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Marek Omasta – Posts · Nov 12, 2025

Tech Spurt Quotes

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Marek Omasta · Marek Omasta

Here are quotes and transcripts from Tech Spurt's YouTube videos.

He's my favourite tech reviewer, authentic and down to earth.
He speaks a colourful northern English dialect and has a bit of a potty mouth.

As an Apple fanboy, I don't care much about most of the news and reviews.
I watch them for the comedy.

Tech Spurt – Recombu – Justin Bieber 1. Tech Spurt – Recombu – Justin Bieber 2. Tech Spurt – Recombu – Patient. Tech Spurt – 01 – Apology Fixed by AI. Tech Spurt – 02 – Cursed Doll. Tech Spurt – 03 – Bang Fucking Wrong – Shower. Tech Spurt – 04 – Book – Life of a Cockwomble. Tech Spurt – 05 – Google Pixel 8 vs Google Pixel 8 Pro. Tech Spurt – 06 – Still Shite. Tech Spurt – 07 – Thumbs Up. Tech Spurt – 08 – Suntanning under a Studio Light. Tech Spurt – 09 – With Beer. Tech Spurt – 10 – Mankini. Tech Spurt – 11 – Young Uncle Spurt with Hair. Tech Spurt – 12 – Veronica Closeup. Tech Spurt – 13 – Veronica. Tech Spurt – 14 – Mr Wanksock. Tech Spurt – 15 – Bussiness Card – YouTube Twat. Tech Spurt – 16 – Prepare for disappointment. Tech Spurt – Custom Wallpaper – Cock Drawing. Tech Spurt – Custom Wallpaper – Drunk 01. Tech Spurt – Custom Wallpaper – Drunk 02. Tech Spurt – Custom Wallpaper – JBL Earphones . Tech Spurt – Custom Wallpaper – Mr Wanksock. Tech Spurt – Drawing – Badger Riding a Camel. Tech Spurt – Drawing – Cock 01. Tech Spurt – Drawing – Cock 02. Tech Spurt – Drawing – Dog peeing on a cactus. Tech Spurt – Drawing – Hot Tub Something. Tech Spurt – Face Closeup 01. Tech Spurt – Face Closeup 02. Tech Spurt – Face Closeup 03 – No you bad little doggy. Tech Spurt – Face Closeup 04 – No rotating bezel action for you. Tech Spurt – Funny Hat 01 – Bag to Prevent Sunburn – Berlin. Tech Spurt – Funny Hat 02 – Bucket Hat. Tech Spurt – Funny Hat 03 – Blue Wig. Tech Spurt – Funny Hat 04 – Biker Bandana. Tech Spurt – iPhone – Covering Face with Hands. Tech Spurt – iPhone – Middle Finger. Tech Spurt – iPhone – Upset. Tech Spurt – iPhone – Whoa. Tech Spurt – iPhone – Wooo. Tech Spurt – Licking a OnePlus Phone – Between Teeth. Tech Spurt – Licking a OnePlus Phone. Tech Spurt – Licking Google Pixel. Tech Spurt – Licking Hands. Tech Spurt – Lookalike – The Hood from Thunderbirds. Tech Spurt – Paused Face 01. Tech Spurt – Paused Face 02. Tech Spurt – Paused Face 03. Tech Spurt – Paused Face 04. Tech Spurt – Paused Face 05 – Whoa. Tech Spurt – Paused Face 06. Tech Spurt – Paused Face 07 – Recombu. Tech Spurt – Selfie – Snapchat Filter 01 – Female. Tech Spurt – Selfie – Snapchat Filter 02 – Middle Finger. Tech Spurt – Selfie – With a Duck.

I think I've watched every episode of Tech Spurt Weekly (71h 7m),
along with other vids, and every single Recombu Quickie (2h 45m),
from a review site he used to work for.

Below, you'll find bits I found funny or worth sharing:
Original expressions (especially similes), jokes, responses to viewer comments, and short stories – most with clickable timestamps.

