BHIF: Scientists Declare: "Big Nose, Big Hose..."

Welcome to BHIF for Friday July 10th, 2026. Baruch Hashem (Thank God) It’s Friday is The Old Jewish Men weekly roundup where we get to all the crap that actually matters in the world. Obituary winners. Matchmaking. Market watch. Marketplace finds. Complaint of the week. Joke of the week. You get the picture.

ABOVE^ readers of this newsletter and The Old Jewish Men’s Guide to Eating, Sleeping and Futzing Around have asked: WHO IS THIS MAN? And how did he achieve such an even tan? Is he is based on someone specific? Well, yes he is. And he was drawn by Dick Carroll

But who is he? Carroll’s uncle? Rinsky’s dead relative? A crustier Ben Kingsley? Ben Bernanke?

Perhaps you recently made an oil discovery? Speculated rare earth minerals in Kazakhstan or robbed a jewelry store. Consider supporting the Old Jewish Men “cause.” Remember, we won’t steal your data because we don’t know how.

BHIF readers raised over a thousand dollars last week for a Japanese sento (bathhouse) in Japan. We’re happy to help the OJM’s on the other side of the world: Old Japanese Men (and women)

We’ll be donating a percent of that to them. Remember, zero is a percent!

To learn more read the caption below.

What is the most significant gentile tell?

A tell, in poker, is a change in a player’s behavior or body language that gives away clues about the strength of their hand.

How many Jewish people have you met that are over 6 3’? Perhaps a fair amount. In fact, there’s plenty of tall Jews out there, and most of them played center at Brandeis. AND there’s plenty of Jews with thick blonde hair. BUT, you don’t see the two together very often. That’s the tell. You don’t see many Yids who look like they moisturize with glacier run off.

Our underpaid team of OJM phrenologists are on the case. Either way, welcome to the club, Erling.

BREAKING SCHNOOOOZ! Japanese scientists measured 126 cadaver noses and schmekels and confirmed what every yenta at the bathhouse has been saying since 1962: the beak don't lie. r=0.564, p<0.0001 … numbers so strong even Izzy Borman’s accountant would call it a sure thing.

OJM solars. Protection, comfort, style.

Complaint of the Week: Our weekly complaint columnist, Leecy Davis (she always has something to bitch about, next week she goes back to her regular diet of 100 words or less)

I’ve done the ultimate any Jewish kid can do — I’ve managed to get my mother to live in another country. We still share a continent but she has a border, she must cross, if she wants to see me. I thought that would be enough, that I’d be free of her, but she’s here constantly. I got rid of her, just to not be able to get rid of her, because eight hours apart is a horror and now she has to be here physically as much as possible so she doesn’t “die of loneliness”. Or whatever guilt trip she cooks up when cornered. I'm annoyed.

→ Joke of the Week (Larry David)

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.

→ Wisdom of the Week (George Carlin)

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

→ Ask the (Eastern Standard Time) Rabbi

8:07pm: Shabbat begins (i’m not going to shul tn)

Sat March 14th

9:12pm: Shabbat ends (more lemon cake next time)