What Is ‘Cocktail Attire’?

My wife and I have been invited to a wedding, which will take place next weekend. We received a fancy, formal invitation in the mail, which contained this note: “Cocktail Attire Requested.”

“What’s ‘cocktail attire’?” I asked my wife.

She replied, “Well, I’ll wear a dress and … you won’t.”

“Wasn’t planning on it … this time,” I noted. (We employ a lot of ellipses in our conversations, by the way.)

We concluded that “cocktail attire” is somewhere between formal — tuxedos and floor-length gowns — and casual — jeans and golf shirts. But does that mean I can wear jeans with a tuxedo jacket? Or tuxedo pants (with that weird movie theater usher stripe down the side of each leg) plus a dirty gray tee-shirt?

I remember the “bad ol’ days,” when cocktails were the main focus of my life. Quite often my attire while guzzling cocktails consisted of gym shorts, flip-flops, a Red Sox cap, sunglasses, and no shirt. Then, in the summer, I would dress even more casually.

Based on my personal history, the term “cocktail attire” has no real meaning, since I was quite adept at drinking heavily no matter what I was wearing, or not wearing.

My wife said that she would wear a regular dress, but not a formal floor-length gown. I offered to wear my old stand-by, which has served me well since I quit drinking during the Reagan Administration: white button-down collar shirt, khaki pants, blue sports jacket, and brown loafers. (After many, many years, I suppose I should consider getting a new sports jacket. I’m not saying the one I have now is snug, but I can no longer get the buttons to come within eight inches of the appropriate button holes.)

Out of curiosity, I looked up online to see if there is a definition of “cocktail attire.” This is what I found: “Cocktail attire is a semi-formal dress code balancing elegance and comfort. It typically requires a suit and tie for men, and a knee-length, midi dress or a dressy jumpsuit for women, avoiding both casual clothes like jeans and ultra-formal wear like tuxedos or floor-length gowns.”

Whoa, wait a minute. A suit and tie for men? I have a charcoal gray suit in the back of the closet that may or may not fit. And I have a couple of ties, somewhere. But in my mind, that is ultra formal attire. Tuxedos? They are not even on my radar, since I rented a tuxedo exactly twice in my life. Once for the Junior Prom in high school, and the jacket was actually pink, no lie. But I have diplomatic immunity because it was the 1970s — “The Decade that Fashion Forgot” — so I can’t be held responsible. The other time I rented a tux was for my brother’s wedding. It was the traditional black jacket, black pants (with that weird movie theater usher stripe down each leg), black shoes, black tie, plus a white shirt. But that was over four decades ago, and I know for a fact that I will never, ever wear a tuxedo again, so that’s not even an option. To me, a suit and tie is the height of formal attire, and the next time I plan to be dressed that way is when I’m on display in a box.

So, there is no way that I will agree that a suit and tie is classified as “cocktail attire.” The blue sports jacket, white shirt, khakis, and NO tie is more than enough, in my opinion. If my nephew and his new bride have a problem with that, then I’ll just have to play the senile Boomer Geezer card.

My wife reminded me the wedding is at a very fancy beach club in an upscale Connecticut shoreline town. Beach club? In early September? Well, that settles it. I am going to wear the most appropriate “cocktail attire” possible for that environment: flip-flops, Red Sox cap, sunglasses, no shirt, and my favorite Speedo.

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(The humor column “A Matter of Laugh or Death” appeared weekly for 24 years in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT.)

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