Revealed: Old Man in Cracker Barrel's Former Logo Is a Democrat

An unnamed food and beverage industry lobbyist has a shocking new take on Cracker Barrel’s new—and hotly debated—logo. NewsVac’s insider has told us that the man depicted in the restaurant chain’s old logo—who is affectionately known as Uncle Herschel—suddenly walked off the job last week. He was heard saying “I ain’t doin’ this no more. Also, I’m a Democrat, y’all.”

The incident kicked off a frantic, time-crunched effort for Cracker Barrel to find a new look. The company spoke of Uncle Herschel as “disgruntled,” and possibly in the early stages of dementia. They also suggested that the old man vandalized the logo. Uncle Herschel took to social media to refute these claims and also to say, “I ain’t got nothin’ agin Cracker Barrel, as such. But, the folks who eat there expect me to stand for conservatism and common sense. I wish I could, and I did just that for near fifty years. But conservatism don’t stand for common sense no more—so I’ve hitched my wagon to the Democrats.” He went on to say, “Most folks today who call themselves conservative wouldn’t recognize common sense if it jumped up and gave ‘em a lick upside their egg basket with a creosote post.”

NewsVac caught up with Uncle Herschel to find out how he’s doing and what comes next. Below is an excerpt from our interview. After discussing his plans to find an old secluded general store in a blue state where he could “take a load off and rest my weary soul,” Uncle Herschel spoke about his decision to leave Cracker Barrel. Sudden as it seemed, it was something the old man had been considering for a long time.

Excerpts from an interview with Uncle Herschel, formerly of Cracker Barrel

I used to spend my days in an old country store, easin’ back in a chair and proppin’ up a cracker barrel. Mostly I’d jaw ‘bout the weather with some other old coots, and spit terbacky juice on a hot iron stove.

Well now, let me tell ya somethin’—I ain’t nowheres near as worthless as appearances might suggest. Me and the fellas, we was the guardians of common sense. “Cracker barrel philosophers,” we was. You can look that up if ya need to.

We didn’t agree on ever-thing. Who does? But nobody’d ever try to sell you on a notion that wasn’t shored up with solid reasoning and argumentation. Round ‘bout 2016 or so, I began hearin’ some stuff from a few of the fellas that was interestin’ in a surprisin’ kinda way—but it wasn’t what you’d call common sense. “Well, that’s colorful and all,” I’d say, to my own self.

2020 comes along. The good old thinkers like Thomas Reid or G. E. Moore are out the window. Now it’s Ben Shapiro this, and Matt Walsh that from my buddies. I began to hear more suppressed correlatives and modal scope fallacies in a day than I once heard in a month. “Doin’ our own research,” some of the fellas called it. But, just try and point out when something didn’t add up, and it was “Katie bar the door!” The fellas just wouldn’t have it. Might tetchy, they’d become. Seemed like if certain people said it, then it just had to be true—even if it made about as much sense as tits on a bull.

I was gettin’ mightily discouraged. Still, I hung in there. Then 2025 rolls around, and now the fellas are totin’ their guns to the store everyday. They won’t drink the coffee if it’s too “woke.” Also, the fellas finish up just about everything they say with, “It’s just common sense.” That’s like tellin’ a joke and then saying it’s funny. If ya gotta come right out and say something is funny—or commonsensical—then it ain’t. A few days ago I tried, nicely as you please, to show one of them boys that they had just affirmed a disjunct. He called me a retard.

So, I up and left. Partnered with the Democrats, too. Now—all that mess ‘bout vandalizing the Cracker Barrel logo. When I stood up to leave, I ‘bout took a spill. Tipped the barrel over and hit the sign. Sent my chair flying. I sat in that chair for decades, you know—with my legs crossed. It ain’t easy to stand up when one of yer legs has been asleep since 2004. I don’t do graffiti; I whittle tiny squirrels and birds out of wood and give ‘em away to kids. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Cracker Barrell was behind it to get back at me for all the trouble I’ve brought on ‘em.

I’m kinda sad. What I do is a callin’ of sorts, and a long family tradition. Through the generations, I’ve had grandfathers, uncles, and cousins holdin’ court by the woodstove in some store—bein’ all folksy and Socratic. I’ve had Democrats in my family before, but not too many since the1980s. We just may be swingin’ back in that direction.