It is that time of year when we become reflective, hopeful, and charged up for a new beginning. We are all ready to tear away the page of last year and start a new year with a new day tomorrow. We have even quietly negotiated with ourselves about what we will do differently and how we will be different. We have done all this during the in between moments of exhaustion of work and home responsibilities, grief, unfinished business, and unhealed, even unidentified, patterns of the year behind us.
So, why is sustainable change so hard? The desire for change is healthy. The issue is how we have been conditioned to believe it happens. We continue to be consistently taught that personal development is sparked by motivation, sealed by intention, and accelerated by the right program, book, charismatic leader, created moment, or curated connections. We confuse feelings of emotional intensity and inspiration with sustainable transformation and integration. The danger of a downward spiral can follow when the temporary elation fades because we make the assumption that we have somehow failed, that we chose the wrong path, or did something wrong.
The truth is that real growth does not arrive like fireworks, where we light a match and it just happens bright, loud, and audacious. It happens with quiet dedication that is repeatedly practiced, even when uncomfortable or inconvenient.
Why This Matters Right Now
So, why is it important for us to discuss this right now? This matters because so many people are entering the new year already tired and stressed from the past year. We have been exploring the reasons why and how to deal with these in past articles. We understand that we have been navigating uncertainty, pressure, emotional overload, and the constant expectation to adapt without the opportunities to restore, rest, and rejuvenate. Well of course it makes sense that in contrast to these conditions, anything that offers the promise of fast transformation becomes incredibly attractive but may not necessarily be the best option for sustainable, healthy change.
You know what I am talking about. We see it everywhere, especially this time of year. The next challenge that guarantees a new mindset in thirty days. The leader who speaks beautifully about growth while skipping the reality of daily practice and how hard it can be. None of this may seem inherently harmful, but it has become problematic since it continues to teach to expect results without responsibility, consistency, and challenges. There is also potential to do harm that not many people think about or consider and actually takes place in real time during events that cover sensitive topics like mental health, relationships, grief, trauma and more. For example, the retreat that promises healing with no mention of discomfort or immediate available resources to support you or address it if it arises. Or speakers that share anecdotal or meant-to-be inspirational stories that contain triggering elements. I have seen how this has caused unexpected reactions in audience members that planners and organizers are not prepared to respond to. So, before making choices about how and where to invest your time, energy, and money, take into consideration the kind of change you are willing to commit to and vet any programs, leaders, and experiences for the quality and credibility of knowledge and services provided.
Feelings can also come up when one does not achieve or sustain the outcomes we were hoping for. I hear about this from clients who describe past couples therapy sessions where the relationship ended despite the effort of attending a few sessions to remedy years of accumulative disconnection. I witness this in organizations and leaders that provide and attend powerful trainings or conferences where employees feel energized and motivated for a week only to return to the same systems and processes that reward burnout while naming it commitment.
We need to understand that personal and professional development are not just made up of moments. They are relationships that require consistency, patience, and honesty. They are also interrelated because we don’t just develop one or the other. When we become better in one aspect of ourselves, we also impact the other. We grow and find ways to integrate the learning in the whole aspect of our lives.
Humanizing the Work of Becoming and Change
Humanizing growth starts with letting go of the idea of feeling good and comfortable throughout the process. Change often feels awkward, slow, and can even be disappointing at first. Think about learning a new language, rebuilding trust, or changing how you respond under stress. These can all be difficult for so many reasons and in different ways for different people. There is no single breakthrough that completes the process of change for anyone. There are hundreds of small decisions that we make made on ordinary days when no one else is watching that help us keep moving in the direction of the desired change.
As a therapist, I often have people deciding to take better care of their mental health in the upcoming year. The first session feels hopeful and filled with curiosity. The second session may feel a little more inconvenient as this is being added to regular schedules and other commitments. By the third session, there is a deeper dive where old patterns may begin to whisper and feel uncomfortable. This is usually where people stop because it is easier to label it unnecessary. But a humanized lens recognizes that this is where the work actually begins.
Another example is how we recognize quality in our relationships. Real connection and strong foundations are built during the repeated process of repairing and restoring, not avoiding conflict. It is in the acts of choosing to listen when it would be easier to withdraw and learning to pause instead of reacting. It is in the commitment to learning and practicing new language even when it feels unnatural and uncomfortable, asking for do-overs when needed. These are pivotable moments that lead transformation by developing and practicing new patterns.
As this year turns over, consider a different kind of intention. Instead of focusing on what you want to achieve, ask what practices are going to move towards who you want to be. What is one small, repeatable action that supports the life you want to live? Consistency does not mean doing everything. It means doing something, over and over, with awareness and intention.
Tonight does not need to hold pressure of a complete transformation. It can be held in honesty. You are not going to reinvent yourself by morning and you don’t need to. You only need to commit to showing up tomorrow with a little more curiosity and intention to put into practice one small, repeatable action that breathes life into your vision.
HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM PAIN TO POSSIBILITIES®!!
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