Last Updated: August 11, 2026
Dating has gotten worse for just about everyone except those who are driven, do the self-work, have developed a think skin, learned to ID red flags, cut off time wasters quickly and know how to market themselves effectively. Unfortunately, this is about 10% of folks on dating apps.
If you spend any significant time on dating apps, it feels like hardly anyone is trying. You don’t have to have professional photos, nor be a model/fit but you do need to avoid self-sabotage i.e. low effort photos, vague/boring profiles, distant, blurry photos riddled with sunglasses, intense looks, hats and inconsistent messaging across them and your written profile.
As much as dating has become harder, it’s worse for those who rely too much on dating apps (they were always intended to be used sparingly, never as one’s only nor main outlet for meeting people).
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There are certain skill sets needed to have a fighting chance on dating apps and most folks are either unaware of them, don’t think they make a diference or would much rather blame apps and modern dating culture than pause and see what they can do to improve the situation.
Dating apps provide a biased and inaccurate view of modern dating. They prey on insecurities, reward narcissists, provide inaccurate information and bombard folks with meaningless and contradictory notifications. A lot of folks are able to get pass this gauntlant of despair and arrive relatively unscathed but that is not the norm nor should it be expected if you overlook several items needed to succeeed on them.
Despite all the checkboxes and filters provided on apps, not everyone is honest about them - from height, recency of photos, intentions and more. They are a mix of a point in time (how recent are photo? who knows), what someone says they want (not necessarily now or with you) and much more.
Like all tools, they require people to know how to use them, when to use them and their limitations. In an ideal world, people would be truthful but no one is holding folks accountable - not apps, not users and often times not even local authorities.
One should use apps like they would approach meeting people in public - ask questions, assume nothing, take your time to get to know someone, don’t send revealing photos to strangers, avoid sleeping with folks right away and use good judgment. Don’t be distracted by men who are charming, aggressive or say things you want to hear especially if you are vulnerable (mental health, recent break-up, lonely, or more).
Some folks use dating apps to feel good about themselves but the apps can leave people feeling worse off through lack of likes, hateful messages, ghosting, body shaming and more. A lot of folks don’t know what they want or if they do, typically act against their interests, so why should they trust apps to know?
I am not saying dating apps are completely worthless - they are not, people routinely meet their partnes on them but for every couple that find their forever mate, dozens more struggle on the app with no end in site.
If you are not happy on your own, you can’t expect others to make you feel great. Putting too much pressure on a stranger to get you out of your funk is a bit selfish and unrealistic. No one is perfect and everyone could do some self-work bu there is a fine line between being on a good enough space and needing to take care of yourself before you can allow others into your dating life.
Some dating apps are known for bein focused on casual encounters and hookups - these apps often focus on sexual interests and preferences which are important but typically things that can be discovered and explored in time. People are way too eager to get the answers rather than take the time to learn about others.
There is nothing wrong with hookups but my focus as a dating coach is on people seeking long-term relationships. Different strategies are needed not just for different intentions but also different people, personalities, appearances, and more. Those who rely on dating advice from hot takes, 1 line answers on Reddit are likely to struggle with dating as it is more nuanced than you will ever know.
Some people do better on apps but most do better offline. Apps don’t provide much help in terms of putting your best foot foward - thehy provide two-dimensional glimpses that often overlook personality, warmth, drive, intentions and more.
Friends can be biased and not that helpful in terms of providing honest feedback through the eyes of a stranger. Over time, people may actually perform worse as they adopt bad habits including mirroring bad behavior/poor etiquette they observe, swipig more (recklessly), neglecting offline self (health, exercise, relationships) and becoming pessimistic about potential future matches and dates based on poor, past experiences.
A lot of people who rely on apps too much often lack friends and or time. If that is the case, you can’t expect dating apps to expedite the process, they can only mirror (more or less) your offline efforts.