See Also#

Table of Contents#

Tech Spurt Vocabulary#

Basics#

  • bendy blower = foldable smartphone
  • blower = smartphone
  • cack = shitty
  • cockwomble
  • jobbie = thingy, shit
  • shenanigans
  • shonky = of poor or dubious quality, shoddy, unreliable; deviously dishonest
  • shower of shit
  • your mum

Absolute#

  • an absolute mindfuck of a game
  • an absolute powertwat
  • an absolute shagload
  • an absolute shagton
  • an absolute twat of a hangover
  • an absolute wank biscuit

Attributes#

Bag of …#

Bollocks#

Drunk (Synonyms)#

Expletives#

Fuck All (Synonyms)#

Give a …#

Hung Over#

Jesus Christ#

Ramble on (Synonyms)#

  • bollock on
  • drone on
  • ponce about
  • spaff on about

Similes#

  • as appealing as a portrait of Boris Johnson
    painted by blind monkeys
    using only endless buckets of dog shit
  • as attractive as an elephant’s nutsack
  • as bulky as a beetle’s ballsack
  • as enjoyable as clearing out the train station urinal with just your face
  • about as entertaining as a depressed flatulent clown
    reading excerpts from Jacob Rees-Mogg’s biography
    pausing only occasionally to clock you right in the nards
    with his oversized clown boot.
  • as excited as a teenager reading out her essay
    on 17th century agricultural techniques
  • as exciting as a bag of dead slugs
  • as exciting as a Gwyneth Paltrow documentary on dead badgers
  • as fresh as a Wetherspoons bread roll
  • as lovable as a dead skunk dressed up as Hitler
  • as lovable as a rabid raccoon
  • as merry as an orphan on Mother's Day
  • as much bass as a grasshopper's fart
  • as nippy as an asthmatic sloth
  • as nippy as a capybara tied to a lamp post
  • as speedy as a legless pensioner wearing a concrete hat
  • as thick as a hamster’s happy sack
  • as thrilling as Theresa May’s autobiography
  • as pleasant as a cactus codpiece
  • as powerful as a butterfly's bowel movement
  • as quick as a 90 year-old’s bowel movements
  • as warm as a polar bear’s bollocks
  • as welcome as a chainsaw at a toddler's birthday party
  • as well received as the Eton hunting club's annual production
    of blasting small furry animals right in the face
    with a double-barrelled shotgun
    from about two foot away
  • coming faster than Jason Biggs in American Pie
  • comparable to an arthritic snail
  • easier than nicking a Twix from a sleeping toddler
  • lower than a badger's ballbag
  • more awkward than a bus full of hormonal teenagers
  • nippier than Usain Bolt with a firecracker lodged firmly up his rectum hole
  • nuttier than a squirrel’s first dump of a day
  • nuttier than a squirrel's fridge
  • pack about as much of a punch as an asthmatic toddler
    with its hands tied behind its back
  • rougher than a badger's ballsack
  • smaller than a flea’s ballsack
  • smells worse than a whole sack of kangaroo farts
  • spilling more excrement than Thames Water
  • textured finish, kind of like an elephant's ballsack
  • tougher than a British Airways bread roll
  • tougher than a Little Chef pork chop
  • trickles in like the desperate urine flow of a geriatric camel
  • know as much as DJ Snake knows about astrophysics
    or James Corden knows about comedy
  • wither away faster than my erection
    whenever James Corden pops into my brain
  • worse than having a barrel of AIDS injected directly into your eyeball

Something Extremely Good#

  • prime pork
  • the absolute mutt’s man sausage
  • the dog’s danglies
  • the dog's bollocks
  • the mutt’s nuts

Total#

  • total donkey drippings
  • total toilet
  • total trouser

Trouser Action#

  • made my trouser truncheon rather twitchy
  • make you feel all tingly in the trouser department
  • trouser tent action
  • trouser-tingling

