Incels in My Comments

It might surprise a lot of you to know that for most of my teenage years, I was afraid to talk to strangers on the internet. I was someone who spent a lot of time online, but wasn’t necessarily participating in internet activities, even though it certainly felt like I was. Like a wallflower at a party, I sat tight on the periphery, watching everyone around me indulge in their fun, offering something to the collective, while I simply relished watching them interact.

The experience of consuming media on Tumblr, Instagram, and Twitter felt akin to an activity. To this day, when I think back on those times in my life, I recall an intense feeling of fulfillment that came from just looking at images, videos, and text on screen. I still feel that feeling today, only now when I look up from my phone, the sweet feeling turns sour much quicker, knowing there’s so much more I can and should be doing with my time.

I didn’t interact with people on the internet because I was honestly scared of strangers. Scared that the fellow teenage girl I was interacting with was actually a sixty-year-old man. Scared that I would say the wrong thing to the users who were actually cool teenage girls and be ostracized from the platform. And I was honestly, frankly, scared of what might happen if I became a part of this tableau I had been observing. Attempting to interact with popular Tumblr users would be like trying to interact with characters on my favorite TV show, poking their two-dimensional forms on the flat screen and seeing if they would react. Only, in the case of the internet, the chances of them reacting to my actions were high. What would happen when I became a part of this entertainment source? When I became a site of amusement for lurkers just like me, who were staying close to the periphery?