The standards set for themselves and others can be extremely high.” In other words, we’re cutting people off rather than simply disagreeing with them. But in a healthy friendship, we should be able to have hard conversations and hold people to account. We should also be able to express our disappointment. “There is perhaps a need for a more compassionate and pragmatic view which takes in a view of the whole person, rather than an isolated incident,” adds Mayor.
For a lot of people, though, cheating does take in a view of a whole person. Especially if it’s not just a one-time thing. Natalie, 19, ended a close friendship over repeated cheating. It wasn’t the cheating, per se, that led her to call her quits – instead, it was multiple instances of dishonesty that led to greater trust concerns. “I decided to end the friendship because the cheating wasn’t a one-time mistake, it was ongoing and it revealed a lot about this person’s character,” Natalie explains. “Watching them lie so naturally to someone who trusted them made me feel like that same dishonesty could eventually be turned toward me.”
“There is perhaps a need for a more compassionate and pragmatic view which takes in a view of the whole person, rather than an isolated incident”
Natalie felt like their former friend’s behaviour was indicative of a wider approach to intimate relationships. “I don’t regret it. It was a difficult decision because this was a close friend, but I still feel confident in it. I had already tried distancing myself and even talked to them about their behaviour, but nothing changed,” she says. “Walking away can feel harsh, but staying close to someone whose actions you can’t support ends up harming your own peace. I wish them the best, and I hope they one day recognise how their dishonesty affects their relationships with the people around them.”
Cutting people off for cheating isn’t just a Gen Z phenomenon. Laura*, in her early 40s, broke up with a friend of eight years after revealing that she frequently cheated on her partner – among other things. Similar to Nat, Laura found that the frequency of the cheating felt more severe than an affair with just one person. The disregard for her partner led her to question her friend’s character: “[It was as if] a mask came off and what was underneath was not good news”. Despite the fallout from the decision, Laura has no regrets. “It cost me an entire friendship group but I stand by it.”
I can understand the need to call someone out for repeated dishonesty, but again – context matters. Alex*, 28, agrees – when their best friend cheated on their partner, they held them to account without throwing away the friendship. “He felt so guilty and came clean right away the next day,” they explain. “It hasn’t happened again. He really reckoned with the consequences of his actions, and did everything to make it up afterwards, putting a lot of effort into repairing the relationship.” Alex doesn’t take cheating lightly, but they also understand that no one is perfect, and everyone is capable of slipping up. Their true morals are demonstrated by how they make amends afterwards.
The Ozempic era is coming for our sex lives
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March 17, 2025
So, everyone you know is on Ozempic. Those influencers you see at every event, your old friend from school, your estranged father….yep, basically everyone that can afford it.
I’ve yet to cut anyone off for cheating, and – unless there’s some wider harmful behaviour – I likely never will. To my mind, everyone is capable of doing the wrong thing, even of hurting someone without meaning to. In every situation there’s nuance. Black and white rules don’t serve any of us, and they’re certainly not the best way to develop long-standing friendships, which encourage us to be witnessed and supported even in the moments when we’re not the good guy. After all, if you want someone to be there for you at your worst, you’ve got to be prepared to return the favour.
*Some names have been changed.
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I’m Megan (they/them): a Scottish writer specialising in the erotic. I’ve been running my Substack, PULP, for around a year but I’ve been writing professionally for quite a bit longer. My bylines include British GQ, CNN, British Vogue, The Guardian, etc.
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