swimming in a new pond

For the past three years, I have been on a personal journey to embark on exploring different career paths than the one I signed up for in college.

I decided that I was not cut out for the original route. There was constant resistance for the duration of my working years. At first, it was like shhh, if I just ignored these noises long enough, they would go away. And then they got louder and harder to ignore until my body was having a physical reaction to it, screaming to get out. I couldn’t do this for the rest of my life with my conscience still. The decision to exit was not a clean cut. It was long-drawn and confusing.

Constant debates, second-guesses, feelings about how I don’t deserve to think about trying a different career. And when I showed up in new spaces to discover a new option, feelings of insecurity, lack of having credentials and experience as a full-fledged adult abounded.

The hurdle of voicing your desire and claim ‘this is my dream’ is higher than I expected. You want to work in silence and not have anyone know it until progress is well-defined. You don’t want to fail in public and have yourself be seen as another flip-flop individual who doesn’t know what she wants and constantly jumps from one thing to another. I have pride and enough ego where I want to be seen as successful objectively. I am open enough to respect people’s decisions to pursue any option they want in life but am conventional enough to not want myself to be seen as “failing”. Above all over time, the fear of being mired in the same space pushed me to kickstart the change.

Every time I think about resorting to the easy option, I fret. I know at some point the novelty of a new job or environment will wear off like it has many times before. It is tempting to fall back on a known choice. So appealing and comforting. The price to pay for today’s ease is a long-term discomfort or lack of growth, not unlike the decision to skip the gym just because you don’t feel like it.

This exploratory path has been challenging, from not only inner uncertainty but also doubt from others. I made the mistake of announcing my decision a few years ago to too many people at once. Their reactions almost killed me.

Am I too old? Am I too crazy? Am I too dumb to choose this career? Why do I give up something that is (relatively) easy and (potentially) lucrative? Am I just too bored with my life? The questions go on and on.

But the journey has also been beautiful in unexpected ways. When you are on an “untraditional” path, there will be people who understand and respect your decision so deeply you wouldn’t even believe it. You will have to work harder to connect to people: cold outreach, bringing the topic up in conversations, scouring the internet for like-minded individuals. Nevertheless, there will be strangers who open their arms to help you without expecting anything in return. When you are in “student” mode, people can be wonderfully generous and kind. On days you don’t even believe in yourself, a stranger will look at you in the eyes and say

“If this is what you want to do, you will find a way to achieve it.”

Then there is the humility element. From being intermediate at something, you are at bottom of totem pole again. From being in an office room to being in an elementary school hall, a clinic or a hospital, I see real life concerns unfold. This is how the real world should feel to me. Being in these new spaces reminds me of the humanity and humility I need to succeed. Not many jobs are beneath me, and that life is fragile and difficult, for all of us.

I have always enjoyed interacting with the tangible aspects of life and I am grateful that I can try it for myself. Lots of sacrifices will have to be made. But it is okay if this is what I want to do.

Thank you for reading the Life with MD publication. I hope by writing this essay I can encourage you or anyone in your life who needs a little nudge to pursue something you have been wanting to, whether big or small. We deserve to try out different things and lead a life that is aligned to your interests/purpose.

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