When something doesn’t feel quite right in a relationship, it can be easy to look at the other person and focus on what they are or aren’t doing, but sometimes it’s not about them. If we’re in relationships where we’re not getting what we want, we may need to take a step back and ask ourselves some questions. Are we showing up in a way that is fruitful for the relationship? Are our expectations of the people we’re in relationship with unrealistic or even unfair?
In relationships different people offer different things, so if we’re feeling a strain on our relationship with someone, it may be that we are asking too much of them. This is why we need to diversify our relationships rather than centering our energy on one, or just a few relationships. When we are not getting what we want or need in one relationship it is important that we have someone else we can call on whether that be a sibling, partner, or another friend.
Here are some signs that you may need more friends:
You do everything with one or two people. There is no variety.
You’re the smartest person in the room, always. There’s no one in your circle who pushes or challenges you.
You never have uncomfortable conversations. The people around you agree with everything you say and you think just alike.
You are having the same conversations all the time.
You’re in a new space in life and you don’t have anyone in your circle who fits the new dynamic that you’re in.
The way that you show up in your relationships doesn’t connect with who you are currently.
You feel disconnected.
We can be hesitant to make new friends because we want what we have to work forever. We don’t want to deal with the reality that some relationships may be best suited for a specific season in our lives, a particular moment in time, or certain situations. When we do realize this, it doesn’t mean we have to leave people behind. We can keep them while also adding new people.
Each of us gets to decide how many friends we want to have. We don’t have to adopt friendship minimalism. Friendships do require energy, so while I am not suggesting that we overextend ourselves, depending on the frequency and intensity of our current relationships, we may find that we have the capacity for more.
There are so many different parts of who we are and it is challenging to have one relationship that can tend to the needs of all those parts. When we diversify our friend group we take the pressure off of one person, or a couple people to be our everything.
How do you feel about making new friends?
Why Love Makes Us Disappointed and Angry, by Moshe Ratson, MBA, MFT in Psychology Today.
What Does ‘Triggered’ Really Mean?, by Melinda Wenner Moyer in The New York Times.
15 Small Ways to Fight Better, According to Couples Therapists in Time.
When Motherhood Feels Like a Punishment, by Dr. Lisa Folden on Substack.
Last week I spoke to Mara Brock Akil about her amazing new book, The Revelation of Dionne Daphne. The setting was the '90s, and the story captured me within the first 10 minutes. Get the book on Amazon or Bookshop. Watch our conversation here.a
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