On the benefits of bad behavior.

I have a lot of friends who started smoking again on the other side of motherhood (or on the other side of other, often fraught, new identities: entering the C-suite, becoming a divorcée, etc.). Among my mom friends we would often joke about the imagined smoky blend of their next let down (if they were still breastfeeding), or the judgement they likely faced as they were seen lighting up as they walked away from school drop-off. With others, it would be years into motherhood when the need re-emerged, seemingly out of nowhere. But not really.

What I think makes smoking so enticing above other go-to bad habits is that 1) you get to be “bad” in a way that feels safe—you are comfortable with the level of risk involved (it’s a slow burn really), it isn’t mood altering or illegal... And 2) it is entirely for you, the you who was there long before motherhood, and who (despite expectations) continues to exist long after. The you that you are made to feel guilty for still giving oxygen to because she doesn’t seem to carry any of the weight when it comes to upholding the mantle of motherhood. If anything, perhaps she sometimes makes it harder.

I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore and I haven’t started again, but I still have found my own catalysts for this kind of escape-in-plain-sight in my new-ish mom era. And I’m not sharing what the particulars are (at this time at least) because it’s mine—just mine—and I think that mine-ness is a crucial part of it. So much of mothering and parenting is done publicly, and under constant scrutiny. Having a darkened, delicious corner of ourselves that no one gets to monitor, let alone see, can be essential, and is an end unto itself.

And perhaps here is where I lose some of you (if I haven’t already by talking about people smoking while breastfeeding): I think that having a few bad habits actually makes us better parents. There is a dance that all parents are always doing between surrender (to the new) and preservation (of the old). That tension, that both-things-can-be-true of it all allows us to be both bear and cub—both nurturer and nurtured, fixed and growing—and that duality, I believe, is what keeps us whole. What we need in motherhood is less abandonment and more integration; less singularity and more space for ambiguity and complexity. Less imprisonment in some joyless idea of parenthood as sacrificial purity, and more expansive, confused wandering in the plane of our personal identity.

So allow me to support you, my burgeoning, long-established, or just-about-to-become mothers with, of all things, a round-up of stuff. Just some everyday pleasures that are only meant for you, and in that way, feel a bit like smoking, but without the drag. As a reminder, I may earn commission on these things at no cost to you, which allows me to keep this work free :)

• A perfectly sheer shirt or tee. See through shirts are my favorite silent act of provocation. It’s easy to forget that you’re even showing so much skin because you are technically covered, which makes you nonchalant and therefore gives the appearance of confidence, which in turn only further boosts your overall aura (this is science lol). I picked this particular shirt because silk organza is one of my favorite fabrics of all time—filmy and sheer, but with teeth. I would wear this with jeans and an interesting flat to pick up my daughter without a second thought. If silk feels too precious for you, there is also this less sheer option from Reformation that has an alluring little sheen to it at a lower price point. It just squeaks by my no poly guideline because it is still 86% Lyocell (below 85% and it would have gotten the axe).

• Mothering Myths: An ABC of Art, Birth and Care on BookShop.org, Target, and Amazon. A beautiful, complex compendium on representations of motherhood. Seeing motherhood from a bird’s eye view reminds me that I am not crazy and that it is our culture that needs mood stabilizers.

• This bra makes me feel like the sexiest woman alive. I don’t care what I am wearing it under—a t-shirt or a turtleneck—the elongated bustier-like finish is like a pinch of salt to your underpinnings, it adds so much flavor to a foundational piece that would otherwise just be a neutral ride-along (I also love Cuup’s high waisted undies, they are a great segue from all of your postpartum chonies.)

• Matrescence: On Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood anyone who read my second post knows how I feel about this book—it is essential reading to contextualize the identity upheaval of motherhood. Please make space for this! Here it is on BookShop.org and Amazon.

• Really fucking joy inducing pajamas. You get to spend money on this, you do not have to default to whatever castoffs are laying about and making you feel like a slug when you wear them. And whatever joy-inducing means to you, whether that’s: classic crisp cotton pajama set or with a lady vibe or whimsical details, or the charming juxtaposition of their silk counterparts; something in linen or more modern (I happen to have four pairs of these) or modern and splurgy. My personal preference, romantic white cotton night dresses à la a Victorian ghost, like this, this, this, this or this (the splurgiest of the group). And while I love bands like Döen and Christy Dawn who embody this Victorian ghost spirit 365 days a year, there is absolutely no need to give them $400+ for something like this—though if I was to spend that much, this Caio Lucia dress is the one that I would buy.

• Do you know about candle warmers? If not, allow me to enlighten you—no flame, a timer, and a major stretch on the longevity of your favorite nice candle to tamp down the aroma of diapers, dirty dishes, and any guilt you have over buying said nice candle. This is an essential household purchase, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Here are a few cheap & cheerful options on Amazon: solid black, marble (less cheap), an homage to 60’s modernism but some mixed reviews.

• And do you know about Dyptique’s car diffusers? Depending on who you talk to, this is either an absolute indulgence or an an essential accompaniment for endless hours shuttling progeny and pets and groceries and whatever else in your car. If you talk to me, I will tell you the latter. If you talk to someone who doesn’t believe in corporeal or aesthetic need, they will probably endorse the former. My favorite scent is Ambre, but for some reason you can only purchase this as a refill, so I would order the Orange Blossom linked above and an Ambre for my next refill. BUT if you would rather not spend quite so much, Pura also sells smart car diffusers—and have a variety of scents—but full disclosure I have never tried these, the price is less prohibitive for taking a risk though.

• Journalling instead of: doing the dishes, an aimless scroll, another useless toy pick-up, or any other jag of responsibility. Organizing and unloading your own thoughts is being responsible (to and for yourself) even if you never have, even if you don’t feel like you have the time, even if the idea makes your skin crawl. Literally spending just 5 minutes (you can even set your timer) filling a few pages has immeasurable benefits to your mental health, your ability to untangle complex feelings, and to record a rare and fleeting time in your life (so says me). Here are some options that will make it pretty, and therefore pretty enticing:

  • This refillable year-rounder, specifically in this rich emerald croc finish is very lady and kind of who I aspire to be. You can also personalize it.

  • This classic refillable leather option with a wrap around strap feels very Parisian cafe/Before Sunrise/Sunset/Midnight trilogy coded—the kind you would be holding as you stub out your proverbial cigarette. I only like the black and the natural leather because to me the tonal strap is a non-negotiable/it feels a little lazy that the other colors don’t match with the wrap around leather. And a comp on Amazon with the same note on tonality.

  • Moglea Prue Journal I love that these are actually hand painted, and linen-bound in case you are not a fan of leather.

  • A minimalist 365 numbered notebook

  • Filofax is my Amazon option, they are classic and offer a wide variety of materials and price points, whether you shop their refillable organizers or their notebooks.

  • And a classic pen, chic in its simplicity, that lets the writing do the talking (here it is on Amazon). PS it is very, very cheap so you won’t be bummed when they all inevitably go missing.

Now I’ll leave you with this poem (below) as a reminder that you are doing great and an until soon my milky friends,

xoMB