Pssst! If you are reading this via an email, the JOY PARADE might be a smidge too long for you to see all of it. If so, just click the title and it’ll take you to where you can read the whole thing with your eyeballs online!
Leaping straight in: IS IT EVER GOING TO RAIN?
And I mean, PROPERLY rain?
We’ve had a few half-hearted drips here and there, but I want a real, feels-like-you-are being-pelted-with-gravel rainstorm. I don’t just want it for myself, but for the garden which is looking as chapped and dry as a scullery maid’s poor hands. So dispiriting to see the plants looking crispy at the edges despite judicious use of the watering can on the daily…
How has your week been? Mine’s been busy! I had two days in London dashing from one meeting to another all over the place and, I should add, having a lovely time doing it.
One of the things I had to do whilst there was a tiny bit of filming with my publisher, Hachette, who needed a quick video for something PR-y about my forthcoming book (more on that below).
I’m not hugely keen on being face-first at a camera, but the filming was actually quite fun and we dashed it off quickly which I always think is the best plan. What I liked best about it was that we were working in The Secret Room. That’s not its real name, but it IS a secret.
Tucked away in a corner of one of the bustling floors and hidden around the back of some pretend walls is essentially a turret. It’s a little, round, sunken room painted very dark blue and every wall is lined with bookshelves filled with both new and VERY old books. There are sofas and Liberty cushions and a jolly rug on the floor and it’s all terrifically ensconcing. I’ve filmed in there a few times and each time I never want to leave. If I were part of the in-house staff, you wouldn’t get me out of it. I’d arrive late on purpose, lie that there were no available desks to work at and then set up home in the turret.
Also my friend M was in town and we had a glorious time catching up over dinner. Is there anything nicer than having a good yap over (I will NOT call them Small Plates so don’t try to make me) tapas? Really glorious!
Now, before we get into this week’s JOY PARADE we must have a dekko at what other things have been going on…
I couldn’t understand why my front door wouldn’t open the other evening and then I realised it was because instead of my key, I was trying to open it with the Apple Pay function on my phone
Re: the above.
Some antihistamines are quite strong, aren’t they?
My dogs enjoy stealing things - food, socks, plastic plant pots. They would get away with more of their tomfoolery and shenanigans if, after they have committed their crimes, they didn’t perform an all canine production of “Before The Parade Passes By” from Hello Dolly1! directly in front of me.
On the subject of dogs: they are in disgrace.
Well, one of them is.
This one.
Betty Lou my Yorkshire Terriorist.
A CRIMINAL. The crime she is charged with is trying to dislocate her jaw like a python to swallow one of my pet chickens whole.
Here’s what happened:
I was upstairs sorting some laundry (actually the laundry was in a pile and I was flat out beside it watching an interview with Barbara Cartland on my phone) and naturally all the dogs were supervising me.
When we went back downstairs I realised (too late) that the french doors were open and that one of my hens, Pearl (it is ALWAYS Pearl) was in an area of the garden she categorically did NOT have security clearance for. BL siezed her chance and in the work of a moment had the hen in her gob.
PEARL. Who is never where she should be. What followed was a lot of squawking (Pearl), a lot of swearing (me) and a lot of wrestling and eventually BL admitted defeat but was THRILLED by her efforts.
Thankfully, Pearl is totally unharmed and unbothered, but I did have to sit in the garden with her whilst she smoked a Silk Cut (held in quivering feathers) and we shared a tot of Brandy until we both calmed down.
Living with Betty Lou takes me to the edge of my sanity most days.
She is a (wonderfully cute, tiny, very loving) MENACE.
Do you remember a few weeks ago when I told you I’d overheard two young men talking and one of them (The Sage as I’ve come to think of him) told the other one “Women… Women are like herbs.” and then didn’t offer a single bit of extra information?
Well, this week I was was in a cafe and overheard a different man (talking non stop to a woman who sipped dispassionately on her iced matcha latte) that “At the end of the day, life is really about what sort of apples you want.”
The woman just said “I guess…” and reached into her handbag for her lipgloss.
In a different cafe a woman said to her friend, “I AM a socialist but I DO like shoes.”
In a shop the other day a woman tapped a member of staff on the elbow and said, “I’m in a rush and looking for old men’s trousers”
Quick Q:
Do people just go to cafes and shops now and put random words together and say them out loud?
Walking down the road behind a mum and her 3 year old:
Mum: When we get to the shop, what flavour lolly do you think you’ll have?
3 YO: What flavours will they be going to be?2
Mum: Well, last time there was chocolate, strawberry, lemon, orange or Cola.
