We’ve hit the final stretch of summer. August is here, which means a fair amount of you are likely several weeks into something that started as a casual fling and you’re slowly quietly starting to lose your mind over “what are we?”
But before you send the defining text you’ve drafted four times: put the phone down for a second. I think, perhaps, you’re not asking the right question yet.
Let’s get into it.
– Holly
Before we get into it, one quick thing: Episode 1 of Hot Girl Propaganda is officially live. "If They Wanted To, They Would," is up right now, and it's the perfect side piece to today's tool, since it's all about the stories we tell ourselves about what someone's behavior means. Ten(ish) minutes, go watch, comment, subscribe, then come back and we'll figure out your summer fling together.
THE CONTEXT
If you’ve ever had a summer fling, situationship, or will-they-won’t-they flirtationship, here’s the typical sequence we run into, and newsflash, it’s actually backwards.
You meet someone, the first two weeks are electric, you’re wondering “am I basically in love?” and then… PANIC. What is this? What are we? Do I actually know this person? Where is it going? Do they feel the same way? You start playing out the convo in your head, projecting every possible scenario, writing and re-writing the script that’s perfect amounts non-chalant and forcing an answer to Define The Thing, because the non-knowing is becoming more unbearable by the day, and the fact that we’ve hit August makes everyone feel like the clock is running out.
The rush to define it might seem like it’s driven by your feelings for them and a desire to lock things in before cuffing season kicks off. In reality, 9 times out of 10, it’s actually about your own discomfort with an open loop, and your ego desperately needing to be chosen. It’s all summer itself. Something about the the season, the fleetingness of it, that back-to-school clock still ticking in us even as adults, makes a fling feel like it has a deadline.
But underneath it all, the truth is, you likely haven’t even taken a beat to evaluate whether you like this person aside from the dopamine and serotonin flooding your brain as a result of your pheromones being a match. You know you like how it feels when you’re with them, but that’s not the same as liking the human themselves. And at three weeks, you likely can’t tell the two apart, because there’s little to no real data. So trying to define anything would be like locking down a verdict on someone you haven’t finished meeting.
Think about it. How many times have you witnessed a friend wrapped up in a new fling, they’re in their love bubble for two weeks, sending the group chat texts that they think this could be the one. Then infatuation calms a bit, and they realize… he’s kind of actually annoying… or slightly douchey…. or exhibiting manchild qualities. The sex is great though. So, good thing they didn’t have the “what are we” convo yet, because now they can just enjoy it for what it is. And instead of viewing the connection as a failure, giving things time and space to play out ends up giving you the clarity you need. Let the fling do its job, which is to show you who the person is once the fireworks start to calm down.
Think of the fling as the evaluation period. If you let yourself stay in just a little bit longer, on purpose, intentionally, eyes open, it’s how you find out the answer to the thing you’ve been circling in your head for way too long.
THE TOOL
Before you give yourself the big pep talk for the “what are we” conversation, I need you to answer one very important question first: do you actually like this person, or do you just like not being alone?
These might feel like the same question when you’re in the thick of something new. Especially when you’ve been single for a while and the rush of meeting someone with mutual attraction mixed with the hopefulness of the summer has your brain in a haze of chemical romance.
So, here’s a gut check for you, to get you back to reality. Don’t overthink it, just go with whatever answer comes first:
When something good or bad happens in your day, are they the person you want to tell? Or is it just fodder to keep the next conversation going when you see them?
If the sex stopped tomorrow, would you still want to have dinner/breakfast/coffee with them?
Can you name three things you actually like about who they are? Their personality, their quirks, how they show up in the world. (Not how they look, not how they make you feel. Who they are as a full human.)
When you picture them with someone else, is it heartbreak over losing the person, or is it upset that you’d lose a warm body next to you at night?
The test underneath all the bullets really comes down to stripping away the being-chosen, the summer-fling-status, the baked-in activity partner that isn’t your dog or your sister or your married bff. If it was just you and them in a room, is that where you want to be? If yes, fantastic. You like them. Have the conversation.
If you’re not sure, that’s not a no, it’s a not-yet. Continuing with the undefined fling is how you get to clarity. and the fling is how you find out. Stay in it. Stop interrogating it. Let October answer.
also acceptable form of tip: buying the person at the counter one. because we practice what we preach around here :)
THE TAKEAWAY
The most useful thing you can do in August is give yourself permission to NOT know yet.
At the end of the day, lot of the “what are we” panic isn’t about them at all. Because the truth is, if they aren’t on the same page about what your connction is, then it ain’t the right connection for you. The anxiety is usually more about the fear of being single again, starting over, back at square one looking for someone to couple up with. It’s waking up alone on a Sunday, cooking a meal for one, and missing the rush of a crush who reciprocates. It’s the specific ache of having someone to text goodnight and not wanting to give that up, even if the someone is, let’s be honest, kind of whatever.
That’s wanting to be wanted. And wanting to be wanted is human and normal and what keeps us in the game of dating until we find the mutual wanting. But it’s not the same as wanting them, and if you stick yourself to the fling that fulfills a few needs, but not the major ones, then you’ll wake up in October attached to a person you realize you don’t even really like. You just like the part where you didn’t have to wake up alone.
You’ve got this. I’m rooting for us.
xoxo,
Holly
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