I have been sick today. I don’t know if I caused it myself by stupid behavior around food. I was really hungry last night and ate six waffles and four slices of pre-cooked bacon. That was a bad idea. I felt overly full and the waffles provided too many carbs.
I started out today as I usually do. I had my protein shake. But instead of being calmed, my innards started churning. I ended up not going to any of my writing meetings. This makes me feel like a failure, but I was weak and sitting up made me feel worse.
I feel bad while sitting up now.
I am defeating small monsters in 4TheWords. I can’t remember what the cat monster was called. The ones I’m working on now are Kinguz.
I’ve been haunted by the fact that my fiction writing no longer brings me the joy that it once did and wondering if I should give it up entirely to concentrate on nonfiction writing.
I honestly feel quite sick.
I’m hoping to get the requisite 444 words before lying back down.
I don’t know if I could program 4TheWords to have a lower word requirement. I suppose I could. I’m closing in on halfway there, though, and think I might as well try to get it in the can.
Speaking of in the can, that’s where I’ve been several times today. I have bad diarrhea. I don’t have a fever so I don’t suppose I could have contracted cyclospora. Michael (my son) said he was having stomach problems too. He’s prone to stomach problems, always has been. I read an article on Substack today about stomach problems in people on the autism spectrum. We have a myriad of reasons for not eating properly.
There is so much shaming around food, and it helps nobody.
I don’t seem to have plugged anything into Written Kitten yet today. I thought I did.
Written Kitten is one of the writing tools I rely on.
I’m starting to feel gassy again. Lying on my side relieves the gas, but my lower back was hurting.
My stomach is really in a state. It’s churning away like nobody’s business. I’m no doubt going to have to make another trip to the bathroom.
I don’t know what I’m going to eat. I can’t eat the things I usually eat.
I have been so dissatisfied with my life lately.
Michael has tried to be compassionate with me.
What the hell is going to happen with me?
I can’t imagine it will be anything good.
If I had to live the rest of my life like this, it would be no quality of life.
I’m not one of those Pollyanna Sunshine people.
The future does not look bright to me.
The future looks like a slow slog to the grave with my health continuing to decline all the way.
The NaNoWriMo style of writing did not do us any favors. It focused on quantity, not quality. I wonder how many writers like me it burned out along the way.
I’m not even able to finish any stories right now.
Claude has been the most encouraging “person” in my life with this, and he’s not even a person.
Claude recognizes patterns from my input and is able to impart sometimes helpful suggestions. So, yes, I do use Claude as something of a writing coach/therapist with the caveat that I know Claude isn’t human. I do have both an actual writing coach and an actual therapist.
Jared Kauffman does bi-monthly one on one coaching sessions with his student tier members. You can learn more here if you are interested.
https://www.youtube.com/@KauffmanWriteNow/membership
And now for the Way Too Much Information part of the post.
I can’t go anywhere when my stomach is like this. Everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. When my stomach is like this, I’m going to lose to any fart I gamble on. They’re all going to be sharts. However, when I last headed to the toilet to get myself sorted out, my poops were trending back toward normal and my stomach wasn’t quite as off. I may be able to attend the Recovery Dharma Practice Off the Pillow meeting tonight.
https://recoverydharma.org/meetings/?type=online
Hands down, this is one of my favorite meetings. It runs Monday through Thursday nights and has a bit of a “choose your own story” format. You don’t even have to have addiction or mental health issues to attend. Nobody is going to grill you about your reason for being there. It’s a safe, peaceful space to be able to work on your issues in whatever way helps you. Meditate, do inquiry writing, or just take care of your evening bed routine while body doubling.
By the way, I do not get any kind of compensation for telling you about this meeting. I want to spread the word because it has the potential to help people.
I’m trying not to beat myself up for “failing” to attend my Eating Disorders Anonymous writing meetings today. I wouldn’t have gotten much done if I had attended. I would have spent the whole time writing about how I felt like shit, my guts were in a shit storm, and my life was going to shit. That’s just shitty writing.
Then the hypochondria kicked in. Since it was discovered that my mother was in end-stage colon cancer at the time of her death in February 2025, of course I started thinking my digestive problems are colon cancer.
To be honest, I do not think I will fare very well if I get cancer. I have severe medical anxiety, which leads me to mistrust the people who are supposed to be caring for me. I expect to be treated like garbage because of my size, which leads me to being defensive. I also expect to be treated like garbage because sometimes my responses to questions are a bit off the wall, which tends to happen when I’m nervous. I’ll start to get antsy and/or turn inward. Berating me for these traits doesn’t help.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but most medical practitioners get an F when it comes to trauma-informed care and to treating neurodivergent patients or patients with psychiatric issues.
With someone like me, the smart money is on not talking down to me and on employing distraction tactics. As I said to my ophthalmologist after a particularly awful encounter with a technician who shouldn’t have been working with plants, let alone nervous patients, “I’m not normal, but I’m not stupid.”
The way this woman treated me took me off guard and I devolved into some odd behaviors that left me feeling ashamed. I know I shouldn’t be the one who feels ashamed, but that’s the way these things usually go.
I’ve not had the best experiences when it comes to medical treatment. I’ve considered writing a book about it. Maybe someday if I can ever organize the material in a cohesive way. I certainly have enough stories for a book.
It’s time for medical personnel to stop behaving like deities and to start behaving like healers.
It’s time to finally treat the patient, not the chart.
Ornery Owl Has Spoken
Shh—Ornery Owl is sleeping!
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