Units of Measurement#

  • about the size of a cockroach’s pube
  • badger’s left bollock over 1.3 kilos
  • barely the size of a teenager's pimple
  • bezels the size of Bulgaria (iPhone SE)
  • butterfly’s ballsack short of 6.8 inches
  • centipede’s schlong wider
  • cockroach's chuff over 7 mils
  • flea’s bollock under half a kilo
  • gerbil’s nustack under 200 grams
  • gnat’s naughty bits under 500 grams
  • newt’s nutsack under half a kilo
  • roughly the size of Bristol (iPhone 16 Pro Max)
  • roughly the same size as Elon Musk's ego
  • smoother than a Chip and Dale’s nutsack
  • tortoise's testicle under 6.3"
  • woodlouse’s nutsack under 6 mm

Wank#

  • pile of wank
  • wank splat of sth
  • wank splat of a year
  • wanker’s cramp (carpal tunnel syndrome)
  • wankery
  • wankitude
  • wanky

Others#

Jokes#

Your Mum#

  • Viewer: Do you get dressed in the dark?
    No, actually. I just basically raid your dad’s closet
    after your mum tears my clothes off with her teeth.
    youtu.be/n2x5mN5Zv-Q?t=57
  • It’s a girthy monster but mightily impressive
    which coincidentally are the exact words your mum
    said to me last night.
    youtu.be/Cfl3-8tml_A?t=125
  • Those demo phones at the booths do get passed around
    more than your mum down the local discotheque.
    youtu.be/CLBr7nmjmSw?t=39
  • As clever as the Dimensity 9300 is, it also can't pleasure your mum.
    No worries kiddies, just leave that to your uncle Spurt.
    That is unless your mum gets all hot at the thought
    of 7 billion LLM parameters running at 20 tokens per second,
    in which case, the 9300 is gonna make her scream.
    youtu.be/7hP0Qnjqyg4?t=203
  • 24 gigs of RAM.
    That's even more RAM than your mum can take.
    And believe me, she can handle some serious ram action.
    youtu.be/KtN-GjXLP5A?t=264
  • Tech Spurt – 3 "your mum" Jokes in 40 Seconds
    youtu.be/CJbRByzcUdg?t=244
    youtube.com/clip/Ugkxtd_NBOGAR6F-Eel__ekjks2zKn-zlF3e
  • And now it's time for the best thing on the internet
    besides, of course, your mum's latest uploads.
    It's Viewer Comments.
    youtu.be/QvdJUfpG-kk?t=306
  • Viewer: Leave my mum alone!
    I mean… at these prices, how could I?
    youtu.be/E4GpEeKL6f0?t=521
  • I've got the Head and Shoulders to prevent from having a snowy scalp,
    just as when I visit your mum,
    I slap on a rubber Johnny to prevent from getting the clap.
    youtu.be/OctMEI7SPxw?t=856
  • ...they also pick up fingerprints and muck
    like your mum picks up sailors down the dock.
    As soon as you start fingering the thing, it gets absolutely filthy.
    Again, much like your mum.
    youtu.be/UNQnuiMdZFM?t=598

Gags#

Fast Torch Gesture#

(Waaah, karate chop)

