When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. That’s how I ended up with this gig, bringing you all the weirdness that’s fit to print. Pour yourself a cold one of whatever your preferred beverage is before you read this, or roll a big fatty, because you’re gonna need it. I’ll try to find some meaning in this madness.
Oh, the irony of writing about one of the worst Americans to ever exist, on a day when we just lost one of the best.
President Pumpkin Titties (Trump) and his weird rectangular ass has always pulled the Darth Vader trick of making a deal with someone, then changing the terms. And for years, he got away with it. But Canadian PM Mark Carney ain’t playing along and you just know the ketchup is dripping from the walls of the White House. I might have a little crush on Carney. You broke my will, but what a thrill.
Trade talks collapsed at the final hour because Canada rejected last-minute U.S. demands and being referred to as “a subsidiary of the United States”. With 30 minutes left on the clock, Carney said Washington “asked too much and offered too little” and walked. Mad respect, my silver fox. Keep this up and you’ll get your picture on the cover of the Rolling Stone. Among the U.S. demands? Stripping protections for Canadian domestic industries, restricting their international trade rights, and—I swear this is true—banning French/English bilingual product labeling. Canada also mentioned the infighting in the Trump camp between factions that each wanted to control the deal. Guess SS Miller (Stephen Miller) and Beelzebubba (Vance) were fighting over the couch again. Damn metrosectionals.
Yes. Trump threw a hissy fit because he doesn’t understand French. I’ve got some French for him. Ce putain de type.
My flabbers are gasted, kittens. First of all: A “subsidiary of the United States?” Let me just go pick up my copy of Harry Potter and the Audacity of This Bitch.
In retaliation, Trump slammed a 50% “I know you are, but what am I?” tariff on $20 billion of Canadian exports, hitting autos, parts, and steel. Carney immediately promised to match it dollar-for-dollar. But the White House forgot one minor detail: Canada keeps a big portion of America’s lights on. That’s Canada’s Strait of Hormuz.
Ontario Premier Doug Ford is already threatening to pull the plug on power exports. If Ford pulls the trigger, which he seems perfectly willing to do, the fallout will hit New York, Minnesota, Michigan, Vermont, Maine, Massachusetts, Washington state and California. Let’s not forget: Canada provides 99% of our natural gas imports, acts as our primary uranium supplier, and fuels 60% of all U.S. crude imports. Good luck running an economy on a temper tantrump.
Ford challenged Trump directly, saying “We’re gonna hit the red states hard… you think an insult from [Trump] hurts me? Bring it on, buddy. Bring it on. I’ve dealt with guys like you my whole life… you’re a loser.” So why don’t you kill me?
Now who’s zooming who? Ivanka Lite (Natalie Harp) posted a breakup letter with Carney on Pravda Social yesterday, declaring that Canada is “among the worst Nations in the World to deal with” and announcing the tariffs. What is his deal with the tariffs? It’s weird, bro. Note the effective date: January 1, 2027. Conveniently right after the midterms. He knows prices will skyrocket, but he’s praying a deal bails him out before voters feel the squeeze even harder at the pump and the grocery store or he’ll TACO. A shell game by any other name would smell as sweet. Here’s some insider trading for you: buy stock in lube.
Good luck with that. Canada isn’t in a mood to negotiate, and neither are American voters as the midterms speed toward us with their high beams on. But the Supreme Court just put a little hitch in our giddy-up by ruling that you can’t complain about voter suppression until you’ve been voter suppressed. Pretzel logic: It’s not just a Steely Dan album.
Back in March, President Pumpkin Titties issued an Executive Order targeting mail-in voting under the guise of “election integrity.” A coalition of 23 states and D.C. immediately sued, arguing that states run elections, not federal decrees. U.S. District Judge Indira Talwani agreed and blocked the rules.
Naturally, the administration scuttled straight to John Roberts on his private island and his fellow Black Cloaks at SCOTUS. In a 6-3 unsigned opinion, the conservative majority lifted the block. Their logic? The Black Cloaks claim the order to build citizenship lists is just an “internal directive” and doesn’t explicitly force states to do anything yet—meaning states can’t prove they’ve been harmed until after they’ve been harmed. Even if the states are being ordered to turn over their voter rolls. Which, to me, means they’re doing something. But it’s just an “internal directive” until your mail-in ballot hits the shredder.
It is the ultimate legal catch-22: you aren’t allowed to sue until after the federal government actively suppresses your vote. But as we all know, once the election is over, the court will refuse to undo the results because that horse has already left the barn. That’s exactly what these Black Cloaks are counting on.
The joke is still on the White House, though. Even though they cleared this hurdle, a completely separate nationwide injunction from August is still blocking the Postal Service from actually implementing these restrictive mail-ballot rules. They won a procedural victory, but the gears of the mail system are still jammed. You can thank the League of Women Voters for that.
Nothing says America First like systematically dismantling the foundational rights that make this America. They didn’t even buy us dinner first before fucking us.
Oh, and we’re issuing “economic sanctions” against Iran because, as President Pumpkin Titties (well, Ivanka Lite actually) put it yesterday on Pravda Social: “IRAN IS COMPLETELY COLLAPSING!” Sure, Jan. Davy Jones is totally going to take you to prom. In return, Iran has put a $10 million bounty on Barron’s head via an IRGC video titled “Where and How We Should Kill Barron Trump.” (I’m quoting the title of the video, all you Secret Service out there. I do not wish to see any harm come to Barron Trump. All the downtown ladies call him treetop lover, the men just call him ‘sir’) But the video doesn’t seem an idle threat: they imply they’ve been following him, keeping tracks on his university, the vehicles he uses, where the Secret Service is positioned around him, his routine, and his various social media accounts. I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted (wanted) dead or alive.
Notice that the IRGC didn’t go after either of Trump’s large failsons.
And Dolly. Oh, Dolly. You were a shining light for America. You were the best of us: open, honest, accepting, caring. You understood that to whom much is given, much is expected, and you did it all with grace and charm and humor. The world’s a little less bright without our beloved ambassador and songstress, and we all were looking forward to what you might do next. Just imagine the musical jamboree that’s happening at the heavenly Grand Ole Opry. You were a friend to so many people you never met. You were an example of the best that we could be. Godspeed.
In her honor, supporting your local library would be something she’d appreciate, I think.
Blessed St. Parton, keep us dreaming down here.
That’s all I have for you today, kittens.
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