How ANYONE Can Grow on Substack With These 3 Simple Rules

I haven’t posted an article on Substack in a while, so I figured now is the best time.

I’m not exactly overflowing with ideas. I usually save my “publish some random crap and hope for the best” writing style for Medium instead of Substack. Pretending to have decent writing standards is easier said than done, so I decided to fall back on the topic I can write about in my sleep.

How to grow on Substack. Or Medium. Or insert any future writing platform.

I know that’s totally original, and it’s a topic probably no one has ever read about online. Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m talking about, and I have years of experience with growth hacks, I mean building a community.

Just trust me.

Starting on Substack isn’t for the faint of heart. Luckily, you don’t have to wait around and hope for random internet strangers to subscribe to your newsletter. All you need to do is create a new email address and subscribe to yourself.

You can even go one step further and become your own paid subscriber. Follow this method 100 times, and you’ll have that nice little orange checkbox next to your name. All of this wizardry can be done in one afternoon with only 12 cups of coffee.

Bonus tip: “Borrow” someone else’s credit card while subscribing to yourself 100 times.

AI isn’t going anywhere, so you might as well use it and sound like everyone else. Need to create an inspirational note? Use AI! Want to sound like a wannabe expert or guru? Use AI! Need to write a 2,000-word article in 30 seconds? Use AI!

You can even use AI to create a much more attractive profile photo of yourself. The possibilities are nearly endless. Oh yes, I almost forgot the best part. You can use all of those 100 accounts you created to interact with all of your notes and articles to create your own bot network. In other words, everything you post will go viral!

Responding to actual humans takes time and way too much brain power. The good news is that you will never have to respond to anyone once you reach this level of Substack success.

Post whatever you want, and forget about it. Obviously, you have much more important things to do. You know, like mowing the yard or cleaning out your cat’s litter box that hasn’t been touched in over a week.

Another bonus tip: Feel free to respond to a genuine comment with a thumbs-up emoji six days later.

Follow these three simple steps, and you are on your path to being the next Substack superstar. Seriously!

1. Create 100 fake accounts

2. Use AI Everywhere

3. Never respond to others

The end.

Be sure to subscribe for more amazing life advice. You can also become my lucky eighth paid subscriber for only $5 a month. If money is tight, feel free to send leftover Cheetos, your Social Security number, or stray cats.