Segments#

Intros#

  • "0:00 The bit where everyone leaves"
    (from video description)
    (Dreadful mistake, MKBHD, cockwomble, jizz biscuit and beeeep beep)
    youtu.be/YOxH0dGiyP0
  • I'm the living embodiment of a desperately horny teenager's fleshlight
    after his parents have buggered off for an entire weekend.
    So thoroughly and vigorously fucked
    that I'm basically just vapour.
    (Fleshlight drying stand.)
    youtu.be/KVDXNrSKXO8
  • If you're incredibly wealthy and you wanna go around boasting to everyone
    that you've got a 6.9-incher stashed in your shorts,
    you can't go far wrong with Samsung's fresh new Galaxy Note 20 Ultra.
    youtu.be/I6qF77YbUJM
  • Uncle Kevin PTSD
    (Christmas and Easter)
    youtu.be/Nb8KdSYi3sg
  • And then the strangest thing happened…
    youtu.be/TebhHcXTP5M?t=0
    youtube.com/clip/UgkxqQPOoB2MR8KESNJw5YFzg8RETra0zWPx
  • Welcome to Tech Spurt Weekly.
    The weekly tech news show that, like your mum’s OnlyFans channel,
    sees 90% of viewers switching off before I even open my mouth.
    youtu.be/c7tdfzE7Mgg
  • The tech news show equivalent of tripping down the stairs
    and landing crotch first on a burning cactus.
    youtu.be/iUneXHA5BV8
  • Well, butter my buns and stick a sausage in there.
    It's time for yet another fuck-awful tech type YouTube thing.
    youtu.be/7DQ0OERK1_U?t=0
  • Mr Wanksock Intro
    … you bald piece of crap
    … bugger me blue
    … you malodorous slaphead
    youtu.be/5NO2lcZ9PT0?t=0
  • Part of the show that's actually inspired by British rivers
    in that it's absolutely overflowing with shit.
    It's Viewer Comments!
    (Reference to OnePlus 12 inspired by the Dart River in NZ)
    youtu.be/KtN-GjXLP5A?t=408
  • Welcome to another crotch-warmingly pleasant episode
    of the worst tech news show on this entire godawful planet.
    … erectile dysfunction inducing remarks in Viewer Comments.
    … top YouTube facehole MKBHD
    (Wall Spurt, a parody of MKBHD's wallpaper app)
    youtu.be/lBz7z4QrVZ8

Jingles#

Which Crap Celebrity Do I Look Like This Week?#

Out of Context Material#

Topics#

Apple#

  • What kind of cruel offspring would force an iPhone
    on their elderly parents?
    That's right up there with pushing them down the stairs
    for the inheritance.
    youtu.be/JJA0wet_9Pc?t=735
  • If you stuff a bit of extra scratch into Timmy Cook’s G-string,…
    youtu.be/tK3HRwEUR8w?t=249
  • Whenever Apple launch a new product,
    they always treat it like it's the second coming of Christ.
    Basically, their tongues are so far up Tim Cook's arsehole,
    that they could probably tickle his tonsils.
    youtu.be/7rHkBiJuYrw?t=638
  • I mean, the funny fucking thing is, as well,
    I've given a bad review to pretty much all of Google's
    flagship Pixel smartphones over the last few years as well.
    And every time I do that, I get absolutely lambasted
    in the comments as an Apple fanboy,
    so I just can't fucking win apparently.
    youtu.be/7rHkBiJuYrw?t=703
  • Viewer: My uncle just gave me an iPhone SE.
    … It sounds like your uncle needs a swift kick
    right in the happy sack, mate.
    I’d rather have one of those uncles
    that touches on you at family gatherings
    and then threatens to kill you
    if you ever tell your mum.
    youtu.be/XFmmQLKBoNc?t=672
  • (iPhone 16e)
    If I had to sum it up in haiku form, it would be:
    rather stick my knob,
    inside a fucking wasp's nest,
    than my SIM in this.
    youtu.be/OGjwCmn_XI0?t=1355
  • Flipping off the iPhone 16e
    (middle finger)
    youtu.be/OGjwCmn_XI0?t=1366
  • (iPhone 16e)
    Let us know what you reckon.
    Are you regretting your decision to purchase this thing
    or are you a bit fucked in the head?
    youtu.be/OGjwCmn_XI0?t=1373
  • It's incredibly confusing cuz I keep feeling like
    I wanna drop-kick this thing into the ocean,
    and then I remember that it's not actually an iPhone.
    youtu.be/qwImXE_hGPE?t=46
    youtube.com/clip/UgkxzHDdL3igUgwVGbW4iF0e0ecrM2G_lMsX
  • Apple is still steadfastly refusing to retire
    that ridiculously chunky Alf Garnett moustache notch up top.
    And yes, it still forces its way distractingly into frame
    when you're watching full-screen stuff on the iPhone 12.
    It's the smartphone equivalent of being sat behind
    someone at the cinema wearing a fucking Abraham Lincoln hat.
    youtu.be/PrfZ1j6Ls3I?t=302
  • The iPhone 15 Pro Max is another 6.7" brick.
    And I do mean a brick.
    If you had a couple dozen of these bad boys,
    you could happily build yourself a bungalow.
    Of course, if you could afford a couple of dozen of these things,
    then you wouldn't need a bungalow
    cuz you'd already live in a fucking mansion.
    youtu.be/iOCAK_QUihE?t=64
  • iPhone SE 2022.
    And that phone is just a massive sack of arse juice.
    Seriously I'd rather have AIDS than use that phone every day.
    I'm not even kidding full-blown AIDS.
    And cancer of the cock.
    Both of them together.
    …It’s not a very good phone.
    youtu.be/Svl93qYr7VQ?t=126
    youtube.com/clip/UgkxwNqyJgyD8zGOBCTqTQthgp5RLUXSQ8dS
  • One of the most powerful laptops of 2022,
    and what can I play on it?
    A game starring a cartoon fucking fish.
    youtu.be/i6bRz2ku-8U?t=582

