Children who experience trauma blame themselves, and that blame continues into their adulthood. Blame shifts into self-hatred. I am intimately familiar with self-hatred. It was my constant companion, telling me I would never be enough. The good news is that I actually love myself now.
Self-love overrides self-hatred. But what exactly is self-love? An article in Psychology Today defines it as “a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support one’s physical, psychological, and spiritual growth.” Without self-love, we will not heal from trauma. We will stay stuck in the mire of the aftereffects. Our true self is who we want to embrace, and we will not be able to do so if we can’t love ourselves.
Part of self-love is self-forgiveness and self-compassion. A meta-analysis of research studies found that self-forgiveness correlated with physical and mental health. As part of a study on self-compassion, researchers studied the effects of two short-term self-compassion exercises on mood and psychophysiological responses. The researcher concluded that self-compassion reduces negative self-bias, activates a calm state of mind, and creates the ability to self-soothe.
“When the true self becomes clearer to you, and it will for most of you, you will have grounded your spirituality in its first and most fundamental task, and you will have hired the best counseling service possible.” Richard Rohr
Self-love is essential; we are often too hard on ourselves without it. A harsh mental environment will never allow us to heal. It is like planting tomato seeds on rocky ground. The seeds will not take root and grow. They need good soil. Kindness towards ourselves is the good soil we need while recovering from the effects of trauma.
Deeper healing from childhood trauma happens when we operate from a place of self-love and self-compassion. We can begin to have patience with ourselves and not get upset that our recovery does not happen as quickly as we want. We also have more love, compassion, and patience for others.
One way to cultivate self-love is with affirmations, or statements you repeat. Researchers from the University of Pennsylvania found that reciting affirmations has positive effects on the brain. One of my favorite tapping affirmations is, I am enough. I say it frequently, particularly when self-disparaging thoughts come.
Tapping, or emotional freedom technique, is something I discovered while huddled in my house during the beginning of lockdown, with severe anxiety causing my heart to frequently race. Desperately, I looked for a way to lessen it. I stumbled upon The Tapping Solution app. The first time I tapped, my heart stopped racing. I knew I had found a tool that would help me recover from childhood trauma.
Tapping helped me discover more about myself. While doing tapping meditation on The Tapping Solution app titled, You Are Enough, I realized the negative thoughts about myself came from a feeling of not being enough. I spent eight days tapping on that issue. While my feelings of not being enough still existed, they were not quite as intense. Self-love and self-compassion began. I began feeling love for myself after a year of tapping. I found I like my own company. I enjoyed my time of tapping and meditation because I discovered more about myself.
Do you beat yourself up? Are you harder on yourself than you would ever be on others? Take a step today towards self-love and self-compassion. Begin by simply saying, “I am enough” while tapping on each acupressure point found on The Tapping Solution website. Tap seven or eight times on each acupressure point before moving on. After you tap on each point, take a deep breath. Try doing this every morning and see if you do not start feeling better about yourself.
Immortal Diamond by Richard Rohr
The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown
Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
Intimacy With God: An Introduction to Centering Prayer by Thomas Keating
The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat Up, and Burnt Out by Brennan Manning
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