3 YO: COKE cola?
Mum: Yep! Would you like that one?
[3 YO thinks VERY hard.]
3 YO: I want to have a lolly that is Coke AND Cola flavour.
Mum: That’s what the cola one is.
3 YO: [suddenly an expert] No, the shop just has Cola ones not Coke AND Cola. Can you see if they have one of thems ones?
[Mum thinks for a minute. I see a battle wage in her brain just behind her eyebrows. This could turn into a war. Instead, she raises a white hanky tied to a stick.]
MUM: [sighs] Yes, ok. I’ll see if they have any Coke AND cola flavour lollies….
3 YO then looked like he’d pulled off the negotiation of the century which I suppose he actually had…
This week in the park I saw an absolutely tiny, 6 month old Maltese terrier. Her name was Missy and in the space of one minute she bit a metal rubbish bin, nearly assassinated a roller skater with her lead and attempted to take on fully grown Alsatian.
I LOVE Missy but I never, ever need her to meet my Betty Lou. I don’t have the mental strength to cope with that sort of energy, squared.
Right, well that’s enough gassing. I’ve got a bedazzled giraffe here all saddled up to ride on and its pawing the ground menacingly so we MUST start our JOY PARADE…
1. We’ll start as always with our BEHOLDING! and EXCLAIMING!
The evenings have been GLORIOUS again this week on my evening walks! Deeply golden sunsets splashing across the crispy grass which was polka-dotted with busy crows.
Whilst skittering across London I did a bit of one of my favourite hobbies which is LOOKING UP and specifically LOOKING UP at Twiddly Bits Of Architecture.
COR! Look at these Twiddly Bits!
And these two slabs of wedding cake buildings in Piccadilly!
I don’t think modern architects put enough mystical/ historical people/creatures on buildings now and I’m so furious about it. Think, for example, how absolutely stunning a Lidl would look with Britannia riding atop it in a marble chariot.
You also know that one of my other hobbies is really getting to grips with the inside of old churches. I popped into St James’s on Piccadilly which is always a beautiful place to wander into. On all the other times I’ve visited there has been a choir practising or a chamber orchestra having a run through but it was entirely empty this time and so peaceful and lovely.
(It did smell VERY strongly of Paella from a food stall outside which added a nice surreal element to proceedings I felt.)
Finally, please BEHOLD! and EXCLAIM! at Jeremy Bentham!
I need the number of his cosmetologist asap because that forehead Botox? INCREDIBLE!
The filler in his cheeks? STUNNING!
2. I absolutely love these sweet illustrations by Emily Taylor. They are for greetings cards but wouldn’t they also look nice on a lovely heavyweight linen for either a table cloth or quilted for a children’s bedroom?
V. Gorge!
More here!
3. BRAT Summer passed me by the other year mainly because that type of acid green takes the colour out of my face. What I’m proposing for this season is Pavarotti’s Glorious Italian Summer ™️. (Swipe through for the whole glorious event.)
I want to drive mopeds DANGEROUSLY close to swimming pools and talk to friends and acquaintances on enormous telephones in a variety of jazzy gentlemen’s blouses.
4. I had a really good look at this book in a bookshop the other day and it’s superb! (I didn’t buy it at the time because it’s a bit of a breeze-block and my tote was v dainty so I’m going to order it.)
I love nosing around other people’s sketchbooks and this allows you to do just that. It’s so good to be able to have a sneaky peek into the thought process of all sorts of artists from Constable to Beatrix Potter.
5. Featured in the above book are the prelim. sketches for Winnie the Pooh by E. H. Shepard. Looking at them made me get the following two books down from my shelves and shove my nose into them for the first time in ages.
Firstly, this book is TOTAL heaven. Being A Right Nosy Sod, I often find the prep work and sketchbooks of artists even more interesting than their finished pieces.
This book is a treasure trove of sketches and doodles and a fascinating insight into how E.H.S translated AAM’s words into such charming, enduring and beautiful pictures.
This book is a memoir by E.H.S written in the late 1950s covering a number of years of his late Victorian childhood.
It’s brilliant and, naturally, generously and gorgeously illustrated with pen and ink sketches. Couldn’t reco more. (I think you’ll have to look on second hand book selling websites for a copy though!)
One thing that has always fascinated me is what people see in their lifetimes. For example, Picasso could, in theory, have met both Charles Darwin and the rapper Eminem.
E .H. Shepard was born in 1879 and died in 1976 so I think it’s safe for us to assume that he witnessed the declining reign Queen Victoria, the abdication of King Edward the VIII AND Dave Hill from Slade’s micro fringe.
