The other day, I stumbled across an Instagram reel from the psychologist Lisa Damour. It was titled: “Raising a Teen or Tween? You Need These Five Phrases.” I love Lisa — in fact I recently interviewed her for a story I just wrote — and I love the phrases she highlights in this video:
Man, that stinks! When kids complain, they often want empathy, Lisa says. This is a great line to use to offer validation.
Do you want my help or do you just want to vent? Similar to #1, this gets at the fact that kids often don’t want guidance — they want to unload. If they do want help, this question gives them the opportunity to voice that.
Is there anything I can do that won’t make this worse? When a kid is struggling and we offer suggestions, we often get in the way, Lisa explains. This phrase says: “I’m here and invested, but I appreciate that I can get annoying sometimes when I’m trying to help.”
Don’t worry about getting caught; worry about whether you or somebody else could get hurt. This is a great phrase if your kids are going out at night, she says. It keeps the emphasis on safety, where it should be.
What’s getting in the way? This is a helpful thing to say if you have a kid who’s not doing what they’re supposed to be doing, Lisa says. This phrase communicates that you’re teaming up with them rather than coming down on them.
After hearing Lisa’s five wonderful phrases, I thought about what I frequently say to my kids, who are 11 and 15. I thought it would be fun to share them here. These may not be helpful for you — every family is different — but I do find them helpful myself. These can apply to younger school-aged kids, too.
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