It was a spring evening a couple of years ago. The days were getting longer and we’d gotten into the habit of taking a walk around our neighborhood after dinner. It had just stopped raining, so my kids were begging to go out. We had enough time for a bath or a walk, so I explained, “we can go out, but you can’t get muddy.”
This story is going exactly where you think it is.
Quick programming notes: Our free workshop From Holding it all Together to Being Held is tomorrow, Tuesday, April 28 at 10am eastern time. Registration has just opened for our summer cohorts of Motherhood: Redefined. Come be in community!
As soon as we reached the puddles at the bottom of our street, they just couldn’t help themselves. Objectively, it was pretty awesome. Cool, fresh puddles and the last stretch of sunlight of the day. But in that moment, I completely lost my sh*t.
They were soaking wet and belly laughing and I was SO frustrated. I started yelling. I threatened to take away dessert for a week. To never take them on an after dinner walk again. The words were spewing from my mouth, and I had this moment, while still flooded with the reaction, of thinking “what am I doing!? This is not the kind of parent I want to be. What has taken over my body?!”
I was in complete overwhelm. My nervous system was fried from the holding it all together. It felt like I was experiencing a tantrum just like my toddler — an explosion over something little, a big emotion that needed to get out of my body. I hadn’t given myself any other chance to settle my nervous system for way too long, and it had caught up to me.
The anger was a call for change. Not a change in parenting techniques or schedules, but a change in prioritizing my own needs.
Here’s what happened next:
I apologized to my kids. I realized after the explosion that, yes, it wasn’t great that they got all muddy when I had asked them not to, but it wasn’t the end of the world. We got home and rinsed off and went to bed a little later.
I turned toward my inner critic with compassion. I was, frankly, embarrassed to explode over something that really wasn’t a “big deal.” I also recognized that I was desperately under-resourced, leaving me with little emotional bandwidth to deal with mud-soaked and exhausted children at the end of a long day.
I realized I needed to support myself. I remembered (for the 100th time) that resourcing myself, tending to my nervous system, having safe places to express my rage, grief, and frustration, would allow me to be the kind of parent I want to be.
I’ve obviously yelled more than just this once. Good parents yell. We all lose our tempers. It’s part of the human experience.
And we can tend to ourselves. Stop putting ourselves last. Recognize that we cannot authentically offer groundedness we don’t have. Support our own nervous systems so that we can be there to co-regulate with others.
As my friend Kelly (who is leading tomorrow’s workshop!) recently wrote:
If you’re walking through life and parenting feeling unheld, they feel that.
But when you are held – when your system gets to exhale, reset, and remember what steadiness feels like – you become a calming presence that your child can actually borrow from.
They can lean into you. They can trust your calm when it’s real, not forced.
You putting your oxygen mask on first isn’t selfish. It’s science. And it’s one of the most loving and supportive things you can do as a parent.
And you’re simply going to have greater mental and emotional capacity to figure out things that feel un-figure-out-able when you are resourced and held.
If you could use more resources and if being held sounds like something that would help, please join us for our free workshop tomorrow: From Holding it all Together to Being Held: A Nervous System Reset for Mamas. It will take place virtually on Tuesday, April 28th from 10-11am eastern time.
Learn more & register to be held
If you’re looking to dive deeper into nervous system support in community, new cohorts of Motherhood:Redefined begin in June. In this program, we uncover what culture expects of us and receive support in choosing our own paths — together.
Save the date for our Community Care Volunteer Event and Mamas Circle’s 10th birthday party! We’ll be gathering on Saturday, June 13 at 10am at the Happy Little Art Studio outdoor studio/playground space to celebrate and give back to our community.
Our summer schedule is a bit lighter — we need magical summers too! We’ll have Pregnancy Circles and Mamas Circles help you build your communities as you welcome new babies into the world. See what’s coming up below.
Circles Start May 21 & July 16
New Mamas Circles and our special Mamas Circle for newly 2nd & 3rd time moms start throughout the year. In these open, supportive communities for moms and pre-crawling babies, we talk about changing identities, relationships, and how to get through the day (and night) with little ones. A place to know you’re not in this alone.
Mamas Circle for 2nd & 3rd time moms
Summer cohorts start in early June
We know you feel overwhelmed. No matter how much you do, it doesn’t feel like enough. You and your burnout are invisible to the world, where there’s too much judgement and not enough connection. Let’s change that. In this community we value interdependence over independence. Join us to redefine motherhood for yourself and your family in a welcoming and inclusive space. We will be real, creative, and messy as we gather to explore what motherhood means to us.
Ready to dive in on content now? Join our substack community for free!
Circle starts June 22
Our Pregnancy Circle is full of support and sharing, guidance around preparing for birth and postpartum, self-inquiry practices and journaling pages for deeper reflection, and more. This circle will offer consistent, experienced support during time of uncertainty and constant change.
Ongoing on Fridays at noon
Baby and Me Yoga combines postpartum strength-building exercises and breath-based relaxation for adults as well as gentle movement for babies. In this one-hour class, you’ll get the chance to bond with your baby, move, stretch, build strength, and connect with fellow new parents. Mothers, fathers, caregivers, and babies all welcome. Classes are designed for babies 6 weeks to pre-crawling. Postpartum parents are welcome to attend without their babies.
We offer all of our circles and groups on a sliding scale, and have a robust scholarship program. If you’d like to attend and have financial constraints, please reach out and we’ll find a way. We also accept contributions to our scholarship program here.
If this community has supported you, we’d so appreciate you sharing upcoming circles to your friends and neighbors and leaving a review on Google or Yelp.
Have another idea for a community you’d like to be a part of? Let us know what you’d like to see on our circle interest form, reply if you received this as an email, or leave a comment below.
Interested in one-on-one support? We have a few spaces open in Elizabeth’s Coaching Program and Pregnancy & Birth Coaching with Michelle.
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