Drinking#

Drastic Measures#

  • I'd rather be fired out of a fucking cannon
    into a lake full of used nappies
    than review PC peripherals and components.
    youtu.be/3fJebo9vgh8?t=734
  • James Corden being fired into the Sun
    in a giant rocket filled with angry wasps.
    youtu.be/--JfbEYuY7E?t=689
  • …so basically, your choices are similar to:
    get poked in the eye,
    or get kicked in the cock.
    youtu.be/Cin1M0zmWRU?t=184s
  • Tiger tail ice cream
    (Black liquorice and orange)
    I’m sorry but that can absolutely just get in a skip.
    And then take that skip and dump it in the sea
    and just take the entire sea, put it in a cannon
    and fire it into the Sun.
    youtu.be/zyGWmoeE6So?t=950s
  • If I ever find these guys who invented these sodding spambots, I’ll…
    Well I mean, to be honest, I’ll probably not do anything
    because I’m a scrawny little wuss, I mean, look at me.
    Unless they happen to be, you know,
    14-year-old puny little shitheads or something,
    in which case, I might give them a swift kick in the cock.
    youtu.be/o_BkBGUoK5E?t=740
  • I find cricket about as appealing as golf,
    which is to say I’d rather tie a bungee cord around the old fella,
    and then leap off a skyscraper.
    youtu.be/6aJnkkK_NT0?t=489
  • 30-Day Linux Challenge
    I'd rather copulate with a wasp's nest.
    youtu.be/WAMja1D5sno?t=858
    youtube.com/clip/Ugkx8wyFxptfRd7q2sT5lmxKD3taX2Cf5Et0

Elon Musk#

  • Elon Musk as a diving board
    … Political figure, toss rag more like.
    youtu.be/oPgGqA5XYGQ?t=658
  • (Tesla Powerwall clicking noise)
    Possibly morse code for:
    "I can only apologise about what an incomprehensible
    cock bracket Elon is,
    and wish to hereby distance myself from him
    and the rest of his mouth-breathing cronies."
    youtu.be/oPgGqA5XYGQ?t=704
  • …so many years of updates,
    that by the time it's finally out of support,
    the entire world will be overrun by millions of Elon Musk clones
    all fucking each other with such furious vigour,
    that it causes the Earth to shudder out of the Sun's orbit
    and slam right into Jupiter.
    Which, for the few remaining humans
    will probably come as something of a mercy.
    youtu.be/_uhE6g39Kqs?t=286
  • I'm not exactly a massive fan of the iPhone SE 3.
    Frankly, I think it's a tragedy
    right up there with the day
    that Elon Musk's dad forgot to pull out.
    youtu.be/YaZgH2pwzKA?t=235
  • Naturally, there's been more shithousery
    in the glorious world of imbecilic manchild
    and semi-demented fuckpuppet Elon Musk.
    youtu.be/sSZUEGUGXmY?t=307
  • roughly a month now or to put it in other terms,
    roughly twice the length of an Elon Musk relationship.
    youtu.be/EHM22fddWb0?t=0
  • I think there's more chance of Elon Musk
    suddenly developing self-awareness,
    and as a final apologetic humanitarian act,
    firing himself into the nearest asteroid belt.
    But preferably, not in one of his own rockets,
    because he'd probably crash back to Earth
    after all of five seconds
    and of course survive it on account of being a fluky cunt.
    youtu.be/rH7V1KPKTEk?t=350
  • Yeah, it does seem to be, that having shagloads of money
    just either turns you into a psychopath,
    or a complete dicksplat.
    Or in Elon's case, both.
    youtu.be/X-cU6FRi6OY?t=761
  • But other recent leaks say that's all
    a steaming pile of Elon.
    A proper honking heap of musk.
    youtu.be/dQ6FuUHn3kM?t=109

