Hey, It's Hop-a-long CRASH-idy!

For a few years now, this thought has haunted me: Falling down will be my downfall.

It’s a fact that falling down has destroyed the lives of more senior citizens than online scams. At least when that Nigerian prince offers to split his vast wealth if you provide your bank account numbers, people have the option to ignore the offer and hit the delete key. However, at the moment when some gray-haired guy or gal reaches a 45-degree angle and continues to accelerate toward the floor, ignoring gravity is not an option. There is no “reset” key that will immediately put him or her back in the upright and locked position.

Recently, my sister sent me a link to a short video of comedian Brad Upton. He was discussing the fact that for his whole life he has been putting on and taking off his pants while standing up. It was the simplest thing in the world. But now that he’s a senior citizen, he realized that putting on his pants while standing is dangerous. This is how he described it: “You hook a toe, and it’s two hops and a crash.”

He’s right. Most seniors don’t even need to snag a toe on a pant leg to lose their balance. Our official default setting is now “Teetering.” Other standard settings are squinting while driving at night, and saying, “What?!” whenever someone else speaks.

If I snag a toe halfway through putting on my pants while standing, the “two hops and a crash” will result in the following: 911 call, ambulance ride to the ER, surgery (hip and/or shoulder and/or wrist and/or skull), orthopedic rehab, wheelchair, walker, then cane. After about six months, the doctors will declare me healed, but my body will know better. At that point, I will not have aged six months; I will have aged at least a full decade.

Right now, people occasionally say to me, “Wow, Bill, you don’t look like you’re almost 70!” (I assume they mean I appear a bit younger than my age, but I’m not about to ask for clarification for fear they’ll tell the truth.) However, if I experience “two hops and a crash” plus the ensuing medical ordeal, I know that if people say to me at that time, “Wow, Bill, you don’t look like you’re almost 70!” what they’ll be thinking is, Yeow, I thought you were in your 80s!

I’m sure at this point some people want to warn me: “Bill, I can’t believe you’re writing about this topic! You’re gonna jinx yourself. How would you feel if you fell and broke a bone the same day this essay is posted on Substack?”

Um, if I fall and break a bone, I’m pretty sure the ironic timing of an online essay will be the furthest thing from my mind. I believe how I will feel at that moment can be summarized by what I will be saying at that moment, “OWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Gimme drugs! NOW!!”

I look at it differently. By writing about this fearful scenario, I just might be protecting myself from it actually happening. To give you an example, over the years I’ve written about a lot of things that I wish would occur: get a lot of paid subscribers, have a large publishing house actually reply to one of my book proposals, and make the New York Times bestseller list. None of those things have come true, so I figure writing about falling and breaking some bones may be the best way to guard against it happening.

Or maybe not. Who knows? The one thing I do know is, I have to be vigilant. I have to make sure I don’t put myself in a dangerous situation where I might fall. (Although the list of dangerous situations probably includes “standing” and “walking.”)

For starters, I should never again put on my pants while standing. I can’t risk experiencing “two hops and a crash.” Also, I should try to be more optimistic. Maybe, just maybe, falling down will not be my downfall. After all, there are dozens of other things that could take me out first!

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(The humor column “A Matter of Laugh or Death” appeared weekly for 24 years in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT.)

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