What’s on My Speakers is what’s coming through my speakers when I’m cooking, resting, writing, working, and just existing in general. Music and sound are a huge part of my life, and they deserve more attention than I usually give them. SOUND TRIP is a continuing subseries of playlists I make.
Happy birthday to me! Last July 11, that is. My self-diagnosed autistic brain has me stressed out from everything that’s happened since last month’s playlist, but thinking about it now, it really wasn’t a lot. My birthday blues just clouded over my emotions, and my physical and mental health followed suit.
Still focusing on the positive, still leading with hope, still meditating the blues away. But at the start of July, I still really wasn’t feeling like celebrating my birthday—which is definitely not like me at all. I grew up with birthday parties every year, and it’s honestly something I look forward to annually. This current playlist got me through my birthday and then some, though.
“WDA (Whole Different Animal)” by aespa with G-DRAGON was doing a whole lot of heavy lifting last month in terms of helping me remember who I really am underneath my anxiety and depression. It is what it is—they be like, who’s she? She’s a whole different animal. Just a constant reminder that my feelings aren’t facts, and that I’ve survived worse than whatever it is I’m dealing with right now.
And while I hadn’t really fought with anyone—except for my patient husband—last month, I found that certain aggressive-sounding songs pumped me up in the mornings. “BITCH” by Lizzo is shaping up to be one of my 2026 favorites, and “COME SAY SUM” by Lauren Sanderson with Fred Durst (yes, that Fred Durst!) has surprisingly become a mainstay on my speakers.
Other songs with this same fake-it-’til-you-make-it energy include “CRUISING TO SELF SOOTHE” by Ecca Vandal, “Beg For Me - JADE Remix” by Lily Allen with JADE, and “SIREN” by Tierra Whack.
Starting my July playlist with “Birthday” by Selena Gomez seems to be a tradition I’m maintaining for SOUND TRIP. Tell them that it’s my birthday. I think I was listening to this song as I dressed up to go and get my first-ever mammogram—July 10 was the earliest appointment I could schedule, and my new OB-GYN was already concerned that I’d never had it done. (I didn’t realize it was supposed to be an annual thing at my age.) All of this explanation just to mention that the staff at Steinberg Diagnostic Medical Imaging (SDMI) were the first to greet me with “happy birthday!” My birthday was, of course, in my medical record; so every time I spoke with someone—from the receptionist to the nurse and the X-Ray tech, and even other patients who overheard our conversations—I got a smile and an enthusiastic greeting. The receptionist even gave me a squeeze toy with SDMI emblazoned on top, but shaped like a birthday cake.
My husband, who was worried that I would find the mammogram painful, took me out for coffee and a shared pastry afterward. We went to Dark Moon, our favorite coffee shop. I felt like my birthday blues dissipated a little when we were at SDMI, and the coffee date helped carry that feeling further. Other songs that helped me celebrate my birthday include “PARTY” by Goldi Boutillier; “Nobody Speak Part 2” by DJ Shadow with Run The Jewels, Denzel Curry, and TiaCorine; “Talk On The Hill” by WILLOW; and “Into the Sun” by BTS.
On the day itself, I still didn’t want to celebrate. By this, I mean that I didn’t want to do the usual—since we’ve moved to Vegas, I’ve started some birthday traditions: going to certain shops to pick up birthday freebies, having Korean BBQ for dinner, etc. I just wanted to stay home. I didn’t feel like spending money on myself, especially since I was still unemployed and not earning anything. I was still burning out, as another song in my playlist goes. “Burning Out” by The Linda Lindas helped me make space for my negative feelings, although I don’t think anyone in that band could understand my complicated grown-up emotions yet. “Stuff I Don’t Need - Gabriel Garzón-Montano Rework” by Kimbra with Gabriel Garzón-Montano is more my speed, age-wise, and so it’s also on this playlist.
I also woke up feeling physical pain—while I was sleeping, an ingrown hair cyst situated somewhere very uncomfortable started to hurt and swell. I took it as a sign to stay indoors, and also as the Universe giving me a small and insignificant injury to take care of instead of worrying about my future and the state of my life overall. What a kind gesture and a thoughtful present for my birthday! I missed Loaf a whole lot on my birthday, too. “What if I miss you for the rest of my life? - Live in the Studio” by Janine Berdin has been my song for that particular flavor of grief.
Other songs that help me make space for my negative emotions include “the cure” by Olivia Rodrigo, “Mannequin” by Paris WYA, “Didn’t I” by Ruth B., “Judith” by Banshee, “Bluffin’” by Joji with The Kid LAROI, “SINK” by Sophie Truax, “Mizayaki” by Paris Paloma, and “Everything All The Time” by Maddie Zahm. That last one also has been doing a lot of heavy lifting, like that aespa song with G-DRAGON. I feel like the Maddie Zahm track perfectly explains my mental state this 2026 (and even parts of 2025). I know the world ain’t ending, but it kinda feels like that; I used to be an optimist, but shit got really bad.
As is typical of my SOUND TRIP playlists, there’s usually a handful of songs that I add because I need a daily reason to dance in front of the mirror in my office or the bathroom. My awkward dancing reminds me that there’s more to life than worrying about what could go wrong and what already has gone wrong. It reminds me that joy and awe exist. That’s not to say that there weren’t moments of joy and awe in July for me! I just access those feelings better when I’m dancing by myself.
“IDESERVEIT” by NMIXX has been part of my life’s soundtrack since my sister-in-law surprised me with BTS tickets last May as an “early birthday gift.” It was also playing on my speakers right before my birthday as I prepared for not one, but two consecutive Zoom meetings with an organization that might be interested in hiring me. Although I needed to listen to “Caution” by NMIXX with Anderson.Paak right after… just to temper my hope with what could be a reality that ends with my hands empty.
I danced to “Lucky Star” by Madonna a few days after my birthday when multiple packages arrived on my doorstep from one of my close online friends—I’ve never met C in person, but we’ve known each other since our Livejournal days—even though I didn’t post a link to an Amazon birthday list this year, like I usually do. I kept on telling her that she “didn’t need to,” so much so that she called me out on it. I love my friends so much!
Other songs that I danced to last month include “LEMONADE (Zedd Remix)” by aespa with Zedd, “2 LOVE” by STAYC. “(not)shygirl” by SHNTI, “BOOMPALA” by LE SSERAFIM, and “Motto” by ITZY. Regarding the last one—finally, a great song from ITZY! I don’t like it as much as “Imaginary Friend,” but this track really sounds like a mature version of the girl group I discovered back in 2021.
Photo by Chris Jarvis on Unsplash
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