Joining secret underground network of world’s adolescents to pick a 2026-27 catchphrase more annoying than last year’s “6–7.”
After a summer of reading and thoughtful contemplation of life’s mysteries, kids break down and watch TikTok videos for 176.8 consecutive hours.
Kids get all those curse words and racial slurs out of their system at the BigXthaPlug State Fair Grandstand concert before returning to the usually demure language of their harmonious learning environment.
Three more days to attempt serious bodily injury on minibikes.
Think, pair, share excuses to visit the restroom or nurse’s office over the school group chat.
FINNEY’S 5 is an occasional humor column by exiled newspaperman Daniel P. Finney that is not meant to be taken seriously. If you did, stop it. Sine sale, gravis nimis.
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