how to get back to yourself

Hi friends,

I am currently writing this in between doing chores and running errands before I am back on my desk to study for an exam.
That is the usual schedule, if not more lax these days.

I have been reticent. Partly because I am busy, very busy with work, school, personal life, trying to keep everything in order.
Partly because I don't want to share my progress publicly. It feels vulnerable and unnecessary. I might come back to this topic on another day.

But I found the itch to write because I read a nice story by lina and that kicked something in me to write. I have been journaling more frequently the past few weeks, after dropping off for two months post vacation. We had the most splendid time in the Riviera between France and Italy. Once I got back to the US, I jumped into studying-grinding mode and never took a breather.

I also wrote my July intentions and one of which is to not lose more of myself to a career aka medicine, as much as it has taken from me - time, energy, focus, money. I woke up grateful every day that I get to pursue education and work in a field that I have dreamt about working for years. Even not too long ago, it felt like a pipe dream. I watched some old videos where I filmed my life in 2023. I was facing obstacles after obstacles and the common question was “How could I even overcome this?” “What gave me the confidence?”

The answer is delusion and tenacity. The truth is I applied to 200 clinical jobs to get my first acceptances. I had no background in what I wanted to pursue and no local connections. In addition, I was split between keeping my IT job, going back to school to do pre-requisites and gaining clinical experience, research, shadowing, volunteering, etc.

It has been a challenging and lonely journey even though I feel more empowered every month. Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but realize how much of my old self is being put sideways to make room for medicine. I stopped taking French because my schedule did not allow for it. My mental capacity for writing and reading sharply reduced after studying science courses 25+ hours a week. I threw out my sourdough starter last month after two years of keeping it alive and baking something once a week. My sourdough starter is raging metaphor for the official abandonment of the old self!

I miss my hobbies and some of the freedom I used to have dearly. Instead of full send with my plethora of activities like before, I have been spending little moments with journaling to regain bits of myself. Journaling has helped guide me in ways that I did not know it could. I regained the curiosity with reading. It helped me reflect on my journey and what truly matters at the end of the day. It reminded me of who I am and my core values as a form of written reinforcement.

As a first step, I am practicing do things good enough instead of perfect. I want to accomplish my tasks and big goals but also to make time for fun and connections.

I also hope this acts as a reminder for you if you need to get back to yourself - whether because of a breakup, a move, a demanding job or school program, it is a priority to connect with what sparks joy and inspiration.

All my love,

MD

Thank you for reading the Life with MD publication. Please subscribe for more future writing.

Leave me a comment below, I always read them :)

Leave a comment