The Ritual of Putting it Back Together

I’ve been in NY just shy of 3 weeks. I change my home address in maps to the 4th location in 2 months. I chart the trains and shit-lined streets with my dog, avoiding wet asphalt and the smell of hot piss emanating from all corners of the park. We’ve never been so dirty.

I hop the L to visit Benet at Brain Dead next door to the TikTok crazed lattes. I ride the G to meet Grace and Bella at donation-based yin reminiscent of my previous home studio Tough Love (RIP). I meet Cori at the Chelsea galleries full of beautiful work amidst the shit my brain has no space to try and figure out. I find Becca in Forte Green and sit it on Cal’s artist fellows talk.

I walk Bilbo in McCaren around the track so he can purvey the hacky sack group for the 7th time. I am of witness to Hudson’s beautiful process around a traveling film lab for the Zach Bryan tour. I travel upstate with Tati — courted around the Hudson Valley like the true passenger princess that I am thanks to the most gracious Mel.

I meet clients all across town — a fan tuan roll in hand, Queer Tarot guiding my spirit, and Sam Wilkes soothing my demeanor from overload. My spirit is playing catch up to the pace of this life. I clunkily load my backpack in prep for what the day might have in store for me. What could I possibly need? Where will I end up? Can baby dog manage the heat if I end up across town with a 40 minute commute back home?

I look out at the city from the rooftop of my climbing gym — the twinkling lights of cars and trains and bikes fluttering about. I choose to sit in the sauna on a Saturday night and observe the city around me, loud. It’s like looking back in time — old versions of myself littered throughout the city that I’ll never be able to replicate even if I tried. My body and spirit commit to uncharted terrain, reckoning with the carefree matrices of my 20s come and gone.

I build my days with curiosity. I’ve never had as much freedom to move as I do now. A practice in presence, patience, and going out and getting what I want. I’ve been sprinkling mobility into my practice as long as I’ve been freelancing; a myriad of disparate paths since 2017. Never quite knowing why I’ve had so many jobs, until now.

I first came to NY as a traveling nanny for an Astros pitcher. That was 8 years ago; those kids now my family. Little did I know that year 1 of that job would bring me to the World Series with a big W. I was laughingly out of place amongst the baseball wives, wearing a royal blue pant suit after visiting the Louise Bourgeois exhibit at MoMa. I sat a few seats down from Kate Upton during that playoff series and pretended not to eavesdrop about the hottest lesbian goss between Taylor Swift and Karli Kloss.

Coming to this city is being faced with success with a capital S pretty aggressively. The last few years have been hard — like really hard. I’m at this crux where everything in my life completely disintegrated. I felt an unbelievable amount of defeat leaving Atlanta. I lost, illuminated, the ways support was slipping through the cracks. Spirit told me to go, with my own work, and I’m here.

Each day I wake up and ask God for support. I ask the universe to show me the signs to get through the day. Whispers of a life I’ve always dreamed of are floating into my awareness.

I’m not here to tell you that doing the thing you want is easy. I’ve never understood expansion to be even remotely close to easy. Pursuing my truth has been the most humbling process I’ve connected in to. I sat around for a long time waiting for someone to present me with the life I wanted to live. That never happened. I now understand a life worth living to be one that I continue to seek out, a practice Iike anything else.

I know that people back home underestimate my potential, and I’ll let them. The more time I spend trying to prove to anyone but myself that this is worthwhile, I’ve lost the thread.

I putter around this city listening to Bonnie Raitt so I remember where I came from. I anxiously show up new spaces talking to new faces. I go to bed at night unknowing of what the next day will bring. I’m proud of myself and utterly grateful for you all. Thank you, really.

I’m popping up at the Bushwick Print Lab on 7/26 from 2-8 with Becca and Cal. I’ve got candles, sticker, a few prints, 1 sweatshirt. I may play around with some tanks this week. I’d love to see you! Beyond this, I’ve got tarot sessions in-person for those in NYC and virtually for the rest of you.

Xoxo

Meredith

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