Entry #32

Sunday, 27 August 2023

10.45am

I know it’s a weekend and I know this is meant to be a working diary but I just want to quickly write that last night we watched the film adaptation of Philippe Besson’s novel Lie With Me (Arrête avec tes mensonges in the original French) and it was so brilliant it’s given me a bit of a crisis. And this isn’t easy to admit but it’s left me feeling a bit jealous.

I think part of the reason is that Besson is a gay author who explores similar themes to me. Lie With Me is about an older writer who goes back to his hometown to make a speech at a big civic event, only to be confronted by memories of his teenage affair with another boy – and to discover how it has unravelled. I loved the book and it was rightly celebrated and acclaimed. But the film version is even better. And it’s left me wishing that the film of The Secret Life of Albert Entwistle would actually get made – and wondering if it hasn’t because it just isn’t as good as Lie With Me. And maybe I’m just not that talented as a writer.

I know it will pass, and my anxiety is probably exacerbated by the fact that I had a bad night’s sleep: tiredness is always my enemy when it comes to self-belief and keeping the fire burning. I’ve no doubt my self-belief will return but when it does, I suspect it may be accompanied by a sense of frustration that whatever I do – and however hard I try – I just can’t seem to break through.

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At least I saw a brilliant film. And I’m very happy it got made. The more queer-themed stories that make it through in any medium can only be a good thing. First of all, they help improve attitudes and increase acceptance and understanding, which can only have a positive impact on the real lives of so many queer people. But, as a sideline, they can also make mainstream society more receptive for the kind of stories I write. What’s that saying? ‘A rising tide lifts all boats.’ I’ve no idea who came up with it but I’m holding onto it today.

Monday, 28 August 2023

10.30am

It’s a later start today as it’s a Bank Holiday so the gym wasn’t open till 8. But I’m grateful to report that my self-belief is back!

Last night, Harry and I watched another gay film – another one that explores similar territory to my work – this one a Cold War romance set in the Soviet airforce called Firebird. Although I really enjoyed it and thought it was lovingly, artfully and sensitively made, it failed to deliver in the last fifteen minutes, not quite capitalising on the enforced end of the forbidden love affair between a fighter pilot and a young private and didn’t deliver the emotional punch I was expecting. So I didn’t feel despondent but galvanised. Especially when I searched for articles about the film and found out that the young lead – a British actor called Tom Prior – was the driving force behind it, securing investment and redrafting the script with the director. I’m always inspired by drive and determination. Hell, my first ever inspiration was Madonna!

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Anyway, Firebird and the story behind it have helped me get over my little wobble. Well, that and a direct message I received on Instagram from a reader of Albert Entwistle. I’m lucky to receive these a lot – as I should have pointed out in my previous entry about the benefits of social media – and this was one of those that has a personal element. ‘THANK YOU,’ wrote the reader. ‘I’ve just finished reading your Secret Life of Albert Entwistle novel. Some of it could be about me. I’m the same age as Albert. All the references made to how he kept his sexuality secret, changing subject etc I did all the time. I pass as straight so it was easy if painful to do. I came out in my forties so twenty years before Albert. However, I didn’t have a teenage love to search for. Sadly, my partner of 16 years took his own life last September after a lifelong battle with depression and alcohol. I’ve had to have counselling and still think of him every day even though the alcohol made him impossible to live with in the end… Thanks again. I’ll be reading more of your books now I’ve enjoyed this one so much.’

Obviously, I replied to thank him for getting in touch and sharing his story and to wish him well. But it reminded me of all the lovely DMs and emails I’ve had since Albert Entwistle – and The Madonna of Bolton – were published; readers sharing their own stories and experiences to let me know how my writing resonated with them. And I’m only reprinting the message here so that readers can know just how much these can perk up authors, often when we really need it - often when we’re in a dark place. It’s certainly worked for me on this occasion. And made me determined to keep going – and do even better!

The Castle of Stories is out now, published by Pansy.