Remember those emails from earlier this summer where I was maybe a little too transparent about my work/life balance? Whelp, I’m currently in the midst of a crazy freelance gig (think 16 hour days, no weekends, and being stuck on a mini van with 12 people, minimal ac in 90+ degree heat, for 8 days straight shooting a bunch of commercials - I promise it’s not even a fraction as glamorous as you’re thinking right now). Anywho, this week’s tool is going to be short, sweet, and for anyone reading who’s ever weaponized or alternatively rolled their eyes at every female TikTok influencer’s favorite dating phrase: I Don’t Chase, I Attract.
Let’s get into it.
— Holly
Before we get into it: Episode 3 of Hot Girl Propaganda drops today, and it’s what inspired this week’s tool. It also happens to feature one of my all time favorite dating advice lines to hate on. As I suspected, it means completely different things depending on who you ask: self-worth or as one guest put it - "so I just spray out good pheromones and hope someone shows up? what are you, a feral cat?" Go watch, drop a comment to let me know what side of the debate you land on. Then come back for today’s tool to arm yourself with something to take your power back.
THE CONTEXT
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a closet woo woo girlie, and I absolutely subscribe to certain manifestation tips and tricks and rituals. However, I’m also a New Yorker, which means I have an incredibly strong bullshit detector and sense of skepticism about a lot of things. So when I first heard the phrase “I don’t chase, I attract,” a part of me bought it, especially through the lens of my old cool girl ways, that I was trying to shed. I understood that chasing after something that is not choosing you back is a waste of your energy and oftentimes a reflection of low self-worth (something I battled for most of my teens, 20s, and early 30s). BUT when I leaned too much into said phrase, I realized at some point I was just using it as a shield, getting in the way of putting myself out there and actually asking for what I wanted. And taking it a step further, if ALL of us are just sitting pretty, “attracting,” waiting for the other person to approach and chase us, who’s doing the asking? Wouldn’t that equate to everyone ending up alone, staring at each other across the room, at a standoff waiting to be chosen by someone else who’s also waiting to be chosen?
I’m sorry, but fuck that.
The gamification of dating apps, weaponization of our social algorithms, and the tiktokification of our attention spans has done a whole lot of damange to dating culture, and seemingly put an entire generation of us into some weird war of genders and ideologies that continue to push us further and further apart. A big part of this, is the dating phrases that get tossed around on social media, in our group chats, and in our heads to soothe our anxieties, let us off the hook, and demonize other parties instead of giving us the space to actually take a closer look at our patterns, at the intricacies of other people’s behavior, and understand that we are multidimensional humans all on this planet for the first time, and multiple things can be true at once.So, if we continue to lean into phrases that simplify dating and relationships to the point of self-protection that is only going to result in the equivalent of an energetic wall that stops us from ever being vulnerable and putting ourselves out there - which is the only way to be open to and enter a new relationship. Our current dating crisis and gender divide is going to become a black hole and perhaps we really will all just end up with AI robots for partners while we wait for a human to decide to act human again.
Don’t get me wrong, if you read this regularly, you know I am an outspoken proponent of standing in your self-worth. But not to the detriment of using it as a shield that stops you from being vulnerable enough to ask for what you want and need. It’s a huge part of why dating feels so broken right now - everyone is weaponizing their therapy-speak and protecting their peace so hard no one is actually reaching for a living, breathing human to connect with.
THE TOOL
Single, situationship, or married for a decade - we are all susceptible to falling into the trap of using the idea of standing in our self-worth as an excuse to self-protect in a way that ultimately self-sabotages us from getting our needs met. So, with the person you’re currently holding back with - friend, lover, mother, situationship, spouse, the barista who constantly gets your order wrong but intimidates you so much you’re terrified of correcting them - and take a moment to ask yourself why you’re holding back with them.
If you’re holding back because they’ve shown you through their actions that they refuse to meet you, and reaching out or putting yourself out there would mean chasing someone who clearly isn’t reciprocating, then choosing not to pursue them is a boundary and “I don’t chase” is genuinely protecting your peace. You’re good, sis.
If you’re holding back because saying the thing feels scary or you think you’d look desperate, or you’re still playing the game of keeping tabs on who texted last and who will text first, BUT they haven’t don’t anything to show you they’re a no, then that’s a wall. Newsflash, and sorry to say, you aren’t protecting your peace or standing in your worth, you’re self-sabotaging and using it as an excuse from being vulnerable enough to say the thing you want.
A boundary based on self-worth is built on evidence. A wall built from fear results in us abandoning our own needs.
Attracting and asking don’t have to be opposites. Human relationships work when there is reciprocal outreach, otherwise we all just stand there by ourselves waiting for someone to read our minds.
also acceptable: actually saying the thing out loud. to their face :)
THE TAKEAWAY
Don’t fret - I’ve fallen victim to this myself, many times! case in point a recent storytime I shared about the guy who made me cry on my birthday because he ditched me for his future wife. In reality, I probably could have avoided the entire thing if I had actually spoken up and told him what I wanted rather than keeping my mouth shut and playing it cool because that’s what we girls do when we’re “attracting.”
So, before you sit around and wait for someone to read your mind, or write someone off because they aren’t, let’s zoom out for a second - because if all of us keep waiting to be chosen, nobody chooses anybody. And remember - a lot of “they aren’t meeting me” is actually “I never asked them to.”
The cure for this lonely, swipe-exhausted, everyone’s-protecting-their-peace moment in dating history isn’t doing a better job at attracting - it’s people willing to say what they want and need out loud. Let’s all be one of those people.
We’ve got this. I’m rooting for us.
xoxo,
Hollsss
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