https://eatingdisordersanonymous.org
Prompt 1: from Reflections on Recovery, Nov 24, p 343
Step Eleven recommends that we listen when we pray.
… Praying as described in Step Eleven helps me listen for guidance from within.
The thing about praying when it comes to dealing with my eating disorder is I really don’t. I’m not telling anyone else what to do or how they should think, or saying that my way is the only right way. I find acerbic atheists equally as obnoxious as zealous fundamentalists.
I honestly don’t know what the truth is about higher powers or lack thereof. I only know that I should try not to make things worse for my fellow travelers while I’m here in the material realm and that I should strive to leave things somewhat better than I found them if possible.
My recovery is not like anyone else’s. Although most people in recovery share common ground, we are not all the same. What works for me probably won’t work for someone else.
I’ve found that taking a Buddhist approach seems to work best for me regarding recovery as a whole. Regarding the eating disorder and body image issues, what I like about Eating Disorders Anonymous is that it’s similar to intuitive eating in its approach. I’ve been practicing intuitive eating for about ten years now.
As I’ve said before, my behaviors around food are not particularly problematic most of the time. What I am trying to unpack are the issues that led to my developing disordered eating in the first place. These feelings of self-loathing and shame formed decades ago and have never been addressed.
Prompt 2: from Reflections on Recovery, Nov 28, p 347
When I first encountered Step One, I thought my life was unmanageable because of my eating disorder. Now I know my eating disorder was my problematic solution for unmanageability that already existed.
My experience with coming to EDA was a little bit something like the prompt describes, but not quite. I had already gotten the worst aspects of my eating disorder wrangled through practicing intuitive eating and learning more about concepts such as Health At Every Size. However, whenever I had to deal with an ignorant medical professional who tried to postulate that my weight was the cause of my distress and every problem I had would magically be solved by forcing my body to shrink down to an arbitrary number on the scale, I would spiral into self-loathing and restriction once again.
I remain appalled by the medical industry’s harmful attitudes toward larger patients. However, it doesn’t solve anything for me to revert to self-harming behaviors whenever I encounter these corrosive outlooks. Working with the tenets of Eating Disorders Anonymous has helped me with these issues in ways that my intuitive eating practice couldn’t. Intuitive Eating helps develop more rational behaviors around food, but it never helped me address the underlying causes of my binging and restriction the way Eating Disorders Anonymous has.
I don’t even do the Eating Disorders Anonymous program the right way. I don’t do a daily fourth step or tenth step inquiry. I don’t study the steps every day. I don’t work with a sponsor. Nonetheless, I have greatly benefited from the program and can’t foresee myself ever stepping away from it. I need the reinforcement I get from examining the attitudes that led to my eating disorder.
The fact that I would never have been able to address these issues while my parents were still alive distresses me. My father died in late November of 2010. My mother died in February of last year. I think I was still masking who I really was from my mother and thus from myself, and this is why the underlying issues would never have been addressed. Nevertheless, the fact unnerves me because it seems to say my parents needed to be gone for me to heal. I don’t want to believe this is true.
Ornery Owl Has Spoken
Ornery Owl sez:
I can’t work on the truth out there until I figure out the truth in here.
Helpful resources:
Body Positivity deck
The Fuck It Diet
Health at Every Size
Intuitive Eating book
Making Peace with Food deck
I will earn a small commission from any purchases made through the above links.
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