Instead of asking which is better, why not use both. They compliment each other well i.e. apps can allow you to meet people (further reach) while in-person encounters allow you to analyze people more quickly and easily. There are other ways in which offline and online can compliment each other - these tips are exclusively for clients.
If you think all dating apps are the same, you couldn’t be wrong. On one had, some people use all these apps and create different profiles i.e. one relationship profile, one hookup profile and one new to apps, not sure what I want profile. Not everyone does this but you should be aware it is not uncommon.
That said, look at the apps where people have met their partners on them. Chances are it’s on Hinge vs Tinder or even Grindr but that’s not to say some people on Hinge lie about intentions nor is it impossible to meet your soulmate on Tinder or Grindr but you should consider the odds while treating people as individuals vs interchangeable commodities.
The biggest mistake people make on Hinge is not filling out profile and not selecting filters. They often cast a wide open net which invites a lot of unwanted attention, people with different intentions and those who are indifferent about their preferences. Ideally people have standards, preferences and know what they want but that is not the case with people new to dating or are lookng for something casual.
Hinge is a free gay dating app. Sure, it’s not all free but you don’t really need to pay for filters, boosts, roses etc. if you know what you are doing, know how to screen profiles, read people and are patient.
The problem with Tinder and Grindr is that people can easily change or mask their locations roping in a lot of people from out of the area. This is worse if you live in a big city near an international airport. Hinge requires people to manually input their location and while peopel can certainly lie about location, on average, you are likely to get fewer false positives on it vs Tinder or Grindr.
If you look up gay matchmaking services, you will likely encounter 2-3 services, based overseas that claim to be the best yet these services won’t have a business listing nor any trusted reviews. Be cautious. These are often professional salespeople looking to take clients money. I actually turn down over 70% of inquiries as most people are either not ready to date, not willing to do the work or lack self-awarenss.
Along the same line as gay matchmaking services, most event organizers have no digital footprint in terms of business listings on Google or Yelp to hold them accountable. Sure you can meet someone at such an event but most won’t as they often attended by those you swiped left on or blocked on dating apps. Way too many people are too trusting of others when dating, including service providers.
Most of my clients are straight men and women but the fastest demographic of my audience is gay men. The biggest complaints I get are people who lie, waste their time, don’t know what they want or trying to screen profiles and read people. This skill set is pretty unique to most folks as other things in life are pretty quatifiable i.e. exercise this much to lose weight, study this much to get a good grade, eat this to improve health etc. but when it comes to dating, people often lack the soft skills needed to succeed.
Swiping more, spending more time on apps or responding to more folks often leads to diminishing returns. Setting and maintaining boundaries is an invaluable skill.
Often when I take on clients, I look at their dating life holistically from app choice, wardrobe, poses, facial expressions, filters, profile answers, hobbies, social circles and more. Focusing on one item like photos alone often is incomplete and rarely improves situations.
Don’t wait for people to like you first, be a driver in your own life
Expand hobbies, make friends, be happy on your own first
Look for contradictory signals i.e. intentions, missing/incomplete info, photos vs profile answers, messaging vs actions, etc.
Use more than 1 outlet to meet people including organic interactions at cafes, restaurants, bars, game nights, classes, volunteering and more.
There is a lot of noise to sift through, if it ever becomes too overwhelming, take a break from dating. As Marshawn Lynch would say, take care of your mentals.
Related Reads On Modern Dating By Eddie
Online Dating As A Gay Man, Using Dating Apps As A Gay Man, Using Hinge For Gay Dating, Is Bumble Good For Gay Dating, Gay Hookup Culture, Are Gay Dating Apps Only For Hookups, Best Gay Dating Apps, Gay Dating Culture, Gay Dating Scene, Free Gay Dating Sites, Local Gay Dating Sites, Grindr App Review, Grindr Dating Review, Hinge Gay Review, How To Meet Gay Men Without Online Dating, Online Dating Gay Site, Free Gay Dating Apps
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