Once again, I’ve come up with a surefire way to make a fortune. And in the interests of reducing the polarization that has gripped our country I am graciously going to share it with everyone.
My brilliant idea is fairly simple---I’ll be suing the companies that make robocalls.
This all began when I received my seventh robocall of the day last week. It was a local number, so I answered in case it was a doctor’s office or someone else I might want to talk to.
This time it was indeed an actual person on the phone, or so I thought. She called me by my first name, and we conversed for a couple of sentences before I realized she was an AI generated robot. I don’t think she was offended when I hung up on her.
“WHY AREN’T THERE LAWS PROHIBITING THESE CALLS??!!” I cried to my wife, who happened to be sitting next to me. “Some politician could become a national hero if he or she put a stop to these calls.”
Like everyone else, she gets her daily share of junk calls. We both agreed we’d vote for Attila the Hun if he could eliminate spam calls once and for all.
Intrigued, I did a little research and apparently any current politician who wants to outlaw these calls is about 35 years too late. The Telephone Consumer Protection Act (TCPA) was passed by Congress in 1991 and signed into law by President George H.W. Bush, my new hero. Or he would have been my hero if it had worked.
Obviously, it didn’t. Or at least it didn’t until citizens like me stepped up and started suing these companies and making fortunes.
The TCPA allows for a $500 penalty, payable to consumers, for negligent calls and a whopping $1500 per call for each “willful/knowing” call. Since I’m pretty sure the robot that called me and prompted my investigation was very willing, I began counting my riches.
“With an average of about seven calls per day at $1500 each, that’s $7500 per day I can collect,” I enthused to my wife. “We’re going to be rich!!”
She wasn’t impressed, as usual. “And how do you propose finding the actual identities of these companies?”
“I looked it up. There are ways to trace the calls. Websites like Truecaller or Sync.me can find them, or you can press *57 to initiate a trace. These companies won’t know what hit them.”
She continued to be dubious. “You do realize most of these calls come from overseas call centers. It might be difficult to sue them.”
“I never said it would be easy,” I replied. “We litigants have to put the time in. According to the TCPA, I start with logging the dates and times of the calls, save any voicemails and note the caller’s identity. Then I hire a lawyer and wait for the cash to roll in.”
I could see that she was starting to visualize dollar signs. “Has anyone actually been successful suing these companies?” she asked.
“I’m glad you asked and the answer is a resounding yes. Some guy in Texas has made over $100,000 suing telemarketers. And major corporations, including banks and retailers, have paid out settlements ranging from $10 million to over $30 million in class action suits.
“So why are the robocalls and telemarketers still in business?”
“Because there aren’t enough malicious, vindictive, litigious people like me out there. I just registered my phone on the national Do Not Call Registry, which took about 30 seconds. It was established in 2003 and stops legitimate telemarketers who follow the rules from calling me. Unfortunately, there are very few of them. But it’s the first step in becoming a litigant. If the illegitimate ones call me now, which they will, they’re toast.”
Just then my phone rang. It was a number from Louisville, Kentucky, obviously spam. I answered it and immediately told the robot the call was costing them $1500. I invited them to call me again for another $1500 as I was logging all the calls and would then be suing them. I then hung up, satisfied.
I didn’t bother trying to trace the call, though. Upon further thought, I figured serving a subpoena in India or the Philippines might prove difficult. It just felt good to threaten the robot with financial ruin. No fortune for me, but a small victory.
Contact Nick at nickhoppe61@gmail.com. For archived columns, visit www.hoppecolumns.com
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