Stinky San Quentin and Acid Burn Angola

The prestige gained by Florida for its Alligator Alcatraz detention facility has ignited a competition among red states—to see which one can provide the most creatively dehumanizing and dangerous detainee experience. NewsVac has learned that the Department of Homeland Security will soon announce a number of new detention facilities that aim to punish the “free-riding, parasitic illegals” already in the country, and also discourage others like them from coming to the US. Our ICE insider has leaked draft descriptions of some of the new sites, which we are sharing here. Final descriptions will be released to the media on the day DHS announces the facility openings.

Soon to open:

-Stinky San Quentin (Nevada). Located in the center of Apex Regional Landfill, the largest garbage dump in the world. The stench will knock out many inmates, and they will sleep more-or-less peacefully until they are deported. Hyperactive pharyngeal reflex (nonstop gagging) will exhaust a good percentage of the remaining detainee population, leaving them weak and compliant. Detainees with plans to tunnel out of Stinky San Quentin will be discouraged by randomly oriented, densely packed layers of filth, teeming with pathogens. Anyone who should escape will face scavenging bears and coyotes, as well as armies of flies and cockroaches. The merciless desert awaits any escapee who hasn’t died or surrendered before reaching the landfill’s perimeter.

-Frostbite Folsom (North Dakota). Located in abandoned, rodent infested Cold War-era missile silos at Minot Air Force Base. The winters are COLD—and almost endless. In the handful of warm weeks that make up spring and summer at Frostbite Folsom, drone-sized mosquitoes will transform detainees into desiccated husks. The detention facility is situated so that most escape routes would take detainees across runways and taxiways—where they’ll be treated to a spritz of exhaust fumes and de-icing fluid just before they are blown into Canada by the jet blast of a B-52 Stratofortress.

-Acid Burn Angola (Wyoming). Located on a purpose-built island in the middle of Sour Lake in Yellowstone National Park. Swimming in this water has been compared to taking a bath in battery acid. Escapees will be easily spotted by the weeping lesions covering their body and the steam cloud of sulfur surrounding them. Park visitors can view the site from an observation platform on the lake’s shore and yes, photography is permitted! Yellowstone is a popular filming location, and opportunities may arise for detainees to work as acting extras—which will earn them points towards a legitimate US work visa. This month, extras will be needed for scenes in the disaster film AVALANCHE!: No Survivors. Next month, the extreme sports show, Think You’re Fast? will be visiting Yellowstone. The show needs participants in the bison, bear, and wolf racing events.

NewVac will keep readers posted on any more detention facility openings.