6. Two nice bits from one of our favs - David Shrigley!
First up: this cheering embroidered patch. I am deeply thrilled by that elongated thumb.
I also love this tote because it’s true - I DO love broccoli! And it IS nice! (Always so lovely to have your feelings validated).
7. BLISS!
8. The other week I was wanging on on here about how much I love designer, Daniel Roseberry’s designs for Schiaparelli- both the finished pieces and also the illustrations he makes during the design process?
Well - GIFT FROM THE GODS - here’s a little film showcasing his drawings. They are unbelievably, heart-thumping beautiful!
9. Can I offer you a ceramic devilled egg?
Aren’t these just DELIGHTFUL? I’d have a tray of them casually on the coffee table.
They are made by artist, Jeff Nebeker and are avail. to buy here.
10. Talking of pretend food, I URGENTLY need this hash brown, beans and egg keyring!
I need this because it’s brilliant, but also because hash browns and beans will always remind me of one of my dear friend’s weddings when, due to us having perhaps just one or maybe two too many glasses of The Jolly Stuff, me and two pals found ourselves absolutely devastated the following morning, hangover-wise. All we could do was sit, pale faced and with skin the texture of a Babybel wrapper, in our hotel restaurant eating plate after plate of hash browns and beans in total silence until we felt fractionally human again. I therefore always think of HBs as Wonderfully Reviving.
Also more mini foodie bits here!
11. “Darling, can I offer you a Party Banana? Take two - I was up until 4am preparing a whole platter of them… Ok, well I’ll just pop them down here by my ceramic devilled eggs and you can just help yourself… ”
12. You might have seen this already but I had to include it. Didi Conn (EXCELLENT name) aka the original Frenchy from GREASE went this week to see the immersive theatrical/film production currently being staged in London, and it’s so very touching.
I’ve always loved her expressive face and big eyes, but there’s something terrifically lovely here about see how delighted she is by it all.
V. moving, spirit-lifting stuff!
13. I love this bag hook so much mainly, I think, because it looks like the doorbell went and you opened the front door to find a goose revving up and you only just managed to side step out of its way before it took off at a sprint and plunged, beak-first, into a dividing wall.
14. If I can’t have a Pavarotti’s Glorious Italian Summer™️, please at least allow me to have a Jessica Fletcher August™️?
I want to wander around solving crimes in oversized, heart shaped sun specs and multiple layers of linen shirts.
As you know, we always finish with a song and this one has been stuck in my head all week.
Now, I don’t know about you, but when it comes to casting the role of 1920’s, ten year old Little Orphan Annie, I wouldn’t have immediately thought of Grace Jones, but now I absolutely need a remake asap with her in the titular role (all the other orphan parts would be still be played by children and no one would mention that the lead child character is being performed by an almost octogenarian).
I WOULD BE THERE ON OPENING NIGHT!
(SIDE NOTE: Do you remember Queen E the II’s Jubilee party when GJ did her entire performance whilst hula hooping? Wonderfully mad and something I think about at LEAST once a week.)
Anyway, this week’s finale is Grace Jones (with trademark blusher) performing TOMORROW from the musical ANNIE.
SO DISCO-TASTIC!
Thank you for reading this week’s JOY PARADE.
I hope you have a lovely Sunday. What are you all up to? I’ve got about 9000 eggs from the chickens to use up so I expect I will be in the kitchen from dawn until dust doing something interesting with them.
I’ll be back next Sunday with JOY PARADE No.53! (and it will be a bit of a special one!) In the meantime, if you’ve enjoyed this JOY PARADE I would simply adore it if you were to prod the heart button ❤️ below and do please follow me on Instagram (I’m mralextsmith over there) and also subscribe to and share this newsletter to all your chums.
Thank you so much!
In Tearing Haste,
HEAD PIGEON.
PS. The book I was doing some filming for this week was this one! It comes out in September this year and is one of the silliest things I’ve ever written- a mansion block set, 1920s crime caper which attempts to answer that burning question: WHAT IF HERCULE POIROT WAS A BEAVER?
If that sounds like something you’d like to jam in your eyeballs later this year when it publishes, it is available to pre-order NOW! You can go here! Or, if you’d like a signed edition, Waterstones have a clutch of them.
(Pre-ordering a book is a simple but wonderful and brilliant way to help a new book burst onto the bookshelves when it publishes, so if you were to pre-order this one, please know that you will have my adoration for all eternity.)
Share Alex T Smith’s Pigeon Post
I wonder if this should be our Pigeon Post/Joy Parade official anthem?
I LOVE how small children talk. Just brilliant mangling of a language but always absolutely clear what they are trying to communicate.
No posts
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.