Life in the UK#

  • Search Tech Spurt captions on Filmot – mentions of:
  • I am still absolutely gutted that that gorgeous red model
    is not coming to Blighty anytime soon.
    Come on, sort it out, Sony.
    I mean, I know we’re all a pack of miserable cunts
    here in the UK, but we don't all just love black and grey.
    We're not all Ozzy pissin’ Osbourne.
    youtu.be/EUokWVOteew?t=117
  • …if you live somewhere that isn't permanently dark and miserable.
    A country that's blessed with actual daylight,
    then you still should not struggle with visibility.
    youtu.be/KHWfQ_lOqMo?t=427s
  • London.
    Not exactly a teeny town in the middle of sheep shagging central.
    youtu.be/OctMEI7SPxw?t=633
  • I could have grown up in lovely sunny South Africa
    but instead, they decided that a much better place for me
    to spend my childhood was Sunderland.
    … Hence, now… I’m an alcoholic.
    youtu.be/VVhmXoHL2Ns?t=524
  • I've got a kind of a southernised posho version
    of a Northeast accent,
    so southerners think I sound like a northern twat,
    northerners think I sound like a southern ponce.
    … I'm just kind of a nothing really.
    youtu.be/g8lYxhH-h20?t=367
  • If you're planning a little trip to some horribly wretched place
    with bugger all phone signal,
    like up a mountain somewhere
    or Middlesbrough…
    youtu.be/HtY-0XulRiw?t=37
  • I could definitely see myself doing one of those shows,
    just dicking about in the countryside.
    I mean, certainly seems like I'm getting into reviewing, you know,
    local pubs out in the sticks.
    Always good fun, something straight out of
    American Werewolf in London, you know:
    Warm flat beer: check.
    Angry looking patrons: check.
    Snarling dog that attacks you when you get too close: check.
    Pickled egg and pork pies that gave me the runs for a week: check.
    4 diseased badgers out of 5 would recommend.
    youtu.be/osRkurK4Vfs?t=799
  • Returning to the original Switch
    after playing with the gorgeous OLED version
    is like moving to Wolverhampton
    after living literally anywhere else on Earth.
    And yes, that includes a damp cave somewhere in Siberia.
    At least, there you'll probably have some interesting moss to stare at.
    youtu.be/z6ktsGcffFE?t=206

