Well, apparently I’m officially old. I bought a new car, and it’s a Lincoln.
“Why didn’t you just go all out and buy a Cadillac and really show your age,” said my little snot of a son when I showed him my sweet new ride. “Or maybe a Buick sedan.”
It’s probably true that you’ll never see anyone under 60 driving a Lincoln. When I always thought of Lincolns, it was an old geezer driving a Lincoln Continental the size of a cruise ship, only rivaled by the Cadillac with the fins. Not exactly a car for youngsters.
“It’s good to know you’re not having a mid-life crisis,” my wife said when she got her chance to see what I’d bought. “I might have worried if you’d come home with a Ferrari.”
That wasn’t going to happen for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was fitting into it without serious bodily complications.
So now I’m a Lincoln owner. Why a Lincoln? Because my beloved 2020 Ford Edge had serious miles on it and was showing its age, just like its owner. Maybe having the “Check Engine” light on for two years without doing anything about it had something to do with it.
Since Ford discontinued the Edge model in 2024, I was forced to turn to Lincoln for its version of the Edge. That’s because only Ford and Lincoln/Mercury have the patent for the door code to allow me or my wife or anyone who knows the code to get into the car without a key.
It sounds sad to say, but the fact is that I can’t live without it. I’ve declared it one of the great inventions of our time. I know all the fancy new Teslas and many other models can be opened with your phone, but that’s not enough. I need keyless AND phoneless entry.
Because of this pathetic little personality disorder, I’ve been forced to drive nothing but Fords for the last 30 years. And now with the Ford Edge in the history books, I’ve been relegated to move on to old man Lincolns.
“Want to go for a Sunday drive?” I asked my wife after I’d had my new Lincoln for a week. “That’s what my grandparents did with their Plymouth sedan when they got old.”
“I’d rather die,” she replied.
That wasn’t nice. I was determined to show her all the bells and whistles that came with my new ride. It’s amazing how much the technology has advanced in the five years since I had bought my Ford Edge.
I finally got the chance to show her when we had to drive an hour away from home for an event last Saturday. After I used the door code to seamlessly unlock all the doors, she climbed in.
“So what’s this old geezer car got?” she purred. “Show me its bones.”
I had figured out most of the radio details, but not all. And the climate control was still a blur. It had more buttons than an F-15. The good news was that I was discovering a new gadget almost every day. And each time I figured something out, I felt a little younger.
I couldn’t wait to show her my latest discovery. “Hey Google, who was the 16th President of the United States,” I blurted as soon as I turned on the engine.
The answer came spilling out of the radio, and sure enough, it got it right, naming its namesake, Lincoln. My wife was dutifully impressed, although she had a hard time showing it.
“It’s all voice control,” I boasted. “I can manage almost everything by just saying, “Hey Google.’” Information, navigation, phones, texts, whatever you want. I feel like one of our children.”
“Impressive,” she replied. “Except you’re still driving a Lincoln, old man.”
Luckily, I still had my ace in the hole to show her I was young and carefree. I gunned the old girl (the car) onto the freeway and quickly turned on the BlueCruise Hands-Free Technology. I then let the steering wheel go and grabbed my wife with both hands and pulled her towards me while keeping my eyes on the road, as required.
I could tell by her screams that she was already seeing me in a much younger light.
Contact Nick at nickhoppe61@gmail.com. For archived issues, visit www.hoppecolumns.com
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