Just cutting through the political noise to Explain It All For You, kittens. I’m on the front lines of the country’s rapid devolution into Dumbfuckistan, where Operation Fuck Up the Food Supply per Project 2025 is going gangbusters. This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco, this ain’t no fooling around. If you want to know why you’re sitting in the dark, eating mystery meat and digging for oil when you’re shootin’ at some food, pull up a chair and let me try to explain what in the Kentucky Fried fuck is going on. Operative word here is “try”. I am not Carnac the Magnificent, just some pixels with an attitude which, I admit, has been getting worse. Deal with it.
To start, though: foreign policy runs on vibes now, and America First? Yeah, fuck off with that nonsense. MAGA? It stands for “Make Argentina Great Again.” Last October, Argentina and the United States quietly set up a $20 billion currency swap. Our Federal Reserve basically exchanged stable American greenbacks for highly combustible Argentine pesos to prop up their economy. Argentina promised to pay it back with interest—and by “interest,” we can only assume they mean pinky promises along with mani/pedis and a “Grease” singalong, because Congress still has absolutely no idea what the actual terms of the deal were. Meanwhile, Epstein McFlee’s (Trump) two brain cells are fruitlessly finger-banging each other while he sings “hopelessly devoted to you” to Milei.
Now, Epstein McFlee is personally importing 300,000 metric tons of foreign ground beef, completely tariff-free for the next 90 days. It is scheduled to hit supermarket shelves at a cool 25% under market price. It’s coming from an “unnamed country,” but come on—we all know where the mystery meat is boarding the plane. He is happily screwing over American ranchers because he has a massive political crush on Javier Milei and that whole bromance is weird. I got chills, they’re multiplying.
When a reporter on Air Force One asked if the deal benefits Argentina (recent home of Peter Thiel) at the expense of our hard-working American cattle ranchers, he got real defensive real fast: “Look, look, Argentina is fighting for its life, young lady, you don’t know anything about it. They’re fighting for their life, nothing is benefitting Argentina, they’re fighting for their life. You understand what that means? They have no money, they have no anything, they’re fighting so hard to survive. If I can help them survive in a free world, I happen to like the President of Argentina [Milei], I think he’s trying to do the best he can, but don’t make it sound like they’re doing great. They are dying. All right? They’re dying.”
Hear that, American cowboys? They’re dying. Meanwhile, your local herds are the smallest they’ve been in 75 years because diesel, feed, pharmaceuticals, and transportation costs have become entirely unaffordable. But hey, don’t worry, we still import plenty of beef from Canada, Brazil, Australia, New Zealand, Nicaragua, and Mexico—though that whole screwworm outbreak down south means you might want to ask for a “Screwworm Smashburger” next time you hit the drive-thru. Ha. Like any of us can afford to eat out.
Unsurprisingly, this mystery meat bonanza isn’t going over well with actual cattle producers. Colin Woodall, CEO of the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association, released a statement on Friday warning that flooding the market with government-subsidized, below-market beef is throwing cold water on long-term industry stability just for short-term messaging.
Translation: Epstein McFlee is deliberately undercutting some of his strongest political supporters while simultaneously blaming Biden for the price of steak. To the ranchers currently watching agricultural corporations buy up their multi-generational family land for pennies on the dollar: say hi to the leopards for me. Leopards ate my ranch, but at least we saved Javier Milei! Big plus: agricultural concerns can buy ranches super cheap now.
Of course, your resident professional skeptic has to wonder: what’s happening with the wild Mustangs currently getting rounded up and slaughtered in our national parks? Where is that meat going? Are we going to be eating Hot Pockets rebranded as “Horse Pockets” by winter? Jane, stop this crazy thing!
But hey, at least our president suddenly cares about people who are “dying,” right?
If only that empathy extended to our own borders. Let’s talk about Gary, Indiana—not Louisiana, Paris, France, New York, or Rome. Gary has been entirely without power since August 11, when a derecho—which is just a fancy meteorological term for a terrifying, apocalyptic wall of inland wind designed to cheerfully fuck up everything in the vicinity—flattened the area.
The local utility company, NIPSCO, promises power will be returned “tomorrow” (a tomorrow that keeps moving). The surrounding wealthy suburbs have electricity. The corporate data centers, of course, already have crisp, air-conditioned power. But the citizens of Gary are hitting week two in the dark.
World Central Kitchen is on the scene doing the actual heavy lifting of feeding people. The Indiana Governor finally deployed the National Guard to clear paths, and ConEd had to ship in outside crews to fix the grid. Meanwhile, corporate insurance inspectors are taking their sweet time getting to Gary, and our Commander-in-Chief is apparently too busy playing economic savior to a foreign country to notice his own citizens are melting in the August heat.
Same as it ever was.
Buy your beef from local producers, buy some flashlights, and keep your eyes open. That’s all I have for you today, kittens.
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