Made Up Stories#

  • One day your doorbell goes, you answer it.
    There's Jesus Christ stood there on your doorstep,
    says “All right mate? Just doing a little door-to-door action,
    just granting some wishes,
    anything I can do for you on this fine day?”
    And you're like “Uh yeah… uh, please can I have a 10-foot dongle?”
    And he’s like “Of course you can, mate, I'm Jesus chuffing Christ.
    Schlongus elongus, boom. There you go, done.”
    And it's great and all, you're having a good old time
    until you realise the compromise is that you can no longer get an erection
    without falling over and passing out a bit.
    Actually, no.
    No, there’s not really anything like that at all, is it?
    All I've done there, is just basically wasted about a minute
    of everyone's time and also probably offended
    the shit out of any Christians who are watching.
    So, you know, all in all, another highly successful episode.
    youtu.be/7EAA5PmSEDM?t=469
  • Armageddon
    (Intergalactic army of mega twats)
    youtu.be/7rHkBiJuYrw?t=719
    youtube.com/clip/UgkxWkCRJoGibcH57Sqgf3ggzKiy8OT_0VXc
  • If I had a quid every time somebody asked me
    where my sodding wallpapers come from,
    I'd be living in a palace on an island somewhere,
    sipping special brew out of a golden chalice,
    and slurping a chicken madrasa out of the navel of a supermodel.
    youtu.be/FgrSMiA5JoQ?t=695s
  • Inspiration: A deep desire to make buckets of cash
    and live on an island, with several crates of good Scotch…
    Chris Barraclough (Author of Devil's in a Different Dress) | Goodreads
  • If I had 44 billion dollars,
    I certainly wouldn't spend it on Twitter.
    No offence, Twitter.
    Now, I'd probably bang myself one of those awesome volcanic lairs
    that all the James Bond baddies had back in the day,
    except instead of packing it full of missiles and minions,
    I’d just fill it to the brim with ale,
    and then spend the rest of my days splashing around inside of it.
    Either that or I’d just buy an enormous rocket
    and use it to fire James Corden in directly into the Sun.
    youtu.be/-HaeGkCAiWc?t=278
  • A dream about Dale Winton and his toupée
    youtu.be/3WJ5Mzc1yZc?t=4
  • Imagine you're five years old,
    and you did a really good drawing of a badger riding a camel.
    Your teacher gives you a B+
    mostly because they feel a bit sorry for you
    and you're absolutely buzzing.
    So chuffed are you, in fact,
    that you then submit said drawing for your Year Six SATs.
    And then again for your GCSE art project,
    at which point someone finally points out that badgers and camels
    don't even live in the same fucking continent.
    youtu.be/NMERiVKFvIM?t=67

Nihilism#

Parenting#

  • I don't think I'm at risk of winning any dad of the year
    awards anytime soon, but even I try not to say
    things like “cuntstick” and “fuck all” around my girl.
    youtu.be/ZoJEKBB2eck?t=291
  • [my daughter] is basically a smaller,
    but also smarter version of me with more hair.
    youtu.be/JIIyO7ihOI0?t=279
  • Seriously, you’re all like my children,
    except you don’t wake me up at ungodly hours,
    and steal cash out of my wallet
    so actually, you’re even better than my children.
    youtu.be/mO-KvVaEuHc?t=178
  • In fact, that was one of the last paperbacks I ever bought
    and one of the last books I read before having a kid.
    And therefore, one of the last books I ever read.
    Or at least one of the last books that I read
    that wasn't directly related to not having a breakdown after having kids.
    youtu.be/h-aUM4hS-Gs?t=750
  • Tech Spurt is SUS.
    youtu.be/N-K2EIi1dQI?t=598
    youtube.com/clip/UgkxuxNP_nI15Awav20Ws_d0ThWtAjmuanpW
  • Apparently, you can also use Samsung’s new mobile tech
    to laugh with your mates about the unborn human
    that’s about to ruin your existence.
    (a baby)
    youtu.be/bO8gdlEVq88?t=40

Politics#

  • Boris’ Book of Shit Excuses
    youtu.be/VXuMWjALXm0?t=17
  • Now, setup is quick and simple.
    So easy in fact,
    that even a prime minister could do it.
    youtu.be/4CnDOP8DTJA?t=157
  • It's not been a good time for us Brits lately.
    The queen when popped her clogs,
    we've been swapping our prime minister
    more often than we change our pants.
    And our currency is dropping in value at a terrifying rate.
    To the point where it actually makes more sense
    to wipe your arse with five Pound notes
    than to spend them on increasingly expensive toilet paper.
    So, come on Google, just throw us a freaking bone already.
    youtu.be/VQF20YOVDHw?t=220
  • “Screw the [Apple] sheep … not unless you want to.” …
    Even in my horniest most desperate teenage years,
    I've never looked at a sheep and thought:
    “you know what I'd kinda like to stick my dick in that.”
    It just looks so bloody dopey.
    It would be like trying to get aroused by Liz Truss.
    youtu.be/XFmmQLKBoNc?t=367
  • …bloody annoying.
    Kind of like going to the cinema
    and finding that you're sat behind Jacob Rees-Pissing-Mogg.
    (In a top hat.)
    youtu.be/rvCURLwr6d0?t=142s
  • …in fact, the only way you could actually make it less interesting,
    is probably by slapping a picture of Jacob Rees-Mogg on the side.
    youtu.be/iavjD0ZDWsU

Kids in Multiplayer Games#

Opinions#

Self-Deprecation#

Tablets with Rear Cameras#

  • Anyone who actually uses a rear camera on a tablet,
    is worse than herpes and deserves to be thrown into a pit of fire.
    … Fire and snakes
    … Fire, spikes and acid, fuck it.
    youtu.be/7wcW8VWQUZA?t=210
    youtube.com/clip/UgkxE8-aS7kxVQSNi6y0k7VC9gbtfNqUdFYC
  • …and why put a camera on the back of a tablet anyway?
    Cameras on the back of tablet should be a crime
    punishable by a swift kick to the gonads.
    I mean, pop quiz:
    Who is actually taking photos or shooting a video using a tablet?
    The answer: Cunts.
    So, if you release a tablet with a massive big old camera on the back,
    you're essentially saying:
    “This tablet is for cunts.”
    youtu.be/c7tdfzE7Mgg?t=496
  • If you use a tablet to take photos or shoot video,
    there's a special corner of purgatory waiting especially for you.
    Filled with demons wearing steel-capped boots
    ready to belt you right in the knackers.
    youtu.be/YTlK9TMP42I?t=412s

Your Ex#

  • …lose your grip on your blower
    as you're trying to send lewd pictures to your ex
    in the gents of your local boozer.
    Just as a completely random example I just made up now.
    youtu.be/lBz7z4QrVZ8?t=213
  • …desperately trying to send inappropriate WhatsApps to your ex
    while stumbling home from the boozer in a massive rainstorm.
    Again, just an imaginary and completely fictional scenario.
    youtu.be/lBz7z4QrVZ8?t=285
  • OK, I get it, so times are a bit tough,
    you've gone and spent all of your money on booze
    to forget about how rubbish your life is,
    and now you’ve gone and dropped your smartphone
    down the bogs trying to send a pathetic drunken text to your ex
    who, by the way, still hates your rotten guts.
    No worries though, your very existence may be unbearable,
    but at least you can buy yourself a shiny new smartphone
    without having to sell your body on the streets again.
    youtu.be/F6LwN38Vbqw
  • That frosted finish means no grubby prints or greasy marks,
    even if you happen to be scoffing a döner at 2 AM
    while drunkenly tweeting at your ex or…
    whatever else it is you happen to do at 2 AM.
    Perhaps, if you've got a normal brain, you might actually be asleep.
    In which case, I hate you.
    youtu.be/ChX_g8LIfZM?t=151s
  • Kinda feels like that moment at 3 in the morning
    when you're 20 Jägers deep,
    and desperately trying to send a take-me-back begging email to your ex.
    youtu.be/IgkDhkHXIms?t=423
  • Back on that James Bond vibe,
    a feature that I would really like in a smartwatch,
    is just a built-in bomb.
    And then, if you're in any kind of awkward social situation,
    like you bump into your ex at a party,
    or at a wedding, you're stuck on a table with all of your racist uncles,
    you can just press a little side button, and boom!
    Blow the whole motherfucking room to bits.
    youtu.be/-HaeGkCAiWc?t=358
    youtube.com/clip/UgkxKhTjbj05rAIFnlrdBhHXH4IXKMZvd0f5

Zuckerberg#

  • Tech Spurt on Zuckerberg
    youtu.be/SUb4d--lufY?t=166s
  • Zuckerberg – human equivalent of the irritable bowel syndrome.
    (Lizard reproduced with a herpes virus)
    youtu.be/OctMEI7SPxw?t=428
  • A single artificial tear rolling down Zuckerbot’s plastic cheek.
    … your most racist relatives
    continue to forward on anti-immigration memes
    that they saw on Facebook.
    youtu.be/7TyTxQDlpYI?t=265
  • Facebook – particularly good if you wanna be called a woke cuck
    for not insisting that immigrants be fired out of a massive cannon into the Sun.
    youtu.be/EB-srueEU1I?t=306

Other Quotes#

Recombu Quickies#

The Rest#

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