Learn to fight better (Zoom link inside)

I’ve spent twenty years in rooms with people trying not to fight. And let me tell you, the quietest rooms are often the ones in the most trouble. Nobody raises their voice, everybody agrees, and underneath it all, something the group actually needs to decide or face just drags on, not getting decided, sometimes for years.

We’ve been taught that a group without conflict is a healthy group, but I’ve come to believe close to the opposite. Long-term communities need love, and they also need conflict. The communities that last aren’t the ones that don’t fight; they’re the ones that fight well. The same is true of relationships, and it’s true of teams. The teams that have breakthroughs aren’t the ones that never argue. They’re the ones who can get into it so they can get out of it.

But in many of the groups I work with, when the possibility for disagreement shows up, we oscillate between avoidance and escalation – between what I call unhealthy peace and unhealthy conflict. We either say nothing at all or we burn the house down.

In my new book, THE ART OF FIGHTING, I explore something between unhealthy peace and unhealthy conflict: healthy heat. It’s an in-between place – where you can hold the tension long enough, with care, for it to be generative and clarifying.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, August 19, at 12 pm ET, we’re diving into healthy heat in our next GROUP HELP Lab. I’ll teach you what healthy heat is and how to recognize it, why heat is really just a sign that something relevant is in the room, and how to start mapping what your own groups care enough about to fight over. Come with one group or relationship in mind — a team, a family, a friend group, a board — and we’ll work on it together.

If you’re a paid subscriber, you’ll find the Zoom link below. If you’re not yet a GROUP LIFER, become one today. For the cost of a sandwich a month, you’ll get to join this lab, plus every past replay and all future labs.

And if you want to get a sense of Group Help labs, I’ve made The #1 secret to thriving group life — and how to harness it and How to host a gathering you actually want to attend, free and open to all. Come join us!

Can’t wait to practice with you.

As always,

Priya

P.S. ICYMI, I sat down with Samin Nosrat, author of SALT, FAT, ACID, HEAT and GOOD THINGS, for a Substack Live yesterday. We talked about the weekly Monday dinner that saved her after her biggest success left her feeling more alone than ever, and what it actually takes to build a ritual that sticks. Watch the replay here. And get her new free guide on how to host your own Monday night dinners here.

P.P.S. Join me and Lupita Nyong’o on Friday, September 4th. If you preorder The Art of Fighting before then, you’re invited to a live conversation where Lupita and I will be taking your questions about conflict in your own life. Preorder and register here.