Ask a Domme: How can I be a confident Domme?

This week in Ask a Domme, I’ll tell you how to reconcile kink/sex when both partners have different needs, how to enter Dommespace when you’re not feeling confident, and what questions I would ask a potential partner

Ask a Domme is a biweekly column where I accept anonymous questions about BDSM, power dynamics, femdom, Female-Led Relationships, and all things kink from my readers.

I have been in a happy, committed relationship for almost 20 years. BDSM has been a fundamental part of my identity for as long as I can remember—I have a deep passion for shibari, bondage, leather, and latex. My greatest dream and deepest desire is to experience long-term chastity.

However, these elements are rarely a part of our life. I strive to be a supportive partner, focusing heavily on my wife’s emotional well-being; yet, when it comes to my kink identity, I feel profoundly unaccepted. While my wife has her own interests in BDSM, she seems to have an aversion to mine. A major point of misunderstanding is that she doesn’t see that BDSM and sex can be separate; sometimes I crave BDSM activities without any sexual conclusion, and other times I want pure intimacy without any kink involved. This disconnect has severely impacted our bedroom life. Because of this feeling of rejection and the pressure to perform, our encounters are rare. When we do connect, I find myself unable to fully satisfy her. This is particularly painful for me because performing cunnilingus is something I truly love to do and give to her, but my psychological blocks are currently standing in the way.

I feel a desperate need for change. I want to find fulfillment in this essential part of my personality, but I also deeply want to provide my wife with the satisfaction she deserves.

How can I explain to my wife that BDSM and sex can exist independently of each other? How can I navigate her aversion to my fetishes, like my dream of wearing a chastity cage, without causing more distance? Is there a way for us to align our different BDSM needs so that we can both feel truly fulfilled and seen?

I appreciate that it’s hard to unpack two decades of a relationship into one letter, and I’m sorry that it seems that both of you have felt unfulfilled for different reasons, but I wonder in the history of the relationship how this has developed. Did you start off open about your kinks, only to share them over time? Twenty years is a long time to feel unseen in something this important. It’s also a long time for a pattern to set, and renegotiating it now means you’re both tired before the conversation starts.

You’ve described feeling rejected, your inability to satisfy her, and your kink frustration as one tangled problem. They’re connected, but they aren’t the same problem. Your psychological blocks during sex aren’t going to lift if and when she accepts your kinks. If cunnilingus is something you love and something she loves, give it to her tomorrow. Don’t make it conditional on resolving anything else. Pleasure doesn’t need to be earned through alignment on chastity.

On BDSM existing separately from sex: you’re correct. But your wife understanding this distinction in theory won’t help you if she’s averse to your specific kinks.

Have a concrete conversation instead. Don’t pitch her on the idea that kink can be non-sexual. Pick one specific thing that might genuinely interest her and propose that. A long shibari session where you tie her up, nothing sexual, just rope. An evening where she gives you orders around the house. Find one thing where your interests and her curiosity overlap, and play together with no expectations.

On chastity specifically, you can’t bring someone into chastity who doesn’t want to participate. If she’s truly opposed, you can wear a cage on your own time, hold your own key, and enjoy the kink privately.

You’ve told me your wife has her own BDSM interests, and you haven’t said what they are. That’s where I’d point you. Right now you’re both waiting for the other person to bend first, when you say all you want is to please her. Listen without arguing for your dreams in return. Meet her there fully for a while. Once she feels seen in her own kinks, she has more room to consider yours.

Submit a Question

I'm in a long-term relationship with a submissive man, and I want to experiment more with service-based domination and body worship. However, I struggle a lot with body-image issues and worry about being too demanding or selfish. We've talked in-depth about his and my limits, and he's made it clear that he wants to serve me, but because of my own insecurities (and what I suspect is some internalized misogyny surrounding the importance of female pleasure) I have a hard time getting into the right headspace to tell him to do what I really want or be a confident domme.

I want to get out of my own head so that I can actually put some fantasies into practice! Do you have any tips for overcoming this hesitance, getting into "dommespace," or ways to practice building confidence for scenes?