I See Myself Again

Dear Reader,

I miss you. I’ve been working diligently on applications the last 3 months — grants, artist proposals, contract work, and brand kits. I feel very grateful that I’ve had the bandwidth to do so, although it takes a very specific part of my brain to knock it out.

I don’t consider January to be the new year. It’s my birthday. It’s a time for deep rest. It’s quiet so I can get a lot of behind the scenes work done — a healthy combination of imagination and concrete planning for the path ahead. I give myself the space to apply, draw, read things, and watch movies with my dog. I spend time with loved ones, most importantly, myself.

It’s one of my favorite months to get small and clear. I surrender to all that is ready to be cast out in order to make space for all that is floating in just beyond the horizon. I feel those things deeply now, long before they are seen. This last year strengthened my relationship with faith.

I See Myself Playlist

What has become incredibly clear to me while wintering this season is the beautiful realization that I see myself again. I look at myself in the mirror, the light in my eyes resurfaced. I feel the purpose ignited in my stomach every morning when I wake up. Spirit drops downloads into my awareness with repetition and an annoying persistence of how and when to get things done.

It’s been 6 years since the pandemic took hold of us. It’s been 8 years since I left an abusive relationship. It’s been 21 months since I gave up alcohol. It’s been 4 years since I started unmasking. It’s been 9 months since I left my old home. It’s been 2 years since I came out as nonbinary. It’s been 10 years of freelancing. I see how all of the micro adjustments planted me into a place in my body that is full of hope. I see how all of the choices I make each day impact the way I live my life.

Through all of the hardship, the biggest accomplishment I gained this last year was meeting myself again. I dusted her off, sat with her, gave her a hug, and brought her back into the light. I found her to be kind, sensitive, and earnest. I found her to be nervous, waiting for someone like me, me, to find her and tell her I’m here to make it right.

It reminded me that it’s easier to love something from far away than it is to love something up close. It’s easier to love a person on the internet, a celebrity of sorts, than it is to love someone that we actually know. It’s easier to love the idea of something, someone, than it is to love something, someone, in practice. It’s easier to show that person love than it is to show myself love.

So much of my work the last several years lead me out into the world — the street, the forest, a community that wasn’t mine. It was easier for me to be in conflict with something I didn’t understand because I had something to prove. It was easier for me to be justified in my actions when they were being witnessed by others who also wanted to be justified in theirs.

I’m reminded that if we turn our gaze inward and cast love back into the bits of shame, we practice loving what is hard to love. I reassure myself that it’s okay to face what has caused me pain so that when something inevitably causes me pain again, I am better equipped to handle it. I have restored faith with myself that this lifetime is hard and good. I have restored faith with myself so that I have more to offer to what is worthwhile.

After all of this time, I see myself with conviction.

This is the work of a lifetime.

This is the work of a lifetime.

This is the work of a lifetime.

This is the work of a revolution.

As always,

With Care. Free Palestine. Abolish ICE. Take your Time. We Take Care of Us.

Meredith

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