3:40 AM
I’m at my absolute limit 80 hours into a fast.
For five years I’ve taught this workshop, and for five years I’ve been disappointed.
For five years when I speak up and talk about sex, eroticism, and sexuality, it’s disappointing.
Without a doubt it is the deepest and most important work I’ve ever done, and year after year I’m left banging my head against the wall, wondering why no one seems to get it.
When I started this work, Magic and I were on the brink of quiet divorcing, and we didn’t even know. We were only four years into our marriage but the roles seemed set. In my opinion, I did everything and he was just there. In hindsight, we had a corrupted matriarchy. I had no boundaries, I was confusing being able to work whenever with “never really working”. I controlled every aspect of the relationship and consoled myself with the fact that it had always been like this and would always be like this with men.
We were so close to losing it all.
The first year, we recommitted. We got married, actually. That round of Erotic Wealth was with 1:1 customers only. Lost followers, got reported. He started shooting me for everything.
The second year we built SAFEHOUSE together, me front of house, him back of house. We built an app. he started shooting me for everything, and our accounts blew up.
The third year we developed onboarding, sending people directly to his cell phone. we solved the problem of overwhelm.
The fourth year we got in the trenches with 40 couples and 100 singles, checking every single piece of homework, listening to their vents and dismays, building new frameworks and projects. Hardest work I’ve ever done.
This fifth year we established that it had to be faster and more intense. Building on what we were shown last year about three 40 day practices, we built this one out, stripping away every single aspect of every previous iteration that didn’t yield massive results. We tested it on ourselves first, and went from “what now?” and irritated to buying a new home in New Orleans and developing a second life and residence there. Offer accepted. Everyone is pumped. This or something more.
The launch itself has been easy? Because this month has been too busy to allow me to overthink it. We’ve done, simply, what we could with the time restraints (read: every single day from August 11 when our ritual closed till the 30th booked for an event). It seems to be working, but I guess we’ll see when the launch itself closes.
I always want to quit, honestly. Every round of this workshop when the launch is done, and I feel disrespected and irritated, I just want to torpedo the entire concept. Like I said. It’s 4:04 AM and I’m at my absolute limit. I broke my fast with a yogurt after tossing and turning with a fussy baby for two hours. I’m ready to be done “trying”.
I’m ready to be done trying.
Like all times, I just want to throw in the towel and say: “if this shit doesn’t pop off, I quit. I’m out.”, but the truth is:
I’ll never stop trying. I’ll never stop giving this everything I got. I’ll never stop innovating and I’ll never stop marketing. I’ll never stop going balls to the wall because this is destiny. I know that this work is going to succeed in the world by my hands unless I give up and relinquish it to someone who will see it all the way through.
I have to surrender the outcome, and the panic attached to the outcome, and trust that whatever has my name on it is coming to me.
This or something more.
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