Reader Question: My dating life has taken a toll since I started working remotely - how can I meet singles when working from home all day?
I have been helping single men and women date more effectively before WFH was a thing. Whether it’s helping them budget how much time to spend on apps, what hobbies to take on, which events to check out, where to sit at restaurants/bars or how to start conversations, I help people navigate all the intricacies of modern dating. Check out my dating services here.
WFH has been a blessing for many as it has allowed them to have more options on where to live, save time on commuting and offer opportunities to get things done around the home more efficiently. This is all seems great but there is a lot of overlooked costs that come with this setup.
If you are a bad-ass at work, are well liked in the office, have indispensable skills, ate poorly in the office, or are a great leader, the costs are minimal. In fast, you likely are benefiting greatly from this new work. But for many, a lot can be lost.
Life is not what you see in movies, most people don’t meet serendipitously but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. When you go outside, it generally leads to people taking showers (unless you are a software developer), dressing up, being productive (with less time) and leaving their neighborhood. There are far fewer chances of meeting new people when you work from home.
Dating is about relying on one strategy but using multiple organic methods to meet people in your life. Even if you suck at talking to strangers, conversation starters, or ironing your clothes, there is great value of being out and about in your city and beyond.
I have had plenty of clients who were on the fence about a person they saw on apps because they were not sure about how recent photos were, if the person was local (profile was too vague) or what the person’s vibe was (mostly selfies, boring/stiff photos, cropped group shots etc). Seeing them in person provided a point of validation and offered up additional talking point when matching on apps.
Some people are not great at talking to strangers on buses, talking up people at lines at cafes but approaching people is just one piece of the puzzle. When you go to an office, coworking space, studio or client site, you increase time spent outdoors. Dressing up, being at the right place and right time, or surrounding yourself with colleagues increases chances of others approaching you. Who doesn’t like being approached in real life?
Going to the office once or expecting results daily or immediately is not realistic but laying a baseline for this opportunity, passively without any extra effort can great increase your chances of meeting someone over time especially when combined with other dating outlets (efficient app usage, hobbies, classes, volunteering, becoming a regular, trying out new spots, going to events and more).
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Some people thrive on routines, consistent environments, known temptations and familar settings but for others, it can kill energy, motivation and desire to try something new. Once you rely on the same routines, dating outlets and situations, your world shrinks. Your universe becomes smaller if you think you won’t meet someone new or if you expect no changes in your life.
Some people are very disciplined and make it an effort to leave home, excerise regularly, leave their neighborhoods, take meetings with others, mix up work environments and dress up as if they were going to be seen - not everyone has this drive.
Unknown situations, uncomfortable environments, taking risks is where I see a lot of people make the most progress in dating. It forces them to leave comfort zones, trying something new, be vulnerable and talk to strangers (even if there is no intention or possibility of it progressing beyond one back and forth).
This mindset is evident when traveling. There is a renewed sense of exploration, taking a new route, minimizing risks when talking to strangers that most people can not re-create when stationary or at least in their hometown. Unless you are naturally bubbly, outgoing, and introducing yourself to strangers, you may find it difficult to done even every so often without some social lubricant.
A lot of people struggle with words and converation i.e. what to put in a profile, what to message, how to set up a date or what to say on a first date. These social skills are not just something you can pick up overnight - some of these skills are derived from life experiences, not just once a year travels, but from everyday occurences i.e. connecting with people different from you or finding commonalities with with different people.
If you live in San Francisco and see someone with a Giants hat, its just an everyday occurence but if you see someone with a Giants hat on vacation on a different continent, there is more opportunity for deeper discussion. Similarly, conversations that are generic or frequently had are tough to transition to exchanging contact info or setting up dates. Not knowing where conversation will end, going deep with a total stranger or bouncing from topic to topic generally leads to most interest and better chances of staying in touch.
I am not advocating that you start dating your co-workers but I am also not saying you should avoid them either. Most workplace policies about dating co-workers are set up because too many of you are weird, awkard and not mature enough to date each other. I have known many people who met their spouse at work. Again, not saying this should be your only or even your main outlet for dating but it’s another opportunity to expand reach.
Even if you prefer not to date co-workers, you will reduce opportunities for after work happy hours (much easier to go/stay out once you are away from home vs getting dressed up after wearing pajamas all-day). Similarly, I know many people who met their iothers through colleagues (referrals). Yes, it’s possible but not so much if you are weird, awkward or creepy.
Meeting people while working from home is possible but it will take a significant amout of work and discipline.
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