Quit waiting for permission

Hey,

I thought I’d celebrate some good news with you.

This is not good news of the, “I’ve just had a poem win an award / my book picked up by a major publisher / I’ve won a place on a writing residency” type. Ooh I do like those types though. Always here for these please Universe.

This is good news of the, “I’ve had enough of waiting for permission, hanging around, asking politely (and quietly), trying aimlessly, accepting ‘no’ too easily, waiting some more, giving up” variety.

And today (it might just be today hence why I am striking while the iron is hot to write to you) the latter feels equally as juicy.

There’s an analogy I can’t stop thinking about. My daughter plays football. She is FAST. Normally one of the fastest on the pitch. And she can score the goals. Her problem is rarely skill, it’s a…politeness. Of sorts. Oh she knows how to tackle. In the garden with her siblings she is fierce. But sometimes, when in a competitive situation, I can see how she holds back. She won’t be first to the ball, even though she could easily be first to the ball. She is hesitant and a bit self-conscious and doesn’t just go for it.

And of course, there I am, trying to encourage her to believe in herself. Wanting her to run the fastest I know she can. Trying to remind her that she isn’t just getting that ball for herself, she’s running at that ball for her team. Wanting her to embrace her competitiveness, be hungry for the ball, and see that when one person raises their game, everyone on that pitch has to raise their game. Understand that she can only do HER best on the day - play fairly and freely and have fun. Focus on what she can control. There I am, harping on with all this great sounding stuff and at the same time…doing the exact opposite myself. Damn it.

So today, after re-editing the poetry book I finished months ago for the eightieth time, I decided I wanted this book published hard enough to do it myself. I want the ball book enough. I decided that the themes in this book (peri-menopause, female desire in midlife, body image, female friendship, women becoming the main character in their own lives) - they are too relevant right now to ignore. These are themes I don’t feel are written about often enough and I believe they should be. I believe in this book wholeheartedly. To leave it on my laptop forever (or even for another few years while I keep looking for submission opportunities) just feels wrong. That’s not why I wrote it.

There’s a brilliant Amie McNee quote about how when you decide not to share your art you take away the opportunity for other people to benefit from your art. Or something like that. More succinct, probably. She shares many great quotes.

I care about the meaning of these poems, that’s why I’ve put so much energy into writing them. If someone else had written these poems and told me this story I’d be like, “JUST PUBLISH THE BOOK” and instead of taking my own advice I’ve been tootling around saying things like, “I might wait until xxx publisher opens again for submissions in 2026”. You know because there’s a 1% chance they might want to publish it. Or, “Is there any point in self-publishing because second books tend not to do as well (erm..) and it will probably just be a whole ton of work to make like £100.” I’d now start saying something about it not being about the money but that would be a lie too. I do need to make some money, and why shouldn’t I. All these absolute charlatans with their AI generated slop (isn’t ‘slop’ a good word) and I’m worried about asking for a few quid for the book that took me the best part of three years to write. Wow, I’m on a roll today. And also, it isn’t just about the money. If it was JUST about the money there would be easier ways, to be fair. I’ve got something I want to say but for a good while now I’ve found myself holding back. Feeling a bit like a boring middle aged woman with four kids, a foggy brain and a feeling of irrelevance I just can’t shake.

No, enough of this. Enough of this holding back. I see it too regularly, and far too often with women.

And now I’ve made the decision, it feels GOOD. Who knew that just making a decision could bring on the endorphins (to be fair it’s also a good time in my cycle, if I’m sending you sad love poems in a week you’ll know, right). I know the process will be tricky and boring sometimes and awkward even more times and push me right out of my comfort zone. I know this because I did it with my first book. I know what I’m heading into.

And don’t get me wrong, I recognise the privilege I have in even being able to make this decision. I have been saving up the money to pay for some editing (my attention to detail is not a strength) and I have the time to figure out designing a front cover and the formatting (shudders). I work for myself, I work flexibly and my kids have food on the table. But that is even more of a reason to do it. To have some privilege and be squandering it is not great.

It’s a bit sweary, it’s very honest. I want it to feel hopeful as well as urgent. It’s about what women want, which I think I can sum up as, not to be told what women want. It ends with a ‘self manifesto’ or ‘midlife manifesto’ which I’m really proud of.

I don’t know how long it will take before I have a copy of this book in my hands but I’m proud of myself for taking a small step today. And that’s what I wanted to write to you about. Seriously, I’ve know what this small step needed to be for a while. My ego was not enjoying the narrative of ‘not being chosen’. My teenage self was looking for validation in the form of someone marking my work and giving it a gold star (embarrassingly true). My scarcity minded self was piling on pressure about risks, losing money, no-one buying it, wasting time, everyone hating it, the list goes on. Whether it’s about writing a book, or going for that interview, or publishing that Substack post (the one you REALLY wanted to publish), or signing up for the workshop. I’ve realised that not making the decision IS actually a decision. And feeling like YOU’VE made the decision is pretty empowering in itself.

I could write you fifty Substack posts on reasons why I shouldn’t push myself to run the fastest I can run (we’re back on that football analogy). Hang on to find a publisher. Do some more editing (my favourite). But gatekeeping is seriously problematic. Self-doubt is a right fucker. And opportunities for self-publishing really are just that - they didn’t exist in the past. Might as well crack on.

Two types of good news: the one that feels like a cherry on the cake, and the one that says I’m not gonna keep sitting here waiting for someone to tell me I’m allowed the damn cake. And I don’t even care for cherries. Aim for both I say. One tends to be a little more flighty than the other.

But just making the decision, well that also works wonders.

Nelly xxx

P.s Don’t get me wrong I’m now paranoid about even sending this post out for sounding ‘too big for my boots’ - I mean, what the hell do I know?! Gonna do it now quickly before changing my mind. A bit like sending those emails earlier.

P.P.s Below is a poem from the new book, out who-knows-when, which I think captures my mood today.

P.P.P.s This makes a good writing prompt actually. Make your title, “You’re not ______” and then start with, “Oh but I think you’ll find I am…” Take it from there and write your ragey heart out.

“You’re not the main character,”
Oh but I think you’ll find I am. I spent too long in high school waiting for the parts to be given out, keeping my head down, not being picked for teams and now my standing ovation is in my (eco-friendly) tote bag, my own impressive write-up (you should read what I’ve said about myself!) is pretty much guaranteed.
I’ve decided that my audition (for the part of myself) ended yesterday. My warm-up act is about to get a final hip, hip, hurray. My typecasting into the role of ‘motherly-figure’ is taking a rain check for the encore, that bouquet in my dressing room for ‘best understudy’ will be left alongside my, ‘not good enoughs’ at stage door.
Yep, that’ll be me, sashaying my greys straight into main character age (now available upwards of 44, I don’t know whether you heard), oh and you should probably also know that this new adaptation of the show features so many other leading ladies,
so many other leading ladies that the critics will finally be lost for words.