I'm weary and overweight

Hi Philippa

I am hoping you and your wise commenters can offer me some perspective on this. I am a woman in her early 60s. I am happily married with one son with whom I have a very good relationship. I have good friends. They would describe me as fun, thoughtful, kind and also hyper-independent.

I have been self-employed for decades and have written several technical books. I am the eldest of three and grew up with a volatile father. He had his good points. I have inherited a good work ethic and a commitment to honouring my promises which has served me well. Dealing with his volatility has taught me how to read a room and his inability to explain anything has made me a very good instructor. I also got very good at using humour to deflect. My mother was kind, loving and did her very best. My childhood would have been very different if it hadn’t been for her. I have the Eldest Daughter traits of reliability, being conscientious, showing up and stepping up. These have also served me very well.

However what I am struggling with is this: as I move into my later midlife, I have started exploring other projects - such as creative writing and drawing. I want to be skillful and competent at both. However I also know that to be good at anything takes discipline, regular showing up, things not working, disappointment at the reality vs the dream and I feel weary of that. I feel drawn to do them but another part of me resents the work and discipline involved.

I also have a problem with my weight. I have been overweight since my teens and my efforts to lose the weight have boomeranged every time. I am now heavier than I have ever been. I know it is not helped by my junk food habit. I have a weird relationship with sugar. I feel as though it is the one thing in my life that requires no give and take. I can eat the sugar and I don’t have to do anything in return for it. I am considering going on Ozempic but part of me feels terrified that I will lose the thing that sugar gives me and then what? I feel conflicted. Part of me tells me I have to lose the weight so my last chapter can be healthy. Another part of me tells me that losing the weight will mean I will be less/smaller. Another part of me feels as though part of my identity will be changed if I lose the weight. I feel resentful of the people who describe fat people as lazy and undisciplined when I am rather good at getting s*** done. My husband (who can eat what he wants and not gain weight) is not really a help with this. It is as if the good stuff in my life is in pastel shades and FAT thing is in large glo colour capital letters.

So basically I feel stuck. I have been to counselling but I did not find the experience particularly helpful. This was with two separate people. I suppose what I am asking for is your wise perspective on this and also the viewpoints of your commenters